What can I do about my son's behavior at school? (long q, advice needed!!)?

Question

My son started kindergarten a month ago, he went to preschool (public) before also. I never got compliants about his behavior from his pre-k teachers. They tested both of my sons for Austism because of the problem his brother has, but this son came up negative for anything on the spectrum. Now in kindergarten his teacher is telling me he talks out of turn a lot, gets out of his seat a lot, and needs directions repeated more than usual. At home we go over the 'school rules' every night, and he knows them by memory. Today I got another phone call saying "Your son is the highest level reader in our class, and we are taking children from the kindergartens that can read already, and having them leave the classroom as an advanced group" So I thought finally good news. WRONG! "I think your son's behavior might disrupt the group though, and it'd be better if he stayed in my classroom, BUT my highest level in the classroom is 60 lessons behind the advanced group he may get bored, but I think its in his best interest to learn the rules with me here" So I just said Okay, I will work on the rules with him. I really don't know why he is behaving like this - I think he might be ADHD, and I don't want to 'over-diagnos', but the teacher isn't aloud to tell me if she think he has it. Who can I ask? I am really getting upset, and thinking I am just a bad mom now. My husband is gonna request a meeting with her next week. Who can I ask thats allowed to test my son? What can I do to improve this? :(

Answer 1

This is a difficult situation.  A lot of what you can do will depend on the special education regulations in your state.  I live in Michigan so I can address the situation only from that viewpoint.  As a parent, you can request an evaluation any time you feel your child is experiencing difficulties of any kind.  At least in Michigan, by law, if you request an evaluation than one must be completed within a certain time frame of the request.  I would suggest you go to your building principal about your concerns and ask for what ever tests can be done to be done.  I would let your son's teacher know you are doing this.  When dealing with any type of special needs, it always works best to keep open communication between all involved with your son's education.  Your son will be evaluated by the school district, but it is also helpful to have your doctor give your son a complete physical being sure you tell him/her all of your concerns as well as the teacher's concerns about your son's behavior.  I suggest your husband does not request a separate meeting with anyone unless you are also present.  This can often come across as hostile, especially if you have already spoken with the teacher.  You and your husband need to present a united front and be present at all meetings concerning your son.  If your son is tested and the results give him a specific diagnosis then he will become eligible for special services and he will have an education plan put in place for him (in Michigan it is called an IEP or Individualized Education Program, but every state is different).  Depending on your son's needs, it is unlikely that reminding him of school rules on a daily basis will change his actual behavior at school.  There are many possibilites of causes for your son's behavior and based on his advancement in reading, it is not likely his problem stems from lack of intelligence.  I am sure he can quote nearly word for word the rules, but this will not help him much if he has ADHD or an auditory processing disorder.  I have a degree in education plus my mom was a teacher (K and 1st) for 30 years and my daughter is beginning her 6th years as a teacher (3/4/5 grades).  We are strong on public school education, yet we are all aware that not every teacher is the best for every student.  It is possible that your son and his teacher are not best suited as far as learning styles and personalities.  You will find many educators and administration that are helpful, but you will also find some that don't go out of their way to assist you.  Ultimately, you and your husband need to be your child's best advocate so he gets the education he is entitled to.  It is best to present a united front with both of you as well as express a willingness to cooperate, always stressing the goal of doing what is best for your son.  If it turns out that your son has no diagnosable condition and is not eligible for any special services than you will probably want to meet with your son's teacher with the building principal present and a social worker (if you school has one) to discuss behavioral modification techniques that can be used in the classroom as well as at home.  Start with the principal and work up to the director of Special Education in your school district (call you main administration office to contact him/her) if you need to.  When it comes to special needs, the old saying of the "sqeaky wheel gets the grease" is quite true.  Be persistant but not annoying.  Be involved but not overbearing.  You are not a bad mom, your concern and desire to help your son are proof that you are a good mom.  Try the Bridges For Kids website at http://www.bridges4kids.org/HelpForKids-...  You can click on your state and find resources that may be helpful to you.

