What attachement techniques did you use when adopting an older child? Did you have any trouble?

Question

I ask because we have adopted three children, and I am finding it easier for me to attach to two of the children but more difficult for the third child. I will treat them all the same and work on attachment, but I wonder if anyone else has gone through this.

Thanks!

Answer 1

We adopted a school-age sibling group from Africa (ages 10 and 5 respectively, at the time of adoption.)  Attachment was something we were very concerned about.  In a sense, I think culture was working for us, as the children relished close physical contact: sitting next to us, holding hands, etc.  My daughter wanted me to braid her hair (which didn't work out so well) then she wanted to braid my hair (she's much better at it than I am).  So, because the culture is very "touchy-feely" that helped them form closer attachments to us, I believe.  

We try to do a lot of one-on-one time with the kids. Sometimes, my daughter and I will go do "girl stuff" while the boys go do "boy stuff".  Or I'll do "mother-son" things and my husband will do "father-daughter" things.  I really believe that alone time with one child helps promote bonding, but obviously, it's difficult when there are multiple children in the home!

Good luck!

Answer 2

We adopted 2-siblings and have learned that it has a lot to do with How the child feels--and a little bit to do with personalities...

It has been interesting that the personality of one child is the sweet bat your eyes, and win your attention kind of child...Where as the child with Reaction Attachement Disorder it a damanding--throw a fit--kind of in your face type kid.... So.... as the parent it seems to be easier to Overlook some issues and attach with the child who has a "sweeter" disposition....

It doesn't change our love or desire to bond and attach with each child but it does require us to maintain the same limits with the smile-eye batting child and not expect more from little sassy-pants.... You are right in that How we feel about interacting with our children does have a lot to do with how well that child overcomes attachment issues....

It has been 5 yrs and we have overcome most of our "this kid is hard to bond with" feelings and are able to make equal expectations and standards without showing a favorite or being harder on one....

I think I have spend at least 1,000 hours self-talking to make sure I keep in mind that It is Not her problem if our personalities are not a perfect fit... and to seperate those issues of her attachment from our issues of being pushed away....

Depending on how long the children have been with you--it can be that you are feeling it is difficult to bond with one of the three children because that child is having difficulty attaching with you... In retrospect I believe that most of my own feelings about how I bonded with my daughter were more about the fact that she would not let me in...or trust me...or accept me on a real and honest level....

It has taken a lot of time... and she has other special needs that likely have made her attachment more profound...

There are great--healthy and non controlling ways to help children attach or learn to attach...but, for some children these activities will not help as much as TIME does... And even then sometimes it takes 10 times longer then we could imagine...

After 5 years and some very serious attachment issues... I can say, for the first time I am seeing real and honest signs that she is overcoming RAD--and in turn my feelings are becoming way more bonded to her....because she now feels safe enough to accept it from me....

Feel free to email me.... there is a lot to do with attachment and some things work while others you may hear about seem logical but, in the end are not.... Attachment can include some rather scary ideas and my whole purpose in being on the internet at all is to help advise parents to avoid some forms of attachment therapy that have been promoted mostly over the internet....

Anna

Answer 3

First of all, the problem may not be you.  He/she may have Reactive Attachment Disorder, a VERY serious disorder, which requires specific therapy from a QUALIFIED therapist, and from a parent who has learned the special techniques.  Please check out the symptoms listed for Reactive Attachment Disorder.  Look for a RAD therapist, read some good books on RAD theray in your home, and be prepared for hard work, lots of patience and love and structure.  If it is RAD you will need all the love and commitment you can muster to give this child what he/she needs for healing.  Do not delay, as the earlier the treatment is begun, the better the chances are for success.  A great book is "When Love is Not Enough, by Nancy Thomas.   A good web site is http://www.attachmentdisorder.org/

http://attachment.adoption.com/

http://www.adopting.org/adoptions/attach...

Good luck.  Contact me if you have specific questions or concerns.

Answer 4

I was adopted when I was 7 weeks old.  One of my first conscious memories at about 1.5 year old was thinking of my amom as "that person."  I knew she was the most important person in my life, but I still didn't think of her as mommy.  That amazes me even to this day!

You are fooling yourself if you think children will BOND quickly.  You've got a lifetime ahead of you with those kids.  Slow and steady wins the race.

Edit:  I've read many of your questions/posts and believe that you have your heart in the right place.  As a mom, I often have to stop and ask myself:  What kind of mom do I WANT to be?  What do I need to do to be THAT mom, have THAT kind of relationship with my kids?  Keep your eyes on the goal.  

Maybe you two can find something that both of you just love...butterflies, peanut butter cookies...and search together for the perfect <whatever>.  Searching for some thing together often fosters great camaraderie.