What are the correct terms?

Question

There has been some discussion here lately about different terms. Here's my question, what are the correct terms these days to use for adoptive parents, bio parents, adopted children, non adopted children?

My children are my children, I don't differentiate between them at all, but the fact of the matter is that 2 were adopted and one was born to us.

I said "natural child" before and was attacked. Did I mean the other children were un-natural or were androids?

I am my children's father, no hyphen, no qualifier but I used the term "birth father" to speak of the man who was there when my daughter was conceived and I get asked what other kind there was..."death father". It really all gets kind of childish and I can't be bothered to try to use terms hit and miss till I come up with one that is "right".

What are the going terms and/or labels being used these days. What will not get me into trouble with small minded people out there?

Answer 1

Welcome to the club--You can't win for losing when it comes to what word someone wants to be called this week...and if you are an adoptive parent you will Never have the right word so....do what the rest of us do and use the words you want!

Answer 2

PC has run amok!  I remember a tv show once about PC going waaaaay out of hand.  One line was "Labels Disable!"

I do think that what we do in our own families with what we use is best and a lot of time is wasted arguing about this label or that, because each of us have our own opinions, experiences and consequences to live for our choices.  May we all make the right one for us.

Answer 3

Different people use different terms.  The least offensive seem to be first/natural mom/dad/family, and adoptive mom/dad/family.  I use the term "substitute" because it's honest, it fits the purpose behind our adoption (i.e., we are not interested in tearing apart a family to build ours - we only want to adopt children who have no other options, and for whom adoption is in their best interests), and because nowhere in the definition of "substitute" is "temporary" also implied.  I intend to be a PERMANENT substitute parent.  I believe this term honors my childrens' first parents, and my correct place in their life as a necessary, alternative parent (NOT less important, but certainly different, and with a different role in their lives).  I don't expect anyone else to feel the same way about this term as I do, and I don't expect anyone else to use it if they don't want to.

I intend to continue using this term to describe myself, and ONLY myself.  Each person has the right to choose which terms suit them best.  But when speaking about another person, it's always best to follow their lead.

Answer 4

Your awesome! Thanks for being a loving father to your children!

Answer 5

There are No right terms. There are only the terms that are right for you.

I will say about the woman who gave birth to me and gave me away, birth mother, natural mother, real mother, biological mother...all of these terms are correct...but its only offensive to the person who has the issue and not to me.

So in my viewpoint, when talking about yourself and your situation say whatever you want , but when referring to someone elses situation perhaps try to copy along the words they use , so example perhas a woman who gave up her child refers to herself as Natural Mother, then perhaps if you need to refer to that then use the same words as her...to make her feel more comfortable...

If the person doesn't use any terminology and you need to refer to something then use the wording you are comfortable with..

I Hope that makes sense ?

Answer 6

Hey, Randy.

I'm not sure about the correct terms.  I think that there are some that are less insensitive than others, but based on the numerous threads we've had on this subject, I think what constitutes correct adoption language is very subjective.

I call myself my children's mother, whether the children entered my family via birth or via adoption.  I make the distinction only when having a conversation of adoption (like this forum).  

We call our children's other mother their "Liberia mom."  I am the "American mom".  Again, they only use the qualifier when they need to differentiate between which mother they are talking about.  That works for us, so we're leaving it at that.

I try to refrain from using the term "Birthparent" as it's insulting to some.  I've said before that I don't like being referred to as "adopter" or "substitute parent".

Answer 7

People are pretty passionate about these labels. I use the term birthmom and birthdad, because that is what we were called before everyone wanted to be PC. It was 36 years ago and it's hard for me to change. I don't care what label you use, unless it's crack w***e, that I would find offensive.

Answer 8

There are no correct terms for anything. The struggle to be politically correct is rediculous. If I see a cute baby go by in a stroller who happens to be black, I should be able to say, " Mom! Look at that adorable little black baby," because that is the baby's race. It does not mean that I am discriminating against the baby. Skin color is a fact, not a deciding factor that separates people. You can call the man who gave your children half of their genetics whatever you want, and no one can stop you! : )

Answer 9

i believe that you should call your children whatever you want to,

I am in this situation with godchildren,

adopted by a family friend 5 siblings,

they are all adopted into the same family. their mother has always been refered to by her first name(the lady who carried them),

they were also allowed to know "----------" they were allowed to choose what they wanted to call her,

she became "our mother" and the family friend/adopter became "mom"....

everybody is OK with that...

the other thing is when people ask/inquire about the children to the adopted mother, the children are referred to as "my children" this includes the 2 children that the "mom" had conceived/birthed on her own..

for a grand total of 7...

only when she has to at "professional appointments" does she refer to the adopted children as adopted,

when referring to the mother who carried them, she calls her by "her name" or "the children's mother".....

I personally believe that if an adopted child hears their self continuously referred to as "her" child,

as true as it may be,

it impacts them in a negative way, especially when there is sibling born to the adopters,

and they have to listen to the child born to the adopter be called "my child",

and theirselves reffered to as "my adopted child"...it must build up animosity and mis understanding....

"children do not think like adults and are not able to understand the concept of "being loved the same" but "titled differently" ..again if everyone is comfortable with whatever you choose to call everyone, than all is swell, but remember that a child does not hear/see things like an adult...........which will ultimately impact their future choices/behaviours/feelings ect.

good luck

Answer 10

Here's a link to an article on "respectful adoption language" (formerly called "positive adoption language," so you can see that even people who spend their time thinking deeply about terminology can change their minds).  

http://www.perspectivespress.com/pjpal.h...

Me personally: as an adoptive mother, I only find myself bothered if someone refers to my child's birth mother as her "mom."  I've been known to snap, "I'm her mom."

Answer 11

Unless I'm on this site and want to point out that I have one adopted son and two children to whom I gave birth, I just say "my older son" and "my younger son" (or "my kids").

These days a popular term is "birth parents", although I still go with "biological parents" (if I HAVE to use the term, "parent" at all).  I raised my son saying, "the lady who had you" (if I needed to refer to her, which was rarely).

I favor, "biological", because that's what it is - a biological reality.

I never, however, wanted my son to be set apart from his siblings by using the term, "adopted".  I hate it when celebrities die and the news people say, "She had two adopted sons."