What can I do about my step daughter’s and my jealousy?

Question

I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years now. He has an 11 year old daughter that I love very much. At first I had a hard time with dealing with it but with time I have accepted her completely. She also had a hard time with the whole thing at first as well. I am 4 months pregnant now with our first child and it seems like the jealousy is coming back on both sides me and her. My boyfriend tells me that all she wants to do is be by him watching movies and before she wouldn’t pay too much attention to him. She also tries to get his attention every time I am speaking to him on the phone. My boyfriend and I don’t live together and he sees her every other weekend. Now that I am pregnant I feel that I need him with me a lot more than before and sometimes I wish it was me laying next to him watching movies. I feel terrible about this feeling and I want to try and get closer to her because I don’t want her to look at me as the enemy. I am mostly concerned about her and doing something to get her more involved but it’s kind of hard since I don’t live with my boyfriend and she only comes around every other weekend. What can I do?

Answer 1

Well for one, why don't you marry your boyfriend? You've been together long enough. Second, she is probably going through this jealousy phase because she feels like she will be pushed out of the picture once daddy has a new little baby. I would encourage her to be a part of the pregnancy and show that you still care for her and that her dad still cares for her and even though this is happening that it's not going to mean she wont still be daddy's little girl.

Answer 2

I would suggest that both you and your boyfriend make huge efforts to get her involved not only in your pregnancy, but in your relationship.  Work to establish a family; do activities when you're together, and maintain communications when you're apart, either through phone calls, e-mail, text messaging, etc.  She may be feeling like she'll be displaced by the baby, so discuss with her what role she could/would like to play in your new family's life.  The establishment of that sibling bond could go a long way towards smoothing her feathers.  Also stress that she will NOT be pushed out of the family, and how important she is to all of your lives.  Make a list of how wonderful she is, and then tell her.  As far as your jealousy, you need to understand that when it comes to loving children, one never replaces another.  Love is non-judgemental, all-inclusive, and wonderful!

I have a family member who went through a rocky divorce, then met another woman and started a family.  The children from the first marriage were very antagonistic towards the woman and her pregnancy.  But the dad, girlfriend and ex-wife came to an agreement that it would be in the kid's best interest to put up a united front on the beauty and awesomeness of the upcoming baby.  All made sure that the older children were involved in attending sonograms, check-ups and when the baby was born, the older siblings totally fell in love with their new sister.  The little girl adores her parents, and older siblings, and they playfully "fight" over who the baby loves most, and who will carry her, feed her, bathe her and put her to sleep.  They even "fight" over who's room baby sleeps in. Now, a second baby is due next month, and the older siblings are talking about equal share in baby's care.  

I'm not saying that this was easy for them, as there was resentment between the ex-wife and girlfriend.  But they all agreed that despite their personal feelings, giving the babies a solid, loving foundation was the most important issue.  Keep this in mind.  

Good luck!

Answer 3

Get married, move in together, provide a proper family and home life for your child together.  That will also give you much more "me & Him" time that you are craving, thus ending the jealousy on your part and allowing for every other weekend to be able to focus on giving the step daughter attention and love from both of you.

Answer 4

this is one of the down sides of dating men that already have children. honestly, i would try to bond with her as much as you ca. go out to dinner, a movie, talk a little.  

Answer 5

I am also surprised you don't live with him by now, marry not so much... but why are you still living apart?  If she's only around every other weekend, what's the big deal?  

She needs time with her Father, and you get him the rest of the time. Stop acting childish, and begin acting like the Mother you're going to become - talk with her, find out her interests, get her involved in the pregnancy.  She may never accept her 'broken' family - children of a first marriage rarely do.

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Answer 6

First of all, she only comes around every other weekend, so you *do* get time to lay around & watch movies with him, just the two of you.  

Also, the two of them only get this time every other weekend.  You love him.  You know that he loves his daughter.  Aren't you happy for him when he gets to spend time with her?  

How can you get closer to her?  Spend more time with her.  Go over there when she's there.  Act as dad's parenting partner & as an adult who cares about her.  Get to know her as a person, as the child that your boyfriend loves, as the future big sister to your child.  

What you need to do is stop thinking of yourself as a rival to her for her father's affection and, instead, begin seeing yourself as an adult partner to her father, supporting him as he parents her.  

Answer 7

May I ask why you are not living together? and What will change in your relatonship once your baby is born?

Perhaps you need to figure that part out first.  You really have to start thinking about a healthy, normal environment for your child.  Of course that would involve his/her sister but it also involves you and your BF as a couple and that would require you to have a living together arrangement.  In my opinion.

As far as his daughter goes, if you love her already, it should be easy for you to treat her as your own.  Not only for the sake of your relationship with her but for the sake of the relationship between siblings.  Do everything you can to include her.  Maybe take her along on your next dr. appt and let her hear the heart beat, fill her in on every detail of her new brother or sister.

Answer 8

she only gets ever other weekend with him that's not a lot of time maybe you should back off a bit so she can have time with her dad because she does come first you have him everyday when she is with her mom so you do get time with him to relax and watch movies. what do you think is going to happen when the baby is born? and you can involve her more with preparing for the new baby she is going to be a big sister after all. let her help with the nursery and picking outfits do things with her so she doesn't feel left out. but you need to remeber it's not always about you.

Answer 9

you're not married?

You are the adult, behave like one! This is a child, you need to set a good example.

Of course this child is jealous, she doesn't know where she stands in the relationship. She doesn't have stability, that is something VERY important to children.

Talk with boyfriend.

good luck

Answer 10

You've been with him for seven years, and you're pregnant with his child, and you aren't living together? Maybe that's the problem.

Answer 11

you have to except his role to his daughter comes before your needs, I have 4 children and love that my husband takes interest in his childrens lifes, sure there is little time for me, but it comes with the territory.

I cant say get used to it, but you need to find that emotional need somewhere else, not telling you to go to another man, but why do you need him there?

I find I get bored with myself, I go tanning, running, a trip to the drug store. lol. but if I keep busy, it doesnt bother me so much