What are the possible reasons that would make a person loathe the idea of adoption?

Question

As an alternative to abortion?

I personally hate the idea of abortion and would rather be run over by a car than going through one.

I'm just trying to understand my boyfriend's logic, reason, or excuse for choosing abortion over adoption. He never explains it to me, but seems to passionatlely disagree with it. I mean, is adoption really that bad? Is there that many mistreated adoptee out there?

Answer 1

Are you pregnant??

Why kill the baby? There are so many great families that want children and just can't have them for various reasons. Why not bless them?

I guess he has never gone through death and/or wanting something that he just cannot have. My husband and I are good, family people that just cannot have our own children. We have so much love, fun, instruction, etc. to give to a child...and I know that there are many more families out there like us!

Good Luck!! : )

Answer 2

Adoption is not an alternative to abortion.  Adoption is an alternative to parenting.  Abortion is an alternative to carrying a pregnancy to term.

I don't like adoption (independent of my feelings on abortion, which I have no intention of discussing here), because it is predicated on loss.  The child loses his or her original mother during relinquishment.  This loss can cause a number of difficulties for the child.  Adoption cannot occur without this loss.  

I think society needs to face up to this reality, and the complexities involved in adoption, in order to better deal with the fallout from adoption.

I was not mistreated.  I have loving adoptive parents.  I simply believe that adoption is much more complex a process than society currently acknowledges.

Answer 3

He might feel guilty knowing that he has a child out there that he gave up.  If you don't want to have an abortion then don't!  Adoption can be a beautiful thing.  explore your options.  You can even choose to have an open adoption that will allow you to be a part of the child's life.  In the end, the choice is yours so make a good one!

Answer 4

Has your boyfriend considered that parenting is the natural consequence of pregnancy?  Abortion and adoption are human imposed consequences of pregnancy.

Is adoption really that bad?  It depends on one's experience with adoption.  Some of the people who loath adoption had their infants taken from them forcibly.  This was very common in the 50's, 60's and 70's and it still happens today.  It is/was usually the result the parents of the women cooperating with their religious organizations or adoption agencies.

Some people who loath adoption are mothers who lost their babies because they believed adoption industry workers who told her that she was doing a brave, noble thing by giving a "more deserving" couple a nice gift.  Too late, they realized that the "gift" was their precious child.  Their own flesh and blood.  They grieve for the rest of their lives.  One woman said being a "birthmother" is like being buried alive.

Answer 5

First of all I do not believe in abortion, its murder anyway you look at it, its a viable life, God said in the Bible He knows how many hairs are on our head before we are even born and Jesus said "Suffer not the children" an unborn baby is a child I don't care what the other side says.

  Adoption.  I was raised in foster care starting at the age of 3 and was reunited with my biological mother and one of my brothers at the age of 16, my sister was already with me.  My brother and sister had both been adopted and they didn't work out, so my sister came back to the home I was in.  My brother came back to Momma just before we came back.  My sister was abused by her adoptive father while I was being abused by my foster father. Oh yes there were six of us, the two youngest ones were adopted at ages five and six.  They only wanted one so their natural child would have a playmate, but they couldn't split them up so they had to take both of them. The six year old was by the age of 14 or 15 living on the streets, got involved in drugs and is now serving a 40 year sentence in a prison out in California.  The five year old is g*y and has AIDs.  By the way, the family that adopted them were very wealthy.  It took us over 40 years to find them.  Through the internet, I don't know how she did it, but my sister found our brother and then we found out about the one in prison.  You don't adopt a child to be a playmate, you want a playmate, get a dog or a cat, not a child.  Since they never really wanted him, they didn't give him the love and attention he desperately needed having been in foster homes at such a young age.  When we were taken away from our parents for good he was only 3, he needed more than they were willing to give.  Furthermore, girls are not the only ones who get sexually abused in foster homes and by adoptive parents boys do as well.  Don't get me wrong there are a lot of good people out there who do foster care for the right reasons and there are parents wanting a child of their own to love.  The problem is it doesn't matter how many good ones there are, it just takes a few bad ones to ruin a child's life.  No one told me they loved me or was glad to see me for over ten years, so I went looking for love in all the wrong places.  My brother went looking for acceptance in a bottle, three brothers in drugs, my sister went to drugs too for awhile, but praise Jesus she is now a born again Christian.  I just wish you two had thought about an unexpected pregnancy and an unwanted baby before you made the decision to have s*x.  We all have control over our bodies, its too late now, but I sure wish you had used more control over yours.  If you have an abortion you will be haunted by that for the rest of your lives, wondering how it would have looked, what its personality might have been like, who would it have looked like, what talent God would have given it.  If you put it up for adoption, you don't know who is going to get your baby and what kind of life its going to have. Once that baby is adopted Social Services doesn't come out and check on it to make sure its okay. Unfortunately that's how so many of our abused children slip through the cracks, no one is held accountable for their welfare.  There are no surprise visits to make sure the baby is in a loving secure home.  If you have the capacity to love, consider loving your own child and give it a home to grow up in, it will be a struggle, but girl you're going to be a woman and women are strong, we can accomplish anything we set out minds too.  Don't let someone else tell you what to do with your body and your baby.  They aren't carrying it, they won't feel it's first kick or feel it move as it gets in a more comfortable position.  Then when you get to hold it for the first time you're going to look at that little bundle of joy and you will know everything is going to be alright.  There are too many organizations who are willing to help you out.  Here in Lexington we even have an apartment building that is set up for young mothers who want to further their education.  Just think about it.  This isn't an outfit you had to have and then got home and decided you no longer want it.  This is your child.  Your precious baby.  I'll pray for you.