Answer 2

Sometimes the problem is not the child at all....sometimes it is the teacher. Just a point to ponder.

My son was the same way. No matter how good my son tried to be the teacher always found something wrong with him. Changing teachers "changed" my sons behavior.

Your sons pediatrician can talk to you and observe your son for ADHD.

Answer 3

ask special education organizations if they can help or treat your son. i'm sorry that you are upset.  

Answer 4

I think the best thing you can do is keep the communication going with his teacher.  Sounds like he is a smart boy, who may be bored.  Tell them you want him in the advanced group, and that it is up to them to provide adequate  supervision.  Don't put too much importance into getting him "tested" for behavioral issues--those people are just looking for kids to put on medications.  He is just a little boy...give him a break, and don't be so stressed out.  Believe in him and yourself, that you know what is best for him.  

Answer 5

All you have to do is send a letter to the school teacher/principal saying that you want him evaluated.  By law, they have to do it at the schools expense.  They will not offer, because it costs them money.  When he is evaluated, you will meet with a social worker, counselor, school psychologist and teacher.  They will test him in different ways to see if he has ADHD or what ever (my daughter has anxiety, depression, add).  Once he is diagnosed, they have to form an IEP (individual educational program) to help suit his needs and give him the best possible education.  Maybe he needs an aid to keep him focused and in class.  My daughter goes to the basic skills room for math and reading because she works better in a small group setting (less anxiety).  The basic skills doesn't mean she is behind, they just teach her at level she can maintain without distraction.  She is an excellent reader. She is on grade level and getting A/Bs.  

Answer 6

Many children have a hard time transitioning from pre-k to kindergarten.It is much more structured than when I went to school. Most schools have eliminated the need for naps and the children don't get to play as much. It is required that the teachers begin many types of lessons such as math and reading that can be intimidating to a child that may not understand the concepts. They also have to sit for longer periods of time.  It is a good thing that you are getting feedback now so you and the school can intervene and help your son.

Your son sounds gifted but may have ADHD. You need to speak with your pediatrician and see if you can have an independent test done on him. Once you get your results back from the independent testing then you will know where to go for him. He may also need to go through testing at the school.  You need to set it up now so this won't be a continuing problem throughout school. If the doctor can find out that he has a learning disability on top of ADHD, he can have an IEP done(at school) that can accommodate him and his lessons as well as behavior modifications. They may be able to change up his schedule so he can enhance his reading skills with more computer software as well as a more advanced set of books. The teachers can also watch him to see what may trigger the behaviors and know when to nip it in the bud before it starts.

Please understand that sometimes memorizing school rules aren't enough, especially if your son may not comprehend what those rules are. You may need to teach him in a different way. Above all, try not to get frustrated and educate yourself about ADHD and learning disabilities in gifted children.

Good luck with everything!

Lori

Answer 7

Wow, you have a topsy turvey world there.  

First of all - before jumping to conclusions or diagnosis... can you observe the classroom?  Is the expectation that each child sits for long periods of time without moving from their seats?  That might be an issue.   It is my understanding that boys learn differently from girls and there is a lot of schools that gear their curriculem to the girls.   I have observed this in my daughter's class room myself.

Also, a month is pretty soon to be expecting a child to be completely adjusted.  In addition, I would have an issue with them 'separating' the other kids.  I understand that they are trying to provide for the needs of all the students but then again, it is also a stigma to NOT be in the advanced class.    And I would also have an issue with them holding him back and not looking at the big picture.  

to Sum up, it sounds like the school is a bit of the trouble and trying to make all the kids round pegs instead of working with differences.  

