What can I do now? I’m so upset and hurt?

Question

I have an adorable three months old girl. But I cannot get any support for her and I have no formal education or training beyond high school. I have just started to try look for a job. I’m 23 years old. I was hurt by my ex.

I have been with my ex for about a year and half until I was seven months pregnant then he bailed out of the relationship. Before he bailed out, he was making all big plans such as buying a house of our dream, taking me out to look at new SUV for me and the baby, talking about taking us on vacation, and all kind of things. Then just a couple days before we were suppose to move into the house, he told me he didn’t got the house for us and that he got a penthouse instead and he’s leaving me. He didn’t give any explanation. I was caught by surprise and incredible upset by this whole thing. I end up moved back in with my parents.

I was so upset that it took me a bit before I can try takes him to court. While we were in court, I was shocked to find out he got vasectomy back in 2005. After the court, he came up to me and told me that he just wanted to make me think my life was going great then drop me hard. I was so hurt and mad about this. Yeah I know I didn’t do right thing by cheating on him, but I did it only once and I really regret it ever since that night. I have always felt bad about it but I was sure it was my ex’s child because I used protection with other man but I guess it must have a hole in it. I don’t know where this man is.

I’m also so unhappy about how he would drag me through all this and hurt and surprise me around every corner. Now I feel so unsecure, unconfident, and embarrassed. I also cannot believe how cool and calmly he was through this whole thing and just play with me until the end. I’m also bitter about how court will not take in any account of what he did to me and will not make him help me with anything. This man is twenty five and owns two big arts gallery, one in San Francisco and one in New York. This man has enough to spare just a bit for a couple months to help me get on my feet but they didn’t made him do this. It is going to be hard enough already to try find a job, get a new place, being a mother, and getting my life back together while this guy is just running around having fun and refusing to take any responsibility for hurting me so bad. I’d understand if he just leaves me when it first happened, but he chooses to drag me through the mud and hurt me so badly.

I don’t know what to do any more.

Answer 1

The law will not order child support from someone who is not the child's biological father, unless he had adopted the child.  Since he can prove that his is not the child's father, you are out of luck on getting anything from him unless he changes his mind and voluntarily pays you something.

You can work with child services in your state and attempt to find the child's father, but since it sounds like your basis "one night stand" I would guess you are probably out of luck there are well.

At this point, the best thing to do is apply for welfare on behalf of the baby, but keep looking for a job.  If you really want to change your life and are willing to work hard, you can do it.  

Good luck!

Answer 2

Perhaps he dumped you b/c you cheated on him.

IMO, you did this to yourself.

Answer 3

uh...so you cheated on him, lied to him about paternity, didn't know the guy well enough to know he had a VAS, even after you slept with him, dragged him to court falsly, and want to sue him/want him to pay you?

I think you're lost up the river without a paddle. Time to take some responsibility for your own life and get on with it.

Answer 4

Yes this is a sob story, but you made your bed so now you are laying in it and you don't like it. Looks like you should have been faithful and you wouldn't be in your situation.

He has no legal obligation to you or your child nor any financial one just because he is successful. He did nothing illegal. Yes what he did was mean I will not deny that, but think of the hurt you caused him by trying to pass off another man's baby as his when he knew it was impossible.

It is not his fault that you decided not to gain any education past high school or any job skills. You were 23 when you got pregnant. Most women have already graduated from college by that age so you had plenty of time.

Women all over the country are single mothers doing it on their own and aren't trying to get money from men who have nothing to do with their children.  

Answer 5

While I think your ex may have taken it too far, I don't have any sympathy for you. I do for your child, though, and recommend you find out for sure who the father is. Your ex had a vasectomy, but, although rare, it may not have taken and he could still be fertile. And the person you cheated with used protection, but all the protection in the world is not 100% guaranteed. If these are the two people you slept with around the time of conception, one of them is the father.

Your baby does not need to be punished for your s***w up. You need to stop thinking about just yourself, and think about her. She should be the only that matters right now.

Answer 6

You should be hurt and upset. If i'm reading this correctly, you cheated, got pregnant, and tried to blame your current boyfriend until you found out that he had a vasectomy. Would you have been honest with him if he didn't disclose this information? If he is not the father he shouldn't have to give you a thing!

Answer 7

Oh my god did I read that right? are you nuts? You deserved everything you got. You need to grow up kid. He had 7 months to contemplate on what to do knowing that the baby was not his from the beginning.  You should be ashamed and embarased.  I would not give you anything either.