Answer 6

Abortion is terribly wrong. Ending a life that never got a chance is cruel. Though I am not sure what reason he would have, I would rather give up a child than kill it. Living life in a foster home/ orphanage would be better than never living at all.

Answer 7

Every adoption situation is different. You will hear bad stories and good stories. My daughter placed her baby for adoption and it is very open. We are all very much a part of this child's life. My daughter has no regrets about placing her baby. She can see that the parents can give her everything that my daughter can not(and I am not talking monetarily)

It's a difficult decision and I would advise you to get lots of counseling before you two make it. As for abortion, my personal feelings on that are I would never get one, but I can't tell someone else they can't have one. If you don't want one, he has no right to make you get one. If you choose to parent, he is stuck with the consequences of that, unless he signs over his parental rights. Then you receive no child support. Something to think about.

Answer 8

As an adoptee (reliquished at birth) and an adoptive mommy..I understand some who say adoption doesn't exsist without loss and therefore is terrible.

However, my 16 year old mother (with an abusive acholoic father) thought it was best for me to find a family to  love and care for me without the turmoil she experienced.

My daughters first parents are incarerated and my home a safe stable place for them.

Life is filled with uncertainty and loss..adoption meets a very real needs for THOUSANDS of children. They are given a home, a family and stability that they wouldn't have had otherwise.

www.adoptive-parenting.com/waiting-chi...

just ask the kids waiting for parents -they will tell you they choose adoption!!!

Answer 9

I'm not sure why people would loathe adoption. I know that some people cant except adoption as being ok. I dont know why and I guess I never will. I wouldnt say that adoption was an alternitive to abortion, although I do know where you are comeing from with that. I think some people think that adoption would hurt too much, attatchment issues etc but I guess you could say the same about abortion. None of us ould know until we were in the situation. People have different feelings and cope with things in there own way.\

Good question

Answer 10

Sounds like your boyfriend has reasons of his own for not liking the idea. Without getting a better idea of how he feels about the issue, it would be impossible to tell exactly why he hates it so much.

I'm sure most adult adoptees alive today would say that they are glad to be alive, even if they have been through some hardships in their lives. Who hasn't, after all?

Perhaps your boyfriend is scared of the idea of being a father at all, or perhaps he has had or knows someone who has had a bad experience. Of course, no one can tell you for sure except him. Try to pick a time to talk to him when you know you can both spend some time together without being interrupted. It's a big decision, and it's something you'll probably want to work out together and arrive at a solution you both agree to, if possible.

Answer 11

maybe he doesn't want to be found out by his parents, or that he thinks you'll keep the baby and that he'll have to pay child support. maybe he thinks things for kids that go into adoptive services aren't that great, in many cases he'd be correct.

Answer 12

I'm afraid if you go through with adoption you will wish you were instead run over by a car.

I lost my son to adoption over 20 years ago and it's a living h**l. The psychological effects of losing a child to adoption are many and they in turn can effect your physical health. The loss is long-term, and can be very severe.

I was reading this PhD thesis on reunion this morning:

http://www.ccnm-mothers.ca/English/artic...

I know that you are considering adoption and that reunion is something that may - or may not - happen for you and your child 20-30 years down the road. However, if you can think long-term about the effects of adoption this paper outlines some of the things that you may experience as a result of your decision.

I am also just beginning to realize that it is quite possible that I may never know or be a part of my grandchildren's lives if my son does have children. The consequences of adoption are so far-reaching it is difficult for me to give you the bigger picture of what impact it may have on you now and in the future, but believe me it will always be with you. I do loathe adoption and what it has done to me and to my son.

Best wishes

Answer 13

Your boyfriend's logic or reasoning may stem from his wish to "deny (or be in denial)" that you are placing his child with another family.   Also, he is not the one who will carry the majority of the guilt (as well as depression, loss, etc.).  You, or the mother of the child, will feel these feelings now and for many years to come.    Adoption is usually a beautiful alternative to abortion, abandonment, and abuse of an unwanted child.   There are mistreated adoptees out there, but there are far more mistreated biological children out there, also.

