What are your thoughts about disassociation of attachment during pregnancy?

Question

In the last Juno question asked in the adoption section, there was discussion over the idea of firstmothers (birthmothers) disconnecting themselves while pregnant from their child being their child. (aka, thoughts of being an incubator for someone else's baby, or remaining firm in the thoughts that your baby was someone else's)

If you relinquished your child or considered relinquishing your child for adoption, did you have these feelings? What do you think this behavior stemmed from? (for example... coping tool, self-coercion to follow through, the way it should be, etc...)

If you didn't relinquish your child for adoption, what do you think about this topic?

Answer 1

First I'm not comparing myself to what a first mother must have felt.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was told at 8, 16, 24 and 36 weeks that I may very well lose her to complications from Placenta Previa to low AFI and a compressed unbilical cord.

From the begining I tried to feel like I wasn't pregnant "just in case" It never felt REAL until she out. Even then I started to hemorrage and I though I was a goner. So I can see how someone could try to convince herself "this isn't real"

Answer 2

I think the baby must feel it and I find it incredibly sad

Answer 3

During my second pregnancy, I had a threatened miscarriage at about 6 weeks.  I would have been sad if I lost the baby, but I had only just found out that I was pregnant days before.  Luckily, the baby stayed put.  

Later, at about 6 months, I had a threatened miscarriage/premature birth.  By then I had really become attached to the baby, and I was devastated by the idea of losing him.  The doctors explained that the baby's development at that time was borderline between miscarriage and survivability.  If it was born and did survive, it would have life-long health concerns.  I was in the hospital for a week, and finally went home to strict bed-rest.  

Those last three months of my pregnancy, of course I knew intellectually that I was pregnant.  But I simply refused to let my emotional sense of the baby develop.  I didn't embroider clothes as I had for my previous child.  I couldn't talk about names.  I just really distanced myself from the emotional build-up to having a welcome, cherished baby.  And it was all because I figured in a crazy, convoluted way that this would somehow make it easier if I did lose the baby.  I spent almost three months in bed, but barely remember that time.  Happily, he was born big, strong, and healthy...and even a few days late!  As soon as he was born and I could see that he was healthy, my feelings just...ka-boing...went to where I expected them to be.  We are close today, and I doubt there were any lasting effects for him or me.

Answer 4

Hmm. I'm not sure what to add other than what you already seem to know, but I'll try.

I'm a birthmom that gave a baby girl up for adoption seven years ago.  I guess you could say that at the time I was pregnant with that baby, I disconnected from the baby I was carrying.  But looking back now, after having two kids of my own, I see that's not the 'only' angle that should be considered.  I'm not a woman who feels particularly bonded to babies that I'm carrying, period.  I didn't feel all that closer to the babies I knew I'd be keeping, so you can't 'blame' it on my plans to have my baby adopted.

I think that's another valid point to add to the whole 'adoption runs in the family' saga.  Some people here seem to place blame in that truth.  My mom also had a baby who was adopted 7 or 8 years before I was born.  I think some people would take that tidbit and say "See!!  Sarah's mom gave a baby up, so she must have grown up thinking adoption was okay, or great.  THAT'S why she didn't feel she had to keep her baby."  But to me, it's quite different.  Whether it's nature or nurture, genes from my mom or her just raising me to be a strong woman, I think it was part of my personality to be able to handle giving a baby up for adoption, rather than keeping her in an unhealthy environment (which I'm apalled that some people suggest, in the name of 'family preservation').

I'm not sure if it's accident or purposeful that you used the terms "remaining firm in the thoughts that your baby was someone else's".  That to me, implies that that didn't neccesarily have to be the case, but that I was telling myself that.  It was indeed the case for us.  The truth is the truth, whether I might have told myself otherwise or not.  I honestly believe that the baby I was carrying was made for the couple that adopted her.  I believed it then and still do now.  I guess that's as hard to understand as it is to explain.  But once you decide for whatever reason that you will be giving your baby up for adoption, that's the beginning of the end.  Maybe you could compare it to a fatal illness?  Without as much sadness, because there is happiness for others?  Like a man who is diagnosed with liver cancer (I happen to know one.)- he's having a hard time knowing his days are extremely numbered, and his family is having to know that they have to 'let him go'.  You can't tell me that they are "remaining firm" in that he will soon die.  He WILL die.  It was very similar for me and giving my baby up for adoption.  She WOULD be adopted.  (Okay, there was one loophole- if my ex wouldn't have signed the papers, then I would have kept her, but that's beside the point.)  There really wasn't another option for me.  I knew the entire time I could not keep her.  I also knew deep in my heart that I'd never kill a baby (abortion), although that's what I was pressured to do.  So adoption was what was left.  It's really that simple.  I'm grateful that I happened to find the perfect couple to adopt her.   There was no self-coercion to follow through.   It was hard.  Just as dying of cancer I'm sure is.  But it's how it goes.  To me, adoption is a better scenario of course than cancer, because as I said above, there is happiness for others.  My baby is living a life light years beyond what I would have been able to give her.  She is loved more than life itself by two parents (another thing I was unable to provide).  She is living in a spiritual home (something that was important to me, but I was unable to provide).  The list goes on and on.   There are endless blessings every day for her and her parents that would have instead been a life of hardship had she stayed with me.  I was aware of that when I was pregnant, and that helped carry me through.  

I feel like I've written a novel, so I think I'll stop here.  I hope I've helped~

Answer 5

I think I tried to distance myself from her for the bulk of my pregnancy, even before I made my adoption plan.  I was in a bad situation and did not want to put her thru that sort of insecurity.  I did talk to her occasionally, my daughter was always talking to her, and once I decided on adoption, I pretty much thought of her as someone else's baby.  I still loved her and would have done everything in my power to save her if the pregnancy became threatened, but I knew that she would be in a better situation being raised by someone else.  After her birth, my thoughts did change.  She will always be my daughter.  She will always be M's baby sissy.  She will always be my parents' grandchild.  And even tho she doesn't know these things now, I have peace knowing she is loved and taken care of and eventually all of us will meet again.

Answer 6

Well that's not exactly what i did but it was similar. My story involves incest and rape in my earlier years. So when I got pregnant I didn't want my daughter being raised in the same house as my attackers. I talked to her, played music for her, was generally happy all through my pregnancy so as not to upset her. I had read that your baby feels what you feel so I figured if I showed strength and not tons of sorrow and remorse it would be better for her. I did think of her as someone elses, but I didn't think of myself as an incibator.