What are some things that I can personally do to protect "birthparents"?

Question

I want to know how I can end birthparents getting scammed?

I was forced to give my son up for adoption 11 years ago. Everyone says the adoption movement has changed and modern adoption no longer includes the birthparents being treated like trash (like in the 50's with unwed mother's homes). But, it is a complete lie. I was treated horribly by everyone involved (my family, adoption agency, courts, hospital, adoptive parents).

I was basically a child giving up a child and I was never informed of MY rights until it was way too late. I was threatened by my family to give my son up and the adoption agency sugar coated lies of open adoption (which can never be legally binding anyways).

I was never informed or counseled by anyone outside the adoption agency...all they saw was the money.

Since then I have met many women (mostly young confused mothers) who have been swindled out of their children. What are some things I can do to try and change this for future birthparents?

Thanks!

Answer 1

~Probably the best thing you can do is counsel kids on the stupidity of engaging in s*x (particularly unprotected s*x) until they are old enough to have some clue as to what they are doing.  For the sake of the best interests of the child (and, to a lesser extent, you) I commend your parents for what they did.  Assuming the adoption and your surrender of parental rights  took place legally, I likewise assume it was approved by a court and you were assigned a law guardian to represent you during the process.  Nobody "swindled" you out of the child.  If you didn't do it legally, you and all others involved belong in jail.

You were in no position to care for a child then and it is beyond unreasonable to have expected your parents to do it for you.  (And even more unreasonable to expect me as a taxpayer to support it.)  I notice you don't mention the father.  

What rights are you suggesting that he should have?  If none, why not?  

You don't say how old you were when you popped the kid out.  How would your life have been destroyed if from that day on you were saddled with caring for the little tyke?  Would you have been able to finish school (without someone doing your motherhood job for you)?  What kind of social life do you think you'd have had?  How well do you figure you could have raised a child on your own while you were still in the process of growing up yourself?  Who was going to finance the custody and support fights you would have had with the father had you kept the child?  Is the child better off in a 2 parent home being raised by adults than he would be if he had been left with you?

You'll get no sympathy from me on this on.  You made your mistake in spreading your legs, not in giving the child up to someone who wanted him.  Learn from the mistake and move on with your life.

Answer 2

It is horrible that you had to go through all that.  Yes even 11 years ago things were that bad.  Things have slowly gotten better with time but there are still those agencies that don't care about the birthparents unfortunatly.  But there are those agencies out there that really care about everyone involved.  When a woman or young girl becomes pregnant they need to educated on their choices.  There are many ways to gain that education now like for example just getting online.  Some girls still feel as though they have no choice but they do, when a young girl gets pregnant even the OBGYN's will discuss options with them if they just ask.  The thing you can do to help protect these young parents who really want to keep their baby is help educate them.  Start a "movement" that will make them aware of their options.  If you know of someone that is pregnant and needing help, offer to help her find the right decision for her.  Some young girls are better off going with adoption and some do feel forced.  I found myself talking to a lot of young girls when i was in highschool.  It seemed to be in the water that the 15-18 year olds were getting pregnant and most were afraid of what their parents would say and they didn't know their options.  My sisters were both pregnant at 15 and they went to councling to help them make the decision so I heard all of that and would repeat to them what i knew of the options.  Open Adoption when in a contract signed by all parties can and usually is recognized in the courts, it might not have mattered 11 years ago but the courts take contracts a lot more serious now since Open Adoption is more common.  It is a matter of getting a lawyer who knows the adoption laws.  Anyways, my suggestion is you be open and honest about your story.  Tell your story.  There are some schools that have programs for young parents or parents-to-be and they would probably love to have you come in and talk about what happened to you and all the options out there.  There are also teen parenting support groups people set up (and for college students too as they can be just as confused) and you could volunteer to tell your experience there.  You just need to get the word out that there are a lot of options and if they do go with adoption then they need to be prepared for that.  Some parents just simply want a closed adoption but when you go through an agency you can pick the adoptive parents your want your child to go to, they have the parents fill out a whole book of information and pictures so you can be more sure about these things.

Answer 3

People just have to be smart to be honest because there are people out there that will scam or take advantage of people. Be educated if you get a bad feel from an adoption agency take your business else where.

Answer 4

I think birth parents should stay out of it. once you give up your child you have given them up. Let the child grow a health bond with there new parents that can give them the life they deserve. You had the right to chose.  You had many choices along the way. Think not about you but about what is best for the child. It isn't your child anymore.

Birth parents Have the right to not give there child away and chose to not have it or raise it there own or give it to a deserving loving family that can give them the life they deserve.

Love your child enough to let it go.

Answer 5

Go to this site

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adoption#Se...

This gives you links to about 18 entries into wikipedia on the subject.

Neutrally insert criticisms/controversy respectfully where you think you can write it, without a admin deleting it.

That way, when ppl search "adoption" in google,

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adoption is the 3rd result (or 4th result if you use firefox).

Thats my practical advice.

Answer 6

EDUCATE-EDUCATE-EDUCATE!!!

Learn everything you can about adoption laws in your state. Learn the rights of the parents and adoptive parents.

You can't change the past (giving up your son) but you can help the women of today with knowledge!

