What can I do to get closer to my stepkids?

Question

I was only 20 when I married my stepkids' dad. My oldest stepchild is only 9 years younger than me. I made a lot of mistakes, I acted stupid and immature. The kids weren't very nice to me, but I should've acted like a responsible adult. I've grown and learned a lot and I want to repair my relationship with my stepkids. I want them to be a part of my children's ( their siblings) lives. I apologized to them numerous times, they say they are not upset with me, but they don't seem to want to be around me at all. They are teenagers and have a lot of personal issues and I would like to be there for them as a friend. What can I do? I feel so guilty....I know they were very disrespectful to me too, but they were just frustrated because of their parents' divorce, etc.

Answer 1

The street goes both ways, drop the guilt on yourself. You don't deserve it. Stepfamiles are very hard to deal with, trust me. Join a network like steptalk.org - post your question there & I'm positive you will get many responses from people in your situation.  

Answer 2

Respect their anger.  All you can really do is treat them with kindness and respect moving forward.  There is nothing you can do (other than apologize) for your past behavior and you said you already have done that.  Actions speak louder than words.  Don't knock yourself out trying too hard.  They may never get over their issues from the past.  You are not the only issue they have to deal with.  Let them come to you if they want to.  You can't "make" them love you or treat you a certain way.  They may never see you as their "friend" and you have to be prepared to accept that.  If you can agree to a truce and be civil and respectful of one another and treat their father well, they will grow to respect you.  Respect and trust are earned and you didn't get off on the best foot from the sound of things.  It's never too late to do the right thing.  It sounds like you have done a lot of growing up and you truly do care deeply for your step children.  I hope things mend in your family.

Answer 3

i would just back off give them some time and let them come to u  

Answer 4

You are kind of hard on yourself.  The past relationship with the stepkids was negative because of your behavior and also theirs.  You have matured some and apologized and encouraged them to be in the lives of you and their siblings.   I don't know if they have matured any and see their own behavior in a new light and have offered an apology to you...

Teens and young adults are pretty self-absorbed and this is probably not the best time to start trying to create a new bond.   You have apparently sincerely offered to be there for them, and that is all you can do.  The rest is up to them, and I imagine it will take some time and some maturation on their parts before they can recognize the value of what you offer.  Don't expect much from them, don't sit on their doorsteps waiting for them to come around, just be there in their world as a caring adult and maybe a time will come when they choose to turn to you.   You have done your best.  Time will tell how this will work out.  You can't make other people want a relationship with you.  Be happy with who you are now and that you are capable of offerin g them more, even if they can't accept.    

Answer 5

Don't push but let them know that you know you have made mistakes but truly care about them and consider them family.  Attend school and sports activities and volunteer for stuff at school.  Show interest in what they do and say.  They must learn to trust you before they will let themselves get close to you.  

Answer 6

Time is the best remedy for everything. Since you say they don't want to be around you, the best thing to do is the father involved...plan family activities with them that involves him as this will give them an incentive to be there. Don't force them though as they will fight back. Just show them that you truly care for them, talk to them from your heart and ask them to do the same with you. Eventually they will see you for who you are and stop being defiant.