What are your thoughts on this comment?

Question

Someone wrote: IMO infertility is nature's way of dictating who should not be parents, and adoption is stealing.

I just think I am tired and will be leaving this forum. How hurtful a thing to say. My God to say infertility is a way to have me not have a child, what is that saying about (in our case, not in all or most cases) the original mother who abused the children before they became ours?

I just think my sensitivities have reached a point and it is hurtful to be on this forum when people say things like that.

Just wanted a chance to thank those who have helped educate me and grow through my process.

Answer 1

I TOTALLY understand what you're saying and that's fine if you want to leave, BUT you can't go through life running away from it just because there are idiots out there who are ridiculously judgemental and ignorant.  That's life.  You will come across idiots for the rest of your life.  It's okay to be sensitive as many people are, but don't let it control you or let other people control you.

Answer 2

That is just awful -- makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm both an adopted child and a birthmom.  I think of my sister, who adopted my first child is an angel for taking her in.  An as an adopted child (twice, in fact) I know for a fact my birthmom nor my first adoptive mom should've been parents.  How about someone's maturity, love and devotion to children as a way of dictating who SHOULD parent?

Answer 3

I hear you. I'm considering a hiatus myself after tonight. I'm sick of people being snotty and shooting off at the keyboard -especially if they didn't actually read the question but just skimmed it for words to be offended by. I've had two Q's removed in less than 24 hours for questions that were carefully worded, referenced and asked in order to LEARN and UNDERSTAND.

I have been slammed by two particular APs on this board who OBVIOUSLY didn't bother to read the questions and CLEARLY didn't understand or WANT to understand them. If people censor the TRUTH and keep their minds closed - as they do here often on Y/A -we will never make adoption what it is meant to be.

**TSK TSK**

Answer 4

that person is a dumb ****...

infertility just means you need help makin babies...

adoption shows your love toward a child whose mother was obviously worthless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...

I think anyone wo has to have fertility or adopts always make the best parents....

Answer 5

That is SO sad and disgusting that someone would say that. It is certainly not true, either!!

Answer 6

Don't waste your brains power getting worked up over it. The person who said that is obviously an ignorant idiot with nothing better to do than stir up trouble.

They probably don't honestly think that, but if they do it's very cold hearted.

Most likely they are trying to ensue this kind of reaction, and hey it worked, you posted on the topic and it's had like 30 replies and counting...

Don't worry about them.

Answer 7

I have heard that comment multiple times in this forum as well, and everytime I do, try to think of those people who say it as inmature and ungrateful for what they have.  Perhaps they will someday understand, but if not, I feel pitty for them and their poor children (if they ever have secondary infertility or their children can't conceive).  

If nature was "right", we wouldn't have children in foster care.  Those parents can have children and can't or won't take care of them.  You can't tell me that nature or god decided "those" should have children they abuse.  It isn't the child's fault they have crappy "natural" parents.  

I have seen both sides, we have had 2 children and have tried for the last 5 years without sucess to have another, so started to foster a few years before we initially though.  I don't believe it is natures way of saying we shouldn't have anymore children, sometimes c**p happens randomly.  I believe it is more like people who have other medical issues (like cancer), we just got unlucky.

Why should anyone listen to all of those who think "nature" rules and are too busy yapping about it to actually become foster parents to help those children who got crappy nature instead of insulting the families who step up when the "natural" parents can't or won't?

Answer 8

Wow that is a horrible thing for anyone to say.  The human body is just that HUMAN and isn't perfect and sometimes people need help becoming parents.  Sometimes God leads them down the path to adoption, some to surrogates and some go with infertility treatments but fertility problems is not how GOD chooses to weed out who shouldn't be parents, that is just a terrible thing to say to someone.  I battled infertility for a few years and I tell you it broke my heart everytime I had to hear "if it was meant to be it will be" I started feeling like maybe I didn't deserve a baby.  Now I have my two boys and another boy on the way and I am glad that i didn't give up just because of how men immature people can be.

Answer 9

I am sorry someone said that to you. It was rude and insensitive and completely untrue. The ability to conceive a child does not mean you are meant to be a parent, regardless of what a select few on this forum think. You can tell by the thumbs down on those answers that don't agree with their particular brand of philosophy that there are more of those types here than needed!

It takes more than the act of making a baby

to make a good parent. Like someone else said, if that were all that was needed, there would be no child abuse by natural parents.

I wish you would stay. There does need a system of checks and balances here, and other voices beside the ones that are so anti-adoption it is sick.

Please stay.

