What are your opinions on...?

Question

Placing foster children into homes that are desperate for a child.

I was reading on a diff. site today about a foster mother who opened her home to foster children. In her state they have a year for the natural parents to work on reclaiming custody of their child.

This foster mother was finding herself angry at the natural parents for allowing themselves to be in that situation. The foster mother has wanted a child for so long, that she couldn't fathom being in the situation of the natural parents. Every time they (first parents and foster mother) talked she was angry at the first parents.

what type of impact do you think this could have on the foster child and his/her reuniting with the natural parents? Do you think this is healthy for the foster mother? Going into a foster placement type of situation, with the "hope" of an adoption, would it come in between the chances of reunion for the foster child with his/her natural family? Would the state have a better chance of reunification if the foster families weren't desperate for a child? Do "that many" families exist that are willing to open their homes to children they don't want to adopt, instead offer their home as a "mutual safe zone" for child awaiting transition back into their family? What type of impact could this have on child, foster parents, and natural family?

I am not by any means saying this is right or wrong, I support foster homes to possible adoption, far before any other type of adoption. Just putting this out there for discussion because I think this is common, and could be an interesting discussion.

Answer 1

It's possible she just needed to vent and found a place to do it.  However, if she is saying or implying these things to the children, she shouldn't be with the children to begin with.

I don't think someone who is desperate to have a child should be in this position.  I think, even if it's not intentional, her attitude could easily sabotage the child's chance of reuniting with the parents, if they overcame the obstacles that got in the way to parent in the first place.

Answer 2

I think it would be very hard to spend much time being a foster parent and deal daily with the effects of abuse, neglect, and drug addiction on vulnerable children, and not feel SOME level of anger and resentment toward the people who inflicted this life on their families. And I don't think anger at cruelty or indifference is a bad thing-- how else would change happen?

I think the line where it becomes a problem is if the foster mother was discouraging genuine efforts on the parts of the biological family to improve (for instance, it's one thing to be upset about the mother blowing off rehab yet again, and quite another to yell at her for needing rehab in the first place even if she's attending religiously,) if she's sabotaging the chances for reunification, or trying to infect the children with her anger. At the point she was doing any of those things, she would need to stop fostering until she can get her own priorities in line. Not having read what she actually said and hearing it only secondhand, I can't be sure if she's reached that line yet.

I think it's human, normal, and probably healthy to get angry about abuse and neglect. It shows the person actually cares. The point at which it becomes unacceptable is if it's interfering with her ability to do her job as a foster parent-- which includes caring for the children emotionally and physically, and supporting the goal of family reunification if it's possible and safe.

Answer 3

She sounds very human. She is obviously going through a very difficult time with her desire to be a mom that has yet to be fulfilled. In her mind, I am sure she is wondering why these people, who can't seem to get their act together can have a child, when she can't. I think it's a common feeling.

However, a foster parent holds a lot of influence over impressionable, possibly traumatized children, so that raises the stakes. Foster parents should have to undergo many psychological tests and screenings as their position is a very difficult one. They are being asked to care about a child that will eventually leave them. Even though they are told to guard their hearts and not fall in love, please, how could someone not?

This foster mom is probably a very loving and caring woman and would otherwise make a terrific mother, however, she doesn't sound like an ideal candidate for a foster mother. Foster-adopt is one option that was available to us, but we were simply not up to the emotional gamble.

As for speaking negatively about first parents, that is also hard. I find myself struggling with that. I am VERY angry at my new son's first parents. My mind went to very dark places, but before he was to transition to our home my husband said that we had to shelve the anger as it would do nothing for our child, so we spent the weekend basically yelling, crying and even at one point screaming at his invisible first parents just to get it out. He will have his own feelings about the past (as much as he remembers) and we will validate and support them, however, we don't want his opinions or memories to be influenced by our anger.

Hats off to foster parents, their job is not an easy one, but I think those entrusted with foster children need to be emotionally healthy and while they have a right to their anger, they need to separate their personal feelings about the first parents and concentrate on helping these children feel safe and secure.

Answer 4

In Canada in the province of British Columbia, the Social Service directors give courses to new foster parents, and it is made very clear that the foster parents are to provide a temporary home for a child.  There are many workshops and training sessions made available to foster parents and many of them are obligatory.  This is a learning process that helps us face our emotions when the child leaves us or re-unites with his/her family.

The grief process over not having the child you loved and cared for over time is a difficult one, there are no easy answers or quick fixes in this kind of a loss.

Being desperate for a child is NOT  good entry into the adoption process.

Answer 5

I think the state made a really bad call on that one.  

I don't think there is anything bad with that mother - but she should never have been placed in a situation where she was fostering children that were not "legally free".  It's simply to hard on her, the kids, everyone!  

That state must have been really desperate to put her in that type of situation...  that or just plain stupid!

