What are the problems with Coercing mothers to keep their babies?

Question

I totally agree that coercion is a very important issue and a real one. No person should be manipuated into adoption. But I fear that the pendelum can swing so far in the other direction that those who are considering adoption, for what may be good reasons, are actually talked out of it...I sometimes think some answers on this forum go too far. Can't it be dangerous to talk someone into keeping her baby who truly doesn't want to? Will some of these children end up in foster care down the road?

Answer 1

I think young women hear a lot more about adoption being the best option without hearing from a variety of women who have relinquished and a variety of women who have kept their babies in similar situations.  These women really need to know all of their options.  That includes all of the options available to help them keep their babies.  

If someone is certain and comfortable with the choice to relinquish, that is one thing.  But, if someone is considering relinquishing but they have reservations, that's another situation altogether.  Sometimes these women just need to know there are supports that will allow them to keep their baby.

Answer 2

I agree with you. It can be harmful to talk a person who doesn't want their child to keep it. I know that many will say that the person should not done what it took to get the baby, but it goes deeper than that. Some people really NEVER need to procreate and if they do, they should definitely think about giving up the baby to adoption so that someone more deserving, someone that knows how to care for the baby can give the baby the love and care that they need. Child abandonment has been at an all time high in recent years and when that happens, the children do end up in the system and/or a foster/ group home which may not always be beneficial to the children. I've heard stories of kids being raped, sodomized, and molested in these homes. If we let people that dont want their babies keep them, who do the children have to run to? Why would we want our children to be adandoned because of their mother's dumb mistakes... I liked this question and although it's a controversial one it needs to be answered.

Answer 3

more than agencies do the coercing. Just like with adoption, there are pressures from family & friends.

I asked this Q a while back

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 4

I don't know that a mother can be "coerced" to keep her baby. She can be given ALL the options though, which no agency is ever going to give her!  they want her baby and have customer's waiting, so why would they direct her in any other direction but adoption?

I believe any woman should follow her own heart and instinct of what is right for her and her baby and all too often she is told by people with alterior motives, that her instincts are wrong, or it's 'just the hormones talking' - that kind of stuff really chaps my hide

Answer 5

Those that actually consider relinquishing there children to adoption are NOT the drug addicts and abusive parents that have had their children taken from them and placed into foster care - in fact they more often come from middle-class backgrounds.

Most women who even consider relinquishing are worried about situations that are usually short term (such as money, age, college etc).

What is best for the child - is to stay with their mother - or next best - cared for within the same family.

Why would you call that 'dangerous' - unless the child is in actual danger??

Adoption is a long term solution to an often short term problem - with regards to infant adoption.

With so many children in foster care - how on earth can people still encourage mothers to give up their children - when they mostly just need encouragement to parent their own child????

In the USA - there are over 130,000 adoption finalised per year - but there are still over 100,000 children waiting in foster care.

In Australia - there are under 500 adoptions per year.

In Australia - family preservation is first choice - which is what is BEST for the child.

Answer 6

That is why no one should convince anyone of anything.  All three choices should be made to mothers, without coersion.  I agree babies are not always best off with natural parents if the natural parents won't be able to parent.  They just shouldn't be pressured either way.

As for answers on this forum, I also feel there are some extremes, adn I certainly hope no one makes their decision from the basis of these question and answers but sees a professional (i.e. planned parenthood) in person.

Answer 7

Yes, if the birth mother is very sure that adoption is right for her, trying to coerce her not to place her child could eventually lead to either abortion- or a bad life for both the mom and baby.  This is not to say that some birth moms that change their minds about adopting out,will not be good mothers- I know of some

Answer 8

It can very well happen.  Just as a woman can be convinced against her own reasonable thinking about adoption, she can also be convinced about parenting.  I doubt that such would lead to abuse or neglect, but it is still not healthy for everyone involved, especially the child.  It really all depends on the person.  For some, the maternal instinct kicks in almost immediately and for others it may take some time, if it ever comes at all.  I relinquished my youngest daughter at birth of my own free will.  Even tho my family was not really supporting adoption, they still supported my decision because of my overall feelings.  I was and am currently raising a four year old who is special needs, we were and still are sort of in a bad spot in our lives, I barely bring stability to one child there was no way I could with two.  When I finally brought up adoption, my mother was the main one who did not want me to go thru with it.  I had to sit her down and explain to her what I was going thru.  Yeah, she made me feel guilty.  But I stuck with my decision.  