Answer 10

i see nothing has changed around here.  

you know and this is my opinion.  i stopped responding on this forum and have been the better for it.  just happened to be curious tonight and stop by with no intentions of responding.  but saw your post.

i left, went elsewhere and have intelligent conversations with others involved in adoption.  no bickering, no name calling and no more of the he said she said crud.

i stick to the part of this forum where i'm comfortable and happy.  and take my adoption questions and thoughts elsewhere.  

i can't tell you what to do, but i can say i enjoy my time on the comp much more since i've left here.  because when i do stop by here and look at the posts i see nothing has changed.  it's a broken record being played over and over again day after day.  

comments like that are uncalled for.  but some want to respond with grow a thicker skin, but they are allowed to go off and tell you well here's what was said that offended me, and make a list.  yes they are right none of those things should be said.  but this wasn't a post about them it was one about you and this particular horrible comment.  not other ones that offended them.  but in this forum no one is allowed to have another opinion or honest thought.  unless it fits in with what someone else wants to talk about.

what usually is overlooked on yahoo adoptions is the point.  you make a valid point.  this comment has been said time and time again and so have other ones and they shouldn't.  but this post is about a point you are trying to make with this comment not the others.  and it makes me nuts that instead of answering about the comment you are talking about, people have to bring up what bothers them.  and you know that's great, make your own post then.

you have a legitimate complaint and what do you get but toughen up, and then they make it about them.  

there are many other forums where it is equal members of the adoption process.  and let me tell you that name calling and generalized opinions with no factual background are not tolerated by anyone.  they are dealt with and the person offended is not told either take it or go away.

there are places where anger and frustrations can be voiced without making others feel bad.  where adoptees, first mother's and adoptive parents alike can share their voice, concerns and opinions without fear of hateful emails, or nasty comments made toward anyone they feel like.  

you are an intelligent kind person who probably would have a better time elsewhere.  i know i do.  there are many adoption forums that do not operate the way this one does.  

there are actually forums that get a lot accomplished without the middle school antics.

Answer 11

what a horrible thing to say!

Answer 12

WOW. I didn't read that post, but if I had, let me tell you, I would have said something. There are most definitely people on here who say things that are terrible, because they think they are funny. Obviously the people who say things like that have no real life experience. I suppose if that person got inoperable cancer he or she would say that is God's way of weeding out the people who are useless to others ... obviously neither is true but goes with the same logic.

Sorry to hear that you are leaving.

Answer 13

I agree with you.  it was hurtful and unnecessary and obviously the person who said it is pretty uneducated about what people who cannot conceive got through.   All I can say is what comes around goes around...

WIll Smith said it best in one of his songs: "Let God deal with the things they do cause hate in your heart will consume you too"

Answer 14

My dear friend, I have wanted to leave this forum many times but I have decided for the time being to stay, because there has to be people that don't insult over and over- like the one that made this comment obviously did.  First of all infertility does not mean that we should not be parents- and adoption is not stealing.  I am an adopted child and also have 2 adopted children and I can tell you that some biological parents who do have children are not fit parents at all.  Adoption is not stealing a child- I was placed lovingly in the arms of my adoptive parents- I know = because my birth mother wrote me a letter. Also we met our 2 kid's birth moms and we did not steal them either. However, we have to be very careful to not make people think here that all birth mom's abuse their children either.  take care and try and hang in there.

Answer 15

You're way too sensitive.  

The person who wrote that their opinion was "infertility is nature's way ... and adoption is stealing" is mentally ill.  It's like my ex-MIL who stated that a child born with a disability is God's punishment for some sin.  

You need to not allow someone else's mental illness make your decisions for you as to whether or not you contribute to this forum.  

I rarely ask here because there are so many other ways to find the answers to most my questions.  I think most questions here are stupid and asked due to people not taking time to find their own answers.

Many answers here are helpful, but many are rude, crude or totally inappropriate.  

cw

Answer 16

That is someone trying to incite you and others. Do not let that kind of narrow-mindedness hurt you.

If infertility dictated who should not be parents, then all drug addicts, child abusers and pedophiles would be infertile.

I am angry when I read this person's comments and I pray that there are more people in the world like you than like this person.

Adoption is an unselfish and beautiful way to fulfill our own personal desires and extend our love to innocent children who deserve a fair chance in this world.

Stay strong and believe me when I say that this person is probably an abusive or addict parent who had their own child taken away and wants to put down the people who are doing what he or she was unable to with their own child.

Answer 17

You need to grow some thicker skin.

Many get comments slammed at them here and elsewhere.

I've had them my whole life.

'Shut up, be grateful you weren't aborted' - just for starters.

Don't go off in a hissy fit.

Don't make grand exits like too many do here.

Take the heat - or leave.

I think your voice is needed - but I'm really over the dramatic exit by those adoptive parents that think that everyone is against them.

They aren't.

You have just come to a place where the playing field is finally more level - meaning - there are all parts of the adoption spectrum here - not just the 'happy-happy-adoption-is-wonderful' -  which has by far been the strongest view point for so many many years - as others were too scared to speak out.

Your adoptive children need you to hang around.

Again - your voice is needed.

The comment wasn't directed at you personally.

It was directed at those that feel that their needs outweigh everyone else's - and you know that there are many that come here - mostly newbies - that do feel that exact same way about their needs to have a child - even if it's not in the child's best interests.

Take a breather when you need it.

Leave if you must.

Do not take things personally - it's just a little screen - with anonymous people writing stuff on the internet.

I wish you the best - which ever way you decide.

ETA: Fixed a typo above - meant to read -

'Shut up, be grateful you weren't ABORTED'

not

'ADOPTED'.

Sorry.

Answer 18

The comment is rude.  No one deserves infertility.  