Answer 6

We were the "mutual safe zone" as you stated here as we tried to help the first mothers and fathers of "all" the children that we have had placed.  Wow when I say "all" it seems like we have had 100's of kids, but in all actuality it was only three children and two were sent home.  One of the children we still get to talk to and the other not. We are always positive when talking about parents to the child...always!  Reunification for one of the children we sent back was easier than the other...(the other one was just a baby while the older one was well, older).  He had issues moving back in with mom as it was totally different from his life in foster care.  The rules weren't the same / the food wasn't the same / his room wasn't the same / he moved away and lost all of his "second family" (his "foster brother" who was with him the whole time in foster care)...etc.  

Personally, I believe there is a need for foster care - but there is alot of room for growth / change.  While my husband and I wanted to adopt - obviously one of the reasons we got into foster care - but we also wanted to help parents.  This is why we did the type of fostering that we do / did.  Yes, I love my son!  Yes, I cry at night because he doesn't understand!  Yes, he is my son!

Answer 7

It's slightly scary to me.  Foster care is supposed to exist for the children not the foster parents.  Yes, you get attached to your children.  Very attached.  But part of the unconditional love you feel for a child is wanting the best for them, even if that means letting them go.  If they can go safely and happily back to their natural family that is the best outcome you can hope for.

I wanted to do long term/permanent foster care.  I knew I had the dedication to offering a child a family for as long as they needed it.  I have also felt relieved that my children have stayed in my care as their natural parents truly aren't ready, willing or able to parent them yet, and may not be ever.  But not once have my kids been there for ME.  I'm there for them, for as long as they need me, but they don't exist to make me happy or fill my needs.

In my opinion that's selfish at best.

Answer 8

Having worked in a residential treatment facility where kids were often severely abused prior to intake (not necessarily by bio parents), I found myself in somewhat similar positions often.  At times, I would find myself so overwhelmed with emotion triggered by what these kids had endured that I had to excuse myself from the situation to go cry.

I think it's an entirely different situation, however, when the "helper" (foster parent, staff, or whatever the case may be) is angry because THEY want the child.  (I did experience this situation once while I worked at the RTC, but I wasn't able to bring the child home).  In those cases, I believe it stops being about what's best for the child, and starts being about what's best for the helper.  (In my case, the child, a 14 year old girl who was abandoned by her adoptive parents, went on to foster care holding her head high, while I cried for months.  I recognize that at that point, it was about MY need to know she was safe...SHE was just fine.  She was incredibly resilient, and my tears did nothing for her.  I also didn't tell her how I felt.  I never told her I wanted to bring her home, as much as that killed me, so she had no idea about my months of grieving.)  

In my opinion, anyone who chooses to work in the helping professions MUST be fully capable, and WILLING to not have any say, and to not allow their own emotions to override the needs of the person they are helping.  A foster parent who allows her/himself to get angry because the natural parents are not able to keep their child safe is not only driving themselves crazy, but is also putting that child in danger (if not physically, then emotionally...how do you develop a healthy sense of self when your caregiver is always angry with the people who created you?  And don't tell me kids don't know those things...kids are smarter than most people give them credit for - they know.)

It is normal and natural to have our own issues triggered by situations we're in.  If we are healthy adults, we are able to process that emotion separately (NOT in the presence of the child), and we are also able to recognize that it is our own issues we are processing, not the issues of the child.  It is their job to process their own issues.  It is not our job, as their caregivers, to grieve what THEY lost, or to be angry, sad, hurt, upset, or even happy when WE believe THEY should be.  If we are having an emotion in response to a situation we see someone else in, that is OUR issue, NOT theirs.  Anyone who is not able to recognize that, should not be in the helping professions, and should get intensive counseling until they are able to develop some healthy boundaries and separate their own issues from those around them.

JMO.

Answer 9

It's a testament to the incredible strength an endurance of foster adopt parents. Usually they endure a lengthy infuriating journey while our broken foster system tries to reunite them with unfit parents. Luckily for children, these parents are often very motivated to parent and they are willing to support the children and care for them during this sad and difficult time.

You seem to want to pretend that these parents have lost custody of their children because of a funny turn of fate.

I suggest that you start today doing some volunteer work with children in the foster system.  

Answer 10

Hi Gershom,

I want to start my answer by saying, I have the greatest admiration for foster parents.

Then I want to say i remember being desperate for a child, especially after the death of our first child.  Its a horrible place to be.  I have great empathy for them.  You just HAVE to work thru that pain and desperation.  Its one stepping stone in dealing with loss but a very easy place to get stuck at.  Until a person has worked thru all their stages of grief, its not healthy to try to adopt. (or in this case foster)

I have no doubt that once this person worked thru her grief, she would be an amazing foster/adoptive mom.  Until she resolves her issues, its not fair to her, the child, or the natural parents.

It also takes an extraordinary person to love a foster child only to return her/him to their natural parents.  Those foster families should go into it without the anticipation of adoption.  Only that way are every ones best interests served.  I personally know of only two families who offer  "mutual safe zone" homes.  Like i said they are extraordinary people that i am in awe of.  My best friend works for cps.  She said that these foster families make all the difference in the children's transitions back to their natural families.