Answer 7

I just want to offer my condolences on the loss of your son.

It's a multi-billion dollar industry. There are a lot of unscrupulous agencies and adoptive parents. There are good ones, too, but that doesn't help you in your grief.

Start crawling the Web and finding like-minded people. Find out what is being done to raise awareness. There are ways you can help the next person in your situation. Don't give up.

Answer 8

I share the same opinion as biddy_bunny. create a website and give them all the information you think they might want to know. Sorry to head the way they treated you

Answer 9

When I recently gave my child up for adoption, I was treated horribly by the adoption agency.  So, I fired them and found a family on my own.  

The adoptive families attorney had a birthmother advocate with me at all times.  This was great because she was on my side making sure I made the right decisions, informing me of my rights, and offering support.  I suggest networking with attorneys and finding one that will allow you to be an advocate.  

Or you can network with birthmothers and be an advocate for them.  Over time once you are more known in your community, you will gradually start impacting alot of lives.  

I hope this helps and thanks for your interest in helping those in need!  God bless you!

Answer 10

I think that is horrible, I really didn't know that went on.  You could try to set up a website that tells birth mothers the whole truth and includes a section for them to tell their personal stories.  Maybe you could try to find other birth mothers with the same experience that would volunteer to help you and you guys could do a support group advertise in your yellow pages so that maybe you could get women coming in before they gave up their babies and support them through the process.  I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 11

People use the WEB to get their information.  A WEB site that warns young parents (fathers have an even harder time) and the grandparents about the tactics that are used by unethical adoption agencies and facilitators to convince young parents to surrender their children would be invaluable.  Maintained links to WEB sites with contact information on places to get support for parenting and legal help are also invaluable.  First hand accounts of parents who were scammed by these agencies and facilitators really drive home the danger.

My unmarried daughter was pregnant 3 years ago and was being railroaded into surrendering her son to adoption by an unethical agency.  When my husband and I found out about her pregnancy, we opened our hearts to our grandson, and offered to help her raise her son while she finished college.  She is an awesome mom and we love, love, love our "3 generations in 1 house" life-style.  I would have begged on the streets to avoid an adoption.  I know "birth" moms from the baby scoop era and their agony and would never allow that to happen to my daughter and and her son.

Answer 12

The single most important thing that could happen and that you should work towards is requiring outside counsel for the birthmother.  This is counsel that has no relation to the parents or the agency where she can find out not only her rights, but what help is available if she chooses to keep her baby.   For instance, if parents are threatening, she can be emancipated.  

Secondly, you can have a website that includes which states actually enforce open adoption agreements. MOST STATES DO NOT!  If the a-parent decides to move or cut off contact, they do and the state will not enforce it.

I had exactly the same situation as you. There was absolutely nobody on my side and nobody to tell me what options were available to me.  They even lied about the laws.  Yes, it's a swindle.  Consider this. Black women were all told of aid that was available to them and encouraged to keep their babies. That's because only healthy white babies sell.

Answer 13

Oh honey; Yes you were a child; and do not listen to people who do not have a clue what they are talking about. Oscar; ugh; is very rude, and obnoxious!!!! I was 17; they never told me of the truth. They made sure; they told me that adoptive parents would be able to give my son the life I couldn't. Hmm; funny my financial situation; has changed since then; if we want to make this about material issues. Which in my opinion; is sad. Oh; and we can all bet Oscar had intercourse as a teenager. Would he just walk away from the child; and be ok? Grandparents; should help. The baby; is their grandchild; does that not mean any thing???????

E-mail me @ [e-mail]; we are a group of mothers working to change things. We have all loss our children to adoption; by coercion!!!

And if Oscar wants to be so rude with the legs comment; I feel sorry for the woman he is married to. He has no idea; about respect. I am sorry; but I am seeing red over this Oscar.

“I wouldn’t give a puppy to someone I didn’t know. I had to give my baby to people I had never met.”

“Adoption loss is the only loss in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful.”

Put some thought in to those words; and then argue with me adoption is the best choice.

Oh; and Suzie if you call a child an "it" again; I will make a post personally for you; and all the other ignorant people who use that term to refer to a baby. A baby; is a human being; just like me, and you!!!! So; because I was young; I was unfit to be a mother? LMAO; that is not true at all. I know some really wonderful young mothers!!!!! Hmm; and I would like to talk to your adoptive children's mother; to tell her this is how you really feel. You should not be adopting; if you think this way; its disgusting; get over yourself!!!!!!!!

Answer 14

In my opinion if you are under age and pregnant out of wedlock you are by definition unfit to be a parent  and have no real rights. Your parents did the right thing. That child is not yours. All you did was give birth to it. If anything birth mothers have too many rights now.  You are not anybodys mother, that child has a mother now the mother he was supposed to have she is his "REAL" mother. Giving birth does not make you someones mother  I've given birth and adopted but only when I was responsible and old enough to accept such a huge responsibility. I'm sorry you were treated so insensitively that part was wrong.  If you really want to change things how about counciling young women about birth control.  Otherwise move on with your life and start a family of your own someday but only when you are emotionally and financially able to take on such an important responsibility.