Answer 14

I don't know your boyfriends reasons, but yes, adoption really is that bad.  I was adopted and would tell anyone who asked me, never, ever do that to your own child.  Being abondoned by your own mother hurts way too much.

Answer 15

I totally agree with you. After having both adopted and given birth I could not imagine my life without any of my kids. I think the reason your boyfriend is pro abortion is because if you abort on some level it's not real to him. But when you start to show and feel the baby inside you, and when he/she is finally born it is real. And if he really doesn't want the baby... he probley feels that once you have the baby you'll not want to give him/her up.

Answer 16

As Phil said, abortion is not the alternative to adoption.  

A woman must decide whether or not she wants to be pregnancy.  Many women don't want to spend the rest of their lives not knowing their child.  That is what happens in adoption especially in 44 states.  

Its not a matter of adoptees being mistreated by their adoptive families.  The transaction of adoption itself degrades adoptees.  Adoptees feel like product to be bought and sold.

Answer 17

Read adoptee blogs, first mother blogs, join a support group for first mothers, get first-hand perspectives from women who have already placed their children and from adoptees who are living adoption.

Educate yourself.

Then let your heart be your guide.

Answer 18

I am an adoptive mom.  I do not believe that adoption is the alternative to abortion.  If you rule out abortion then you could either parent the child or choose adoption.

There are open adoptions nowadays so you could remain in contact with your child.  Make no mistake it will be a loss that will remain with you forever.  It is not an easy choice.  Only if you are strong enough would i venture further.  There are many loving adoptive homes out there just waiting for tiny miracles to love.  Adoption has been one of the greatest blessing in my life!  Interview the prospective adoptive parents to make sure you will all work together as a team to help the child deal with any feelings of loss.  

Think of the hardest decision you have ever made.  It will be 10 times harder than that.  Make sure you can handle this decision free from anyone elses opinions.  I'm not knocking adoption, I just want you or anyone to make an informed decision.  

Good Luck

Answer 19

You would be surprised how many women and/or their boyfriends "prefer" abortion over adoption.  I counseled women for over 10 years who were pregnant and considering abortion- and it never ceased to sadden my heart that they "think" it would be easier to abort then to adopt. The reasons?  

1- how could I carry a baby for nine months and then give him/her away. (my answer, to this is 2 fold- so it is better to take the babies life?  or , depending on the circumstance- if you carry your child to term and then decide you cannot adopt him/her out- then you have your child)

2- Your boyfriend may "think" it is easier for you to abort than to place your child for adoption for many reasons. one being that if you abort , his family will never know you were pregnant.  Or if you carry his child, then he would be responsible for it- or if you carried and placed for adoption- he would have to say goodby to his son/daughter.  I know that there are some here that have had not the best adoption experience- but I can tell you - I am adopted and have 2 adopted children- are I am very thankful the 3 of us were not victims of abortion.  Tell your bf that you are going to carry his child- and have him realize that taking the life of the child will be hard on you, and also the physical risks that you can have as well.   Don't let him talk you into it- place this child for adoption= each child is conceived for a purpose-  I know that you know that already.

Answer 20

It's your body.  It's your choice.  Regardless of what the adoption mafia on this site will tell you about how horrible it will be for you and for the baby and for everyone in the world it remains your decision. Let's be honest most people that have been adopted lead normal even happy lives.  Some don't.  As you are not a fortune teller you have to deal with the issues that are currently at hand and that you may have some information on.

First, do you want to terminate your pregnancy?

I think you have pretty soundly determined that for whatever reason that is not an option for you.

Secondly, are you at this time willing and able to raise your child?  This is the part that no one but you can know and understand. Search deep with in yourself and discover if  you are able to be a mother to this child.

Thirdly, after carefully weighing all options be confident that you have made the correct choice.  Don't let anyone else tell you what to do or how to proceed!  This is an extremely personal choice that I am sure you have given considerable time to.  No one can walk in your shoes.  No one has the right to judge your choice.

Good luck to you. :)

Answer 21

the two are not related, they are two entirely different choices

One is a choice not to go through with a pregnancy at all

The other is a choice not to parent

Answer 22

maybe he is trying to run from the fact that he should have been mature enough to strap up and now that he wasnt he cant be adult enough to take care of a baby properly. Maybe he should have thought about it all before it happened, now a human life will be taken because he is too embarassed to let people know how irresponsible and immature he was... But he was adult enough to have s*x, just not to take care of a baby!!! Sounds harsh but i am tired of these men taking a babys life for granted!

Answer 23

i wasn't mistreated as an adoptee, but your boyfriend is right. If you can not parent, please return the unwanted potential human to the source.

I wish my mother would have had the option. Being separated from one's mother is like a psychological and emotional death for the infant. Parents are not interchangable. It has caused me a lifetime of pain i would not wish on an enemy. You may find some adoptees that disagree with me, but would you really want to risk your child's future? Abandonment has affected my ability to feel love, it's really a very comprimised empty way to exisit.