What can I do about my family who does not want me to adopt?

Question

\My wife and I are trying to adopt our second child because having another child bio would be harmful to my wife (medical reasons) We are going through the foster system and my family is not happy about it. My mother has all but said that she will treat the two children differently. I think this is horrible. I will love my kids and I expect my family to do the same. Do you think once the child is here she will react diffrently

Answer 1

If not, cut all ties to her!

Answer 2

Inundate her wih adoption literature!  Education is key.  When I was going through my first adoption, my mom went as far to let me know she "didn't want some adopted kid,she wanted her OWN grandbaby"!  My daughter is now two and her favorite relative is my mom and my mom adores and spoils her too.  Your mom will come around.  Help her understand she is going through a grieving procss, just as you and your wife did when you learned you could not have another biological child.  You may also need to take a firm stance with her and let her know that if her negative attitude continues, you will be forced to make the decision to cut her off completely for the sake of your family.  Just keep the lines of communication open and strategically place a few books in her house.  Good luck.

Answer 3

Your mother is a horribly self-centered person and if you think she's going to come around, let me clue you.  She might pretend, but over the long haul, her opinion is not going to change and your adoptive child will be hurt for it.  I would consider ending much of your relationship with those who are unsupportive.  My Mom grew up with that sort of c**p (she was a step-parent adoption.  She was never accepted by his family and ultimately, he simply cut off all contact with them other than personal visits by himself to his parents.

Answer 4

I don’t know.... for a grandmother to say that.. wow! well, I guess she does not have the same heart as you and your wife do. It is difficult to know if she actually will treat the differently....

Answer 5

Respect the wishes of your family and enjoy your child. It's unfair to bring a child into a family reluctent to welcome him/her. One solution would be to cut off contact, yet that robs your first child of knowing her grandma.

Accept what you have, if you'd like to help more children contribute to family preservation programs.

Answer 6

I can not believe she had the balls to say such a cruel thing to you.  I would tell her that if she treated my children different I would treat her different as well.  How dare she not support your decision and be a fair grandmother.  I am 38 and have an adopted sister who is my sister.  I do not nor have I ever treated her different.  DO not allow your mother to disrespect you or your family.

Answer 7

I hate to tell you this, but we also thought my In Law's would come around and they did not. In response, my husband has restricted their access to ALL our children (we have 2 biological and 1 adopted) and has little contact with them himself. They (my husband and his parents) have always had a strained relationship and this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Yes, it is sad our bio kids will miss out on their grandparents, but on the flip side... are they really missing out when 2 people are so ugly on the inside and hateful. They will gain soo much more from their relationship with their brother, than they would have gained from a relationship with the 2 of them.

My bio kids ADORE their brother. They love him soo much and it hurts them tremendously when someone doesn't feel the same. They don't understand how anyone can not love him, and frankly I don't get it either.

In the end it is my In Law's who are missing out. I have 3 awesome kids. Fortunately they still have many people in their life (including my parents and 5 Great-Grandparents) who love and accept them exactly as they are.

Answer 8

It shouldn't matter what she thinks and if she is really like that and does that then the children don't need to be around her anyways. Foster children really need love and you would be helping a child. Good luck to you and your family

Answer 9

I think that she will definitely react differently. You need to have a serious talk to her about this. Let her know that you are rescuing a child that may never experience having a loving family without you guys!

Answer 10

I sure hope she does. My parents have one adopted grandchild (mine) and one bio (my sister's) and  they treat them the same. My husband's parent's have tons of grandkids and treat them the same too regardless of how they joined our family. I hope she comes around for the sake of your child.

Answer 11

parenting is a noble duty and obligation. Get a legal size of bond paper, divide it into two section and write positive on one section and negative on the other section..On positive write all your good sides as young parents on the negative sides write also your difficulty and/or your irresponsibilities.  Count how many positives you have as how many with the negative ones...if negatives are more than the positives, then I advise you not to go on with you plan to adopt. If it is positive wins then you go as it will be a helpful decision.

Answer 12

*Sigh*

One can only hope she might change her tune.  There seems to be such a negative stigma against giving deserving, foster kids a home the way it is; too bad she is feeding into that by behaving this way.

Good luck; I hope she realizes how foolish she is acting.

Answer 13

she might and if she does then i would not bring the kids around her anymore tell she changes her mind, tough love

Answer 14

Are you willing to cut your mother out of your life if she actually does as she has stated and treats your adopted child differently than your bio-child?

If your answer is YES than a nice but firm sit down explaining your boundaries and consciences out to do the job, if your answer is NO than I do not feel you should continue with your plans. An adopted child is a child and deserves to be loved and treated the same as the other children in the family. If you cannot provide this or are not willing to fight to ensure this than you would not be a suitable adoptive parent.  As for how she act I could only guess the same as anyone here. In reality it matters not how she acts or anyone else only how you and your wife react. That is the most  important thing.

Answer 15

I can't say for sure.  There is a chance she will come around, but you have to be ready for the possibility she doesn't.  Once you commit to taking the child, there is no return clause that says "if my mother doesn't like the child".

In the end, this has to be you and your wife's decision, not your mother's.  You two want another child and this an option available.  If it is important enough to you, then do it with or without the support of your family.

I don't want to be a complete killjoy, I think there is a reasonable chance that she warms up to the child.  I'm just saying you should not make your decision depending on it.