Answer 8

I would ask for a new multi-factored evaluation to be done. Maybe they can assign him an aide to help with focus and other stuff in the classroom. In my son's case the school psychologist went into the classroom and observed him on various occasions and in multiple situations. I believe that ADD/ADHD is considered a disability and you can have his IEP rewritten or revised to handle it.

feel free to e-mail me for further discussion. I am actually working on getting my almost 3 year old in special preschool and on an IEP

Answer 9

RMS, you can have him tested for ADHD. Your pediatrician will give you 2 evaluation forms for you to fill out and answer questions how your son is at home and one for his teacher to fill out. Your sons doctor will compare the two and determine the cause. You never know, it may end up being the teacher, or your son may just be ADHD, it's ok, my son is ADD, He is well monitored on his meds. He has never had a behavior problem just attention. he is now doing very well and has been on honor roll for 3 years.  

Answer 10

Wow, sounds like you've got a lot going on. First thing I would do is call your family doctor and tell them what's going on, see if you can get an appointment before the meeting. They will be able to tell you where to go for testing for ADHD. I am not a medical proffessional...yet. I'm still in school. I do have a child that has ADHD though and it sounds like that is a possibility. My daughter is 9 and like your son, she also is very advanced. She told me one time that it was hard being in class because she already knew everything they were teaching so it was boring. I bet your son would do good in the group. Maybe he just needs something more challenging, you know? I mean think about it, wouldn't it be boring for us to do 5th grade math again? We already know it, so yes it would. Talk with him and ask him what he thinks. Let him be part of the discussion and decision making. Good Luck, and watch out for that teacher, she sounds like a real......you know. LOL

Answer 11

Personally, I think his behavior problem at school has more to do with the teacher not knowing how to discipline and control her class than it has to do with your son. I would talk with the school head and make it known that you have no problems with him following the rules at home and can't figure out why the teacher can't get him to do the same in school. Perhaps she needs a parenting class for teachers, and I say this seriously. I would suggest sending her to this site to find resources that she can use to better control her class. If she is interested, I can present the seminar at her school for teachers and parents.

http://loveandlogic.com

Answer 12

When my son started Kindergarten he was the same way getting out of his seat talking out of turn just basicly doing anything he wanted to do. His teacher didn't know how to handle him so I went to the school every other day and watched he was fine when I was there but if I wasn't there I would get a call those days I didn't attend.  They gave my son BED label and requested that he needs testing.  As a parent you can't understand what happened because he didn't act like that when he was in pre-K.  My son couldn't stay in a regular school he had to go to an alternative school with this label.  When he got to this other school they told him the rules and what they expect from him. His teacher had a meeting with me and told me my son was not BED. She explained to me what BED  was and told me I need to go and fight for my son to get this label changed.  My son is now DD which is Delayed Disability.  He is in the 2nd grade now and I have no problems with him in this school.  This is his last year and I am working on getting this label off of him also so he can go to another school of my choice.  Now a days these schools and teachers want to put labels on children and give them medicine to help them learn.  But what happens when the medicine wears off what do you do next.  Nobody seems to have that answer.  Trust me you are not a bad mom I thought the same thing what did I do wrong its not you. Your a great mom because you are trying to find a way to deal with your sons problem I commend you on that. So if you want to get him tested do it at your own time and reason don't let anybody infulence you to do so. Request the meeting with the teacher and see what she says you never know what the out come will be. Remember always listen to your children also because I listened to my son and I got great results from it.  My sons teacher told me you have to fight for your children because nobody else will.  I wish you peace and blessings and I hope every thing works out for you.  

Answer 13

I think what's going on is your son is acting like this because his brother is. He may need more one on one time with you or your husband or both. He also might miss being with his brother so he is acting like this so he can be with him. Or he is seeing the special attention his brother is getting and he wants that. Try talking to him about this first. I hope that helps and good luck.

Answer 14

My son went through the diarreah of the mouth stage at school because he was bored he was in the advanced reading and math classes and was in the gifted program.. the school and I worked together to get him things to do while the other kids were still working ( he also had to be the 1st one done with work in class)  his teacher gave him worksheets like word searches or coloring pages just to keep him busy.