I don't think anyone considers your adopting abused foster children 'stealing' children.  That said, I think there ARE adoptions that are like child theft--I'm sure you can think of examples as well.

Leave if you want, but why the grandstanding?  Do you want us to beg you to stay?  Most of us take breaks without announcing it. Sounds like all the giving to your children has made you a little hungry for appreciation.  Welcome to motherhood.

And remember, your kids have put up with more agony in their short lives than you probably have in all your years.  I'm sure you will learn a lot from them.

Good luck.

Answer 19

I'm so sorry. I'm sure you know this statement is just basic stupidity. Yes, I've noticed that there are some really ignorant answers to some very sensitive questions on here. There are forums for people to s***w around, but the Pregnancy and Parenting section especially is not the place to be a jerk.  Those of us who post here are very sensitive, hopeful, scared, anxious and frustrated.  A big hug goes out to you. I wish you the best in your adoption process.

Answer 20

I absolutley agree with you. If anything adoption is wonderful you are doing a helpless child a favor. Its not the childs fault that in most cases there parents are worthless and were being irresponsiable.It always seems to happen that the woman that cant have babys are the ones that want them the most and will give them the best life and then we have these 15 and 16 years old kids having babys and throwing them in the dumpster. Dont let what that idiot said bother you becasue its apparent that they dont have any children

Answer 21

Opedial haven't you figured out yet that people on here have dual identities and their own twisted agenda?

Just ignore them....I do because they are very unhappy people. And are looking to punish all the wrong people.

For people who hate adoption so much they put way too much energy and time here. I actually feel sorry for how sad their lives are to drive them to such unhealthy criticism.

Your parting gift is a wonderful new set of OSTERizer kitchen appliances. They are shinny...oooooooo ahhhh.

Although I do wish you would stay.

Answer 22

There will always be ignorant people who say things like that - they are probably the same people who say disabilties happen because of sins in the past life!  

If you flip that coin around then everyone who is a parent because they were able to conceive must be a wonderful parent!  I don't think so!  

You can't steal if someone has willingly given something up.

Answer 23

I know a good forum for you. Adoptees and first parents are not allowed to post, and the moderator supports and encourages open bigotry against them. You'll get all the positive feedback you want with none of the reality checks. Let me know if you're interested in getting a PM with the link.

Answer 24

ok I'm a good one to answer this.........I'm 48 yrs old. And have always wanted children for ever. I've never been able to have children.Being infertile, to me was someone telling me not to have children. and wheather it was good or bad I'm not sure. But adoption isn't stealing unless you're doing it from an illegal adoption agency.

Adoption is great for some people. It's not like they found themselves pregnant and didn't want their child or children,

The most of the ones that adopt, they can always say, that their kids were wanted.

Answer 25

It was an extreme answer.  It was also hurtful:(   Shake it off.

((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))...

Answer 26

you said you wanted to know what we think?

i think it's accurate.

Answer 27

The person who wrote that obviously has no decorum or morals. Do not let their vulgarity run you off.

Adoption is giving love to a child that would not or could not have received it from their birth parents.

I know people on both sides of the issue and I know those that adopt, go through more tests and trials than any natural parent could conceive of or ever pass. Those that have given their child up, do so for multiple reasons, the most frequent is, they can not care for the child and want their child to have a loving home.

I applaud those that can open their hearts to a child that they do not know for sure will be theirs, because of all the legalities and such that sometimes interfere with the process.

If birth parents had to pay the financial costs and go through the home studies that adoptive parents do, then we would not have so many children abused, thrown away, or neglected.

God Bless you and keep you and your growing family.

Answer 28

Geez, you should link that question so everyone knows who said that- I am a regular here, and very curious

Answer 29

Sorry that you're thinking of leaving. I think some people's "advice" is just a way to have a forum to put others down. We also adopted after infertility, but this comment doesn't bother me  because it just seems so ridiculous. You are exactly right, that  even if you tried to apply this theory you would quickly see that the people blessed with biological children are not necessarily those who are best able to care for them. And those of us who are infertile and chose by "nature" not to be parents are often fantastic parents.

Some of the points of view on this forum really rub me the wrong way,  but when I am here it is because I think there are a lot of people with genuine questions about adoption. I know when we started the process I was quite ignorant and felt very lost. Depending on your reasons for being here I hope you will consider staying too.

Answer 30

I am with you it is a hurtful insensitive hateful thing to say! It is also a load of c**p! I wonder why people who are so against adoption spend so much time on these forums trying to hurt people who just love their kids or want to adopt kids! I am with you I have had about enough!

If people who should not be parents couldn't then there would be no need for the foster care system!

It is a shame that they win, and people who have really questions and answers are no longer going to be on here!

I believe my ability or lack there of to have more children was part of God's great plan! He knew my path to adoption and was leading me all the way, and He even knew the children that I would love even without giving birth to them! Getting over the infertility was hard, but how can I look at my kids and not be grateful for it at the same time?!?!

God Bless you and Good Luck!

Answer 31

Ignorant on both parts of the statement.  Just remember it's the Internet...lots if that going around...