I was adopted myself, but lucky enough to be adopted into a family where everyone was happy with it.  To "Adoptionissadnsick" - you are incorrect.  Adoption is a fine way to add a family member and help a child who can't be raised by it's biological parents.

Answer 16

It's a sad thing but some people do feel this way and never come around. You mentioned that you only see her once a year, go with that. Have your family.  If everyone waited util they could afford kids the human race would have been extinct a long time ago. You have valid reasons not that you need them, but your wife has health issues, I think you should ignore grandma. Sounds like she has deeper issues like control maybe. No offense, just odd that she throws threats. I have threat issues so maybe you shouldn't go by my answer.  Just wondering, who threatened her when she had you and how'd  it work out for her? It's her choice if she wants to deprive herself of the little time she gets with your family.

Answer 17

Don't count on her coming around. I've heard countless stories about adoptees being cut out of wills, etc for obvious reasons.

Why not enjoy the child you have? You know only children are usually very successful in life.

And I'm NOT saying this because I think you should bend to your mother's wishes like some momma's boy. I'm saying this because I'm anti-adoption.

Answer 18

WOW - she sounds very controlling.

If she does cause you and your fam grief - I'd say cut her off - for the adoptees sake - and for your fam - as really - life is too short for that type of thing.

Adoptees can often feel rejection - and if they feel that they are not totally wanted by their family - including extended fam - it can hurt very hard.  Stand up for your adoptee - and tell your mother where to go.

Also be very aware of anyone trying to make the adoptee forever 'grateful' for being 'saved'. Nasty comments can sting badly - just be aware.

Just my 2 cents worth.

Good luck.

Answer 19

ITS none of her business!!! i think it is absolutely wonderful that you and your wife are adopting. there are so many children out there that need parents like the two of you! Its stressful enough  with the process of adopting children,please,don't worry about what other people think!

Answer 20

You are adults.  You should be making your own decisions regarding your own family.  No, I do not think she will change, but I know what I would do.   Tell her that either she does change her attitude, or you will not be seeing much of her in the future.

I know of someone who adopted and the mother acted like that. They let her stay in their lives, and she made a complete mess of the adoptive children by completely ignoring them when it came to birthdays, Christmas, etc.

She would talk to the children born to the couple, but ignored the adopted children.   What do you think became of the adopted children.  They grew up resentful of the grandparents and wanted nothing to do with them.  The household during their upbringing was miserable and angry and there was never any resolution with the mother, because she refused to act any differently.  That is her prerogative, but it is also your choice to let her hurt your children, and leave them with emotional scars because of her behavior.

You have choices to make for your own family, and I trust that you will adopt and give that child the love they will need,  You will be greatly rewarded because that child will love you with all their hearts, and look to you as their parents,  

The most important job in this world is being a parent, a good parent, a loving parent.  If everybody did this the world would be a much better place.

Answer 21

she might but there is no guarantee that she will.  

You will have to be prepared to limit her time and access to both of the children if she is going to treat them differently and let her know what her consequences will be for mistreating the adopted child.  If she realizes how much she has to lose, she may change her tune about the adopted child very quickly.

I'm glad that you have a bigger heart than your mother.  You may want to point that out to her.

Answer 22

What a shame they should feel like that doesn't seem fair to adopt a child under those circumstances but on the other hand why shouldn't you. I would try talking to the social worker they must of encountered this before and see what their experience of this as been and what they think would be the best way to go about it. I was fostered as a child and all my foster parents family were so welcoming and are still very much part of my life now.

Answer 23

Its possible she could change her mind once the child is there. However if your mother refuses to treat your adopted child the same as your biological child. Then I would tell her she can’t be involved in either child’s life.  I have seen a situation where a grandfather favored one step-grandchild over another. It was hard on both boys, the brother whom he liked couldn’t understand why grandpa didn’t like his little brother. Little brother couldn’t understand why grandpa treated him differently then his big brother.  

I think its great you and your wife are adopting and from the foster care system. It may seem hard but sometimes you have to do what is best for your family, and by that I mean your core family, wife and kids. Sadly there are times you have to cut out extended family who are closed minded. Do whats best for the children having your kids be treated differently by grandma is not going to be a positive in either your bio child or adopted child's life.

Answer 24

She may not change her feelings, and if you have to ask complete strangers, you probably already know the answer. You can't force her to love someone she doesn't want to.

The question you need to ask yourself, are you willing to sacrifice your relationship with your mother so you can offer love and support to a child that needs it?

Family counseling with your mother may be in order before the child comes into the family.

Best of luck and I hope your mother does come around.

Answer 25

Ignore them they are being selfish and not very understanding. That second child deserves the same love as the first even though biologically he or she isnt yours. If this is what you and your wife wants them your happiness is what matters no one elses. Would your mother rather ypur wife get pregnant and go forbid she dies just to please them at having a biological grandchild I dont think so . Tell them if they cant agree with you and be happy for you then they dont need to be a part of any of the childrens lives. Good Luck I say go for it!!!!!!

Answer 26

Would you rather have them act fake around the adopted child them, with a smile and a grin. It's hard to make people love sometimes. I would rather my parents act natural around the adopted child.

Answer 27

I hope so, and if she doesnt dont let the children see her.  That is no way to treat a child, blood or not, this will be your child and you will love him or her with all your heart.  And hopefully your mom will see that.  Good Luck.