What are the challenges of raising an adopted infant?

Question

I'd love to hear from amoms and adads. There is research to suggest that adoptees as a group do have their own sets of challenges throughout life. Families who adopt take on these challenges...what have been your biggest struggles unique to raising adopted infants. ( adoption of older kids has its own challenges and is a bit different)

Answer 1

I have a two year old daughter and as an infant she was REALLY fussy!  She had alot of tummy problems and was colicky, so there was about a period of time that was tough, a time I wondered if my husband and I would sit down and eat together ever again.  She is 27 months now, and quite a delight.  The problems that other parents have (eating, sleeping, listening) are far and few between with Emily.  She is not perfect, but we get compliments all the time on how well behaved she is and how were we able to get her to eat/listen/sleep so well.

Another challenge is telling her her adoption story in words she can understand.  When she was born, I found a website that made storybooks out of adoption stories that is very child friendly.  Emily asks every so often to read the "baby book" and when she does she is also told how much she is loved by all the people in her life.  When we go down this list, I say the names of the people she knows and I am always sure to end with her birthmom and give her a few details about her adoption.

I am sure there will be more difficult challenges along the way, but this is what I have encountered so far.

Answer 2

My mother too never mentioned anything except my uncanny fear of sirens.  We both found out later that it was adoption related.  I was either delivered in an ambulance or crowning at the time.

Answer 3

Being breastfed has NOTHING to do with anything!!!  My brother and myself, not being adopted were not breastfed and I had no health problems.  My brother had constant ear infections and has grown out of them.  His 3 kids were not breastfed and are fine.

Take breastfeeding out since it really doesn't matter.  People need to learn.

"Yep. Does she have any pet peeves? Yep. She sometimes wishes she were born from a pregnancy like her sister. " hate to tell you but she was born from a pregnancy and did not just appear in your life.  You really need to talk to her.

Answer 4

I'm the adoptive mother to an absolutely spectacular 2 1/2 year old boy.  Our son is from Guatemala and we brought him home at 5 months old.  

Some medical issues that we attribute to the possibility it's inherited from his first parents (asthma), certain faces neither of us make we think may belong to his first family as well.  We have experienced some mourning which is totally normal and we support him through it but I think that would be the only real adoption related thing we have seen so far.  

If you haven't already read primal wound I strongly recommend it.

Also - just an FYI - adoptive mothers can and do breastfeed.  You can, through medical intervention, induce lactation.  I have known many women who have done this.  It's usually done with domestic adoptions with the blessings of the first mother.  I have had a few friends who have done this and had wonderful results.

Answer 5

We adopted our older daughter, she was given to us by her birthmom at 2 days old.  I completely agree about the challenge of not being breastfed, and more illness.  Our daughter started with ear infections at 3 weeks old and had them pretty much non-stop until 2 years of age.  (We were blessed with another daughter through a pregancy 2 years after our older daughter, and she was breastfed and has yet to be on antibiotics - she is almost 5 years old now.)

One of our major challenges is that everyone that we run across that knows that my older daughter is adopted makes a difference about it.  People can be so incredibly STUPID!  Every little quirk, habit, interesting part of her behavior has to be scrutinized and it is all because she is adopted.  Heaven forbid any school official or medical personnel see "adopted at birth" on a record . . . then they feel free to say, "A, who lives with her adoptive parents . . ."  Not all people are like this, but enough have been that I either interview them ahead of time, or only give the information to those people who *must* know.  (Medical, etc.)  

As a family, we hold adoption as sacred a way to enter a family as conception, pregnancy and birth.  Certainly, people don't approach a child and ask them details about their conception if they were born into the family they live with.  Adoption has some weird rules that people who are not in an adoption triad will never understand.  I liken it to the complete strangers that insist on rubbing a pregnant woman's tummy.  When a child is adopted, if people know they are adopted, this never stops.  (And one wonders why grown adoptees have some issues?  Along with this, there are so many things!)

And for my last pet peeve, challenge . . . when people are aware that my daughter was adopted and in a semi-open placement, they ask me, "Now, what was her real mother's name again?"  I am her real mother.  The woman who gave her life and gave her to us in an adoption placement, she is and always will be loved and deeply respected and honored by our family.  She gave us the title of parent through her own selfless actions.  

Now, do the "challenges" outweigh the joy?  Nope!  Would I do it again?  Yep.  I am too old and tired now, and am thrilled with our family the way it is, so I won't be doing it again, but if I were ten years younger, yep!  (For those of you nosey folks, I am 37 - too old for me to have another newborn in the house - it might work for others, but not me.)

Is my daughter happy?  Yep.  Does she have any pet peeves?  Yep.  She sometimes wishes she were born from a pregnancy like her sister.  She really hates to talk about her adoption with anyone not in the family.  Is my younger daughter ok?  Yep, she wants to be adopted, so she can have an extra celebration day - Adoption Day each year.

One thing that I have always struggled with personally is I have always felt a stewardship to my children.  I feel as though their lives were placed in my care for me to protect them from harm, pain and sadness.  When a person hands you a baby that she has just come from delivering out of her body, that stewardship is magnified.  Not only are you responsible to the child that you are given, but you feel as though this woman is counting on you to make a perfect life for this baby.

