What are your feelings on this mother's personal truth?

Question

http://www.eclectica.org/v6n1/buterbaugh.html

Answer 1

I feel that her message is powerful.  Thanks to the Internet, the victims of the baby scoop era are being heard and heeded.  In spite of the US's love affair with adoption, I think that BSE mothers are getting the message out there that unnecessary adoptions are tragic.  According to the NCFA, less than 1% of pregnancies to unmarried women result in adption.  That's the good news.  The bad news is that coersion still occurs and laws violate the rights of fathers.

I very much admire the BSE mothers who are reclaiming their motherhood in spite of the unfair judgement and attempts to shame them into silence that is still prevalent today.

Answer 2

I believe it is HER personal truth.... And I respect her feelings....  

But, I also believe that there are many pregnant young mothers who Do Not make an adoption plan--who are able to stand up to the pressure of their parents judgments and do what they believe is right for themselves...

I have been waiting all day for someone on the "Pregnancy" area of YA to post that they have been solicited--pushed--conned-or in any way approached by anyone to place their baby for adoption.... No One has reported such a thing has happened....

Having been the child of teenage parents in 1963 my parents were not married and my mother was given the CHOICE to go to one of the homes....and place me for adoption..... She Didn't, she wouldn't have anything to do with that....she knew before the conversation even started that was not a choice for her....

At 16 she was not subject to this kind of pressure because in her heart is simply wasn't an option... She was not open to the suggestion or any arrangements... She didn't FALL victim to this situation because SHE would not consider it.... To her it was not possible.

The fact I believe my life would have been better had she made that choice isn't important... She chose to marry her boyfriend, and indure family and public judgements because placing her baby was simply Not an option she was willing to consider....

There have always been choices... even in the dark days there were still choices... Even in the horrible evil days of Maternity Homes pregnant mothers HAD options...  There have always been unmarried poor mothers who didn't place their babies. There are "stories" in nearly every family I know of someone who had a baby without a husband...

History is filled with unmarried mothers who Did NOT allow other people to cause them to make a choice they didn't want to make... Books written that include stories of unmarried poor young woman who found a way to rise above the judgements of others---the advice of outsiders and face the shame of whatever society held for the situation they were in....

I have heard these same kinds of words spoken by women who chose to have an abortion they regretted.... That the shame, the presure from parents and the greedy adortion clinics conned them into making a choice for abortion... But, yet there are oddles of woman everyday who resist this choice as well...

I have known many woman who say they were presured to abort a child... Presured to place a child for adoption... and I have also heard stories of mothers who knew it was the right choice to place her baby or have an abortion and Didn't....

I also know way too many people even from the Old days who placed babies--yet tell a story that it was Their choice. My ex-husband would have loved to have found his birth mother as one who told a story that she was convienced but regretted it everyday since--He didn't find that... He found that his biological parents were Married before he was born in 1962 and chose to place him because they were not Ready to Parent and wanted to finish college... They are still married today...My parents are not.

I believe that Adoption can't happen unless the mother is on some level willing to let it happen.... I don't judge the reasons why the mother would make this choice--that isn't my position...

I know that even as a young mother with a second baby due 14 months after the first....living in a 1 bedroom apartment--making hardly nothing during a horrible recession I would have Killed someone who tried to take my baby... I would have lived in a cardboard box and been a streetwalker before I made a choice to place my baby for adoption... No one on the earth could have tricked me--judged me or caused me to place my baby.... I just wasn't an option for me.

I have my own personal Truth... and feelings about why someone makes a choice they Later regret. I have made choices I regretted too... It is always so much easier to Think that somehow I didn't Have a different Choice--or that No One Stopped me---or that Someone Else Made me choose what I did....

I spent a long time angry with my parents for Not telling me they thought it was a mistake for me to get married so young... I have said things like, "Gosh you sure didn't understand that had you told me it was a mistake I would have respected you...." Who knows if I really would have... Looking back I rather doubt it--it just makes it easier for me to not take responsibility for a choice I regretted when I can find a way to remove myself from the responsibility of my decision.

I believe that this is the Truth Many birth mothers have and that they believe that they were convienced--tricked or forced to place a baby for adoption... I can totally understand how that is easier to accept then to regret the choice they made and be responsible for the fact that choice was made.

It's sad because I think that there will be better healing and a more authentic reunion when someone is able to say they made the decision that was right for them--and the baby at the time--even though they regretted it later.

And I am not saying that there have been No situations where there were no other choices due to horrible crime or abuse... those situations have happened.... But today in this time it is clear to me those who do feel they were forced by whatever had to first be willing to consider the option.

Answer 3

"... most birthmothers lost their innocence, self-esteem, and prospects... many relinquished their trust in others and their sense of identity within society... many felt that their most important relationships... were damaged beyond repair...........Most... remained permanently incapable of trust and intimacy."

That would be my first mother - to a tee.

*cry*

Answer 4

It's much like my mother's story.

The author of that essay started Origins-usa.org, and has a web site I urge others here to read

http://www.babyscoopera.com

Answer 5

"... most birthmothers lost their innocence, self-esteem, and prospects... many relinquished their trust in others and their sense of identity within society... many felt that their most important relationships... were damaged beyond repair. More than one in five became involved in abusive relationships... Under the influence of anger and depression, some set out on paths of self-punishment and self-destruction... Many became emotionally estranged from everyone who had been involved... About one fifth developed eating disorders... More than one in five developed secondary infertility. Most... remained permanently incapable of trust and intimacy."

Yup, that about sums it up.

ETA

I'd like to add that the messed up nmom in me is nowhere near as damaged as the f*cked up adoptee in me is.