And I do not doubt that families can pressure a woman into parenting her child just as they can pressure her into relinquishment.  For those who can admit that they are not ready or willing to parent their child, they should get support not guilt.

Answer 9

I appreciate your question and know that I am a big proponent of encouraging women to parent. That is in part because of my own experience - of not having had the opportunity to parent my child because I didn't know the basics such as how to access financial aid, or to whom I might turn for support. I was young, I didn't have much life experience, and when you're up against adoption agencies, facilitators, lawyers, and people who really want a baby, you need SUPPORT!!! So, yes, I do STRONGLY encourage women to get the help they need to raise their child - it is a big - a HUGE - decision to make and one that you and your child have to live with for the rest of your lives. After having lost my son and knowing what this "choice" did to me I will in no way apologize for supporting young women to have the option and opportunity to parent first - before surrendering.

I get very frustrated seeing how women - our daughters, American citizens - are treated when they are in a tough situation. They are praised and at the same time denigrated and preyed upon. It is such a vulnerable time in a woman's life and yet I see so many people (most often other women!!!) willing to see another woman and her child separated because of their own wants (it is not a need - it is greed); it really does disgust me. But that's what infant adoption most often is, one woman's desire to have a(nother  woman's) baby to call her own.

When it comes to adoption reform, the grand ole USA needs to look to other, more advanced civilizations, such as Australia where women are treated like respected members of the community/country and given the support they need to bond with their child after giving birth. Are American women so unworthy? What does that say about your daughter's rights? How does it affect our communities? What are we going to do to change it? Or is the status quo okay?

Women shouldn't be parted from their children before 4-6 months after birth at the earliest. Let the government cover it, so what, it's better than paying for a war, or paying someone to sit on their butt because they can make better money from unemployment than working a lower wage-earning job. There are lots of ways our money can be spent; family preservation is one of the better investments.

As for foster care, I don't know. Let's look - again - to Australians who've already gone down this road. Are there thousands more children in foster care because women have been encouraged to parent? Nope.

Answer 10

Yes, I do believe that a person can be "forced" into parenting when they truly do not want to do so.  

I do believe in giving bio parents all of the options out there so that coercion does not exist in the adoption process, but I do worry that some people feel "forced" into parenting.  If they decide at a later time to consider adoption, I worry about the impact that may have on the child also.

Answer 11

This is why I feel any counseling that a birthmother and or birthfather receives should be from someone who is not going to pressure them one way or the other. Instead will give them all their options and things that could help them out  whatever they decided. If they are thinking of parenting or decide they want to, they can provide them with pamphlets on programs/ organization  that could be of assistance. If they want to place they could help them look into different agencies etc.  In the end the person is just helping them look at all their options gather information  and is not going to say “I think you should do this…..  I would recommend this….”

Answer 12

That is why we as a society should only present the facts. Tell them the side effects of adoption and abortion.  We should also tell them about the issues with parenting.  It should be very very neutral so we can guarantee the decision is coercion free.

Answer 13

I agree with you, it might do more harm than good.

Answer 14

funny you mention this . . .there is an 18 year old girl, no GED/high school degree, no way to support her child, living under somebody else's roof that has made the decision to relinquish . . .

and yet, anti-adoption fanatics are telling her not to do it.  they're trying to do the very thing they say shouldn't be done . . but this time, it satisfies their desires and furthers their claim that kids should always stay with their parents regardless of what the parent thinks (even though they know their situation).

Answer 15

If a mother seriously does not want to keep the baby, she may not be ready.  She may be the nicest perso in the world but, if she is not ready she is not ready.  There are several people out in the world that would be willing to adopt a child and stay in touch with the mother should she wish. But, to talk her into something she does not want is not fair to her.  They could end up in foster care if not worse in the future.