Answer 8

go to a church and ask for help there is someone to help you pray and you will get answers i did and my prays are now answered go to church really or women shelter and ask good luck

Answer 9

This is a situation of your own making. He's not the father of your child and you weren't married - what does he owe you. Here's your solution - grow up, get an education and do the best you can for your child on your own. YOU are the one who should pay for your foolishness - not anyone else. YOU were wrong - thus man owes you nothing until you get a DNA test. Take some responsibility and work hard and raise your child to make better choices than you have.

Answer 10

What you can do is accept responsibility for your own misdeeds and realize it is not all about you in any more; you now have a child to take care of and that is where your focus should be.  

He screwed you over by emotionally cheating on you and you screwed him over by physically cheating on him, so it is a draw.  I am sure you staying with him after he knew you cheated drug him as much through the mud for all that time as the emotional impact on him pulling up and leaving suddenly did to you.  You need to stop blaming him and focusing on him for everything that happened; you made your own choices that lead you down this path.  

Unless a DNA test can prove that he fathered the child (and vasectomies are not 100% foolproof, get a DNA test), he owes you nothing and you need to get over it that he does and put that negative energy into working hard to make a better life for you and your child.

Once you rule out that guy by a DNA test as not being the biological father, you should make an effort to find the biological father, the man you cheated with to see about pursuing financial support and hopefully he will want to be a part of the child's life for the child's sake.  

You can't change the past, but you need to learn from it so you don't repeat it, then start making an effort to move on with your life.  

There are all sorts of job training programs and financial aid packages to further your education and many have where you can take the majority, if all, of your classes on line.    

Answer 11

You are soooo wrong, you should only be mad at yourself rather than him.  He doesn't trust you and you just used him.  You lied to him then for some unkown reason you feel like he still owes you something.  It's not hard to find a job, even without an education.  go to the nearest burger stand and you will be working tomorrow.  You probably have lost the best man you will ever have.  I'm just thankful that you didn't do this to my son or grandson.

Answer 12

Im sure you cheating on him hurt im more than what he did to you. You lost it all because you were foolish there is nothing you can do about it and he doesnt have to help you at all.  

Answer 13

zero sympathy PERIOD

Answer 14

The only person I feel sorry for here is your child. You cheated on the guy. Did it ever occur to you how hurt HE was when he found out you were pregnant, knowing that he couldn't be the father. While the NICE thing to do would be to help you out, he really owes you NOTHING. You weren't married so there is no legal commitment whatsoever. Quit looking for someone to take care of you and bail you out of this mess YOU got yourself in to.

I really do hope the best for you since you have a baby who depends on you, but the guy owes you NOTHING, so you need to pull yourself together and improve your situation. If you are still living with your parents, try working towards a degree or some technological training while they can help watch the baby.

Good luck... I really mean it.

Answer 15

Why would you think the court should make him help you out? Your child clearly isn't his and just because he may be well off financially doesn't obligate him to give any of his money to you. Especially after you deceived and betrayed him. Now he may have gone a bit to the extreme by being so vengeful, but you can't really blame him for being angry enough to want to do that. You did, in fact, hurt him first. How would you have felt if the shoe was on the other foot? I'd consider this a hard lesson learned, get in touch with your baby's real father, and do what you have to in order to get him to live up to his responsibility to help you out.

Answer 16

he is not worth it you are lucky to get out he sound like a real loser

Answer 17

It seems you should still get some support from him if you were married.

Answer 18

You cheated on him and he wanted revenge..I'm sorry but it happens. I am betting the reason the judge didn't grant you any money was because he doesn't own you anything..you didn't stop a career or education to be with him so theres no way you can say you are in this predicament because of him. He owes you nothing. Go to the state and get aid. They will help you with a lot of things like food, housing, daycare and sometimes education for getting a job...

Answer 19

Obviously the baby is not his therefore he is not legally or ethically obligated to help.  No matter what his financial situation is.

Answer 20

What do you mean you "can't get any support" for your baby?

You moved back in with your parents, and have just started to look for a job at 23 years old.

You have been supported by someone all along.  Now, again, it's your parents supporting you and your girl.  You should at least be thankful for the support you have.

Answer 21

You cheated on him. What did you expect. He did take it farther than I would have. I would have just left you as soon as you had your baby.