Ok, I know that is impossible, and unless you've been there, it seems irrational.  But it is real to me and whenever my daughter struggles with normal life stuff, a part of me hurts a little bit more, as if I had failed somewhere.  Seems kind of silly in black and white, but this is a feeling that I have talked about with other adoptive moms, and it is all there somewhere in there.

A family is a family is a family.  Each person has their own challenges that they will have in this life.  That's why we are here, to have challenges and learn from them and learn to help one another.  That is life happening.  Adoption, pregnancy, challenges happen.

I know this is long, if you're still reading . . . congrats!

(By the way, read between the lines, she knows she was born from a pregnancy, get real people!  LOL  She and her sister each wish they came to our family like the other one!  Some people can be so touchy!  (Did you miss that I am an adult adoptee!)  Funny funny.

And glad I could help some others who are starting this journey . . . Have a good day!

Answer 6

May I just say that Adoptees are not the the causality of the 'challenges' - adoption itself is

And to the lady who said her adopted daughter wishes she was born from a pregnancy, like her non-adopted sister - may I just say - eeeeeeeek!

I am an adoptee - definitely born from a pregnancy!!!

Answer 7

Well, my a-mom adopted me, and then had three of her own.

She has always said that I was the quiet one.  My a-sister and the younger of my two a-brothers were quite a handful (temperament-wise).  My other brother was quiet, like me, but always had ear infections.  

My a-mom still talks about how she could always leave me playing by myself while she ran around after the other kids.  

Unfortunately, my a-sister (who I'm very close to in general) has heard this one too many times, and when she's mad at a-mom she always yells at me and calls me the "golden-child."

I really wasn't perfect, but I was a very quiet, undemanding child.  No health issues or anything of the sort.  

None of which is to say that there aren't challenges.  Just that my a-mom, who talks a lot about what it was like to raise all of us, has never mentioned anything she chalked up to my adoption.

Answer 8

i know u want to hear from parents, but i'm a 30yr old who was adopted (international) when i was 6 months old.

i grew up in an american family that already had 2 biological sons.  one was 4 yrs older then another 8 years older than me.  i don't ever remember the day my parents sat me down and told me.  i just always knew that i was adopted.  i wasn't treated any differently (other than being a girl & a tad spoiled for that).  when my big brother and i fought & i spit or at least tried, i had soap in my mouth.  i was spanked for being a smart a*s.  the times i was grounded in the room for a few minutes...i would sometimes think "i wish i wasn't adopted" just out of being a brat.  i look back and crack up!  but that was when i was around 7-8yrs old.  amazingly my older brothers and i (especially the one 4 yrs older, we fought constantly) never through the fact that i was adopted in my face & i think that is great especially with the bad fights we had.  my mother was very open to me as a child that if i ever wanted to back to my country that she would go with me.  so i never had thoughts or needs to feel like i had to do that.  as i became older, in my mid 20's i started having the "wonder" about my biological mother.  but i would never spend thousands of dollars in order to possibly come across someone who moved on with her life.  who knows i could of been a product of a horrible time for her.  so i've left that alone.  my father is 100% irish & i was always told i was irish too since i was brought up in an irish family.  in elementary i would wear a 100% irish shirt on st. patty;s day....what a dork & i laugh my butt off til this day.  and i must say ive never been so proud now to have the irish last name!  

i know you're open by just adopting in the first place.  but be open for questions, curiosity, and possibly them finding their biological parents.  but the more you as a parent are open with the child, then the less questioning the child will have.  my parents came to me & like i previously said, i always knew.  

also, i don't like when i hear parents say "my adopted" child or refer to make the child as an outcast.  or "my adopted" sister....that to me is just NOT good.  just my own opinion.  

good luck!!!

Answer 9

They're not breastfed.  That means more doctor visits, upset tummy, ear infections, the list goes on ....

Answer 10

It doesnt matter what way we were born. A pregnancy is a pregnancy and adoption is adoption.

I have no experience of adopting anyone, I am the adoptee. I do know that my mother had alot of questions thrown her way when she adopted me. Some people didnt like adoption and some people were supportive. My mother didnt care,as she took to me like like a duck to water. Everything just fitted in when I was baught home.

Breastfeeding has nothing to do with anything. I didnt breastfeed my 2 daughters and I prob wont breastfeed my new one either.

Babies adjust well. Any older, then there will prob be some issues. I'm no expert.

Answer 11

Wilamadee, I am a new adoptive mother, and I think your answer is right on. I am so glad to hear your honesty and your positive feedback here. My daughter is only 8 months old, however, I do realize that the challenges we will face as a family will differ from biological families in some sense, but also be the same in others. We will just roll with the punches, and tackle those obstacles as they come our way. That's all we can do!

Answer 12

Well my mom says that I was a really good baby that I rarely ever cried or was sick.  My mom never breast feed her 3 biological children because she just had bad milk from what she says, and my brother who is 4 years older then me was allergic so he had to be feed soy milk as a baby.  I never really talked that much except to family, when I was younger my mom always said I wanted my dad to talk for me. She said in K I went nearly half the school year before acutal talking to the teacher, I was a strange child. It wasn’t that I didn’t like people I just didn’t talk. I have a feeling I may have had a mild case of autism. Apparently i was a late walker and talker too.

I was also born about 4 or 5 weeks early.

Answer 13

Butting in just to alert Wilmadee that her daughter did indeed come from a woman, just like her biological daughter:

"She sometimes wishes she were born from a pregnancy like her sister."

Please make her feel human!  Yikes!