Answer 6

It's HER truth. And I agree that she lacks data  to back up her statistics.

Answer 7

Wow I can't believe people are still attempting to deny that this happens/happened!  Some of the people here just appear to be blind

This part really got me.   How awful that our mothers had to face this kind of abuse.   Of course today, it's much more subtly done

"Social worker Barbara Hansen Costigan, in her dissertation, "The Unmarried Mother--Her Decision Regarding Adoption" (1964), claims:

The fact that social work professional attitudes tend to favor the relinquishment of the baby, as the literature shows, should be faced more clearly. Perhaps if it were recognized, workers would be in less conflict and would therefore feel less guilty about their "failures" (the kept cases).

Marcel Heiman, M.D. in "Out-Of-Wedlock Pregnancy In Adolescence," Casework Papers 1960, provides evidence of social workers' bias towards adoption:

The caseworker must then be decisive, firm and unswerving in her pursuit of a healthy solution for the girl's problem. The "I'm going to help you by standing by while you work it through" approach will not do. What is expected from the worker is precisely what the child expected but did not get from her parents--a decisive "No!" It is essential that the parent most involved, psychologically, in the daughter's pregnancy also be dealt with in a manner identical with the one suggested in dealing with the girl. Time is of the essence; the maturation of the fetus proceeds at an inexorable pace. An ambivalent mother, interfering with her daughter's ability to arrive at the decision to surrender her child, must be dealt with as though she (the girl's mother) were a child herself. (Emphasis added)"

Answer 8

Heartbreaking and powerful.

Thank you for sharing it.

Answer 9

She obviously feels very wronged by the system and by society.  I think she is lacking in statistical data that would lend credibility, rather than just opinion, to her cause.  How many women in these homes were kept from their children because of inability to pay?  

Further, how much blame can we place on the system? Ultimately, the parents were the ones sending their daughters to these places- without their consent the homes would have no authority.  She's not addressing the role of the family in allowing and encouraging the practice.

I feel for her and I'm sorry for what she went through.  Didn't the article say that she had been researching this for five years?  Well, her child was born in 1966 and the article was written in 2001.  Has she always wanted her baby back, or was it just in the past few years she began to feel so strongly about it?  I'm not saying she shouldn't feel guilty, but what does that say about her willingness to give her child up for adoption at the time? Perhaps she was willing to do so, but later has regrets.  Even in current adoption proceedings, it's possible for a mother to regret her decision later in life, but legally (for the good of the child) nothing can be done.  Imagine, a five year old child taken from the only home he knew and placed with a total stranger because his birthmother decided she wanted him back.  You can't do it.  

What's left out is the stories of the children.  Most of them probably were placed in loving homes with caring parents who could care and provide for them.  Most probably grew up happy and successful.  What kind of life would the child have had with (as the writer herself proclaims) mothers who couldn't afford to pay medical bills or child care and has families who didn't want to face reality?  Some mothers could have done it, I'm sure, and their children would have been fine.  Though the tactics are undoubtably questionable at best, what were the motives behind them?  Did these caretakers believe that adoption was the best route both for the child and the mother?  If they did, can we fault them for going essentially the same thing the birth mother wanted to do- the right one?

Answer 10

I think it tells a compelling story of many women.  I know here in Canada the pendulum has swung the other way and all parents are encouraged to do what is right for them, and services galore are offered to them to help them raise the children.  Some of these services may be sub par, but everything from basic assistance, job training, in home parent training, universal health care etc.  It won't be easy but it helps I think with their choice.

I think out of any of the adoptions that happen in Ontario, it is usually from children that paren'ts were not able to raise them, as likely dictated by the courts.  

So I don't see this problem very evident here in Canada, although I would like to hear from any recent bio moms from Canada to see if it is still going on.

In the STates, I believe from being on this forum that this type of coersion still exists and that adoption reform is a good thing; I do think however that not all birth/bio parents are coerced and that some still woudl make the decision for adoption.

Answer 11

I feel very sorry for anyone in that situation. My husband is adopted. He believes his mother didn't want him or she would have kept him. I know that back 30-50 years ago girls were forced in giving their babies up when they were underage and unwed. His mother was 13 years old when he was born and he had a great child hood. I do feel the mothers have a right to records pertaining to their children but I believe it should be reported to the children from a third party that their mother or father is looking for them and then should be up to the child to decide what the next steps should be. I don't know if this is the answer you were looking for or if this even helped. I feel for anyone mother or child that is put into this situation.

Answer 12

i am an adopted person, and the "adoption" was kept secret in both my biological and adoptive families, i always knew something was different about me from my siblings but each time i ask the "question" i was told that i was crazy for even considering the idea! i grew up believing i was somebody i wasn't and when the truth finally was revealed at age 29 (with 3 children of my own) my world feel apart i found my birth mother who told me that she was forced into giving me up and had no choices as she was not yet 17, she grieved for me but had no choice but to get on with her life, she married an abusive man and ended up moving to Qld from Vic and became estranged from her family she is alcohol and drug dependant and still i believe a very hurt scared 16 year old girl who has never been able to move on with her life...just my story

Answer 13

It is a load.  Lots of people give up kids for lots of reasons, some good some bad.  In the end we all have our crosses to bear.  If she is concerned she should try to help others today who are suffering and offer assistance.  Resurrecting the past is pointless.

Answer 14

She seems to be focused on the way that adoptions and unwed mothers were handled over 40 years ago.

While those women and children probably need help, it is unfair to compare that to current conditions.

I think that young girls today are make the decisions on their own.  There is so little stigma attached to teen pregancy any more that I think her argument is antiquated.