What can I do to get my son back on track ?

Question

My 12 year old son just started Middle school last month.

While he has never been an exceptional student, and has had his fair share of difficulties in elementary school, he was able to turn things around the last two years of elementary and bring his grades up.

He has been diagnosed inattentive type ADD and he has counseling, tutoring,and medication which seemed to really help him the past two years.

Well he put on a good show that he had everything under control for middle school, but recently I have received phone calls from two teachers about missing work and slacking off.

Also my son was hiding failed tests and progress reports from me.

His highest grade in any academic class right now is a C, the rest are D's.

I was very upset to find this out, and I have removed all of his privileges and I am basically policing him everyday to get his work done, I feel like an interrogator as his is not forthcoming with info at all.

Aside from schoolwork issues, he has a pretty lazy,sloppy attitude at home, he has been getting mouthy at times, always tormenting his little brother.

I have caught him looking at p**n on line awhile back despite the parental controls that he got around, so I cannot leave him home alone anymore, so the whole family is basically grounded with him.

He is going through puberty,so now I am finding tissues and lotion and random catalogs in his room. His personal hygiene is bad, I have to tell him every day to do simple things like brush his hair and teeth, wash properly, use deodorant. Everyday I have to tell him these same things over and over.

He is always escaping around the house getting into mischief, making messes, goofing off.

I caught him in the corner letting one of the dogs hump him last night and then he acted all crazy suspicious after saying" I was telling him to get off, that is nasty if your are thinking I was doing anything weird" and that was before I had even said a word about it.

so I am really concerned, I cant seem to reason with him, discipline is not working, the behaviors just continue on and on.

as far as I know he is not having any social problems at school, home life is pretty cushy,who just bought a new home, I work 3 part time jobs, 2 of them from home so I am always available to him, we are always doing fun stuff as a family. his dad is stationed overseas now , so that is part of the problem, as he is tougher than I am with the discipline, though I am very consistant , I guess I am a bit soft at times. I had an abusive childhood, and I do not like to yell or get too mad at my kids.

we have had to cut out sports for now though due to school and work schedules, but normally he plays soccer and wrestles.

I am at a loss as to what to do next ?

I knew the teens would be tough but I didn't think it would start this soon. I feel like I have lost my sweet little boy and I don't understand this new guy at all :(

sorry this is such a long mess of writing, but I am soooo tired and sad about this. what can I do ??

Answer 1

okay sorry i dnt read every thing but i skimmed through it okay well hav some friends on the team to or go to the mountains where no signal is found and hav a family vacation. u will then start to share moments and talk and i suggest dont bring the dog.

Answer 2

Well, I'll be blunt. The sweet little boy is probably gone forever. That may sound harsh, but it is true. He is becoming an adolescent, and his hormones are so high he has difficulty controlling them. It happens to all boys, they just handle it different ways. With ADD, those impulses are probably amplified and more frequent. Something similar happened to me about the same time. Stay on him! You have no reason to feel bad about it. If you do stick with it, some day he will thank you for it. It is your house and he is your responsibility. If your boss at work dropped the payroll in cash on your desk and told you to watch it while he was in a meeting, would you let it out of your sight?

As for the thing with the dog, those same hormones may be making him sexually curious. Not in a perverted sense, but he may just be curious about the mechanics of it. If you see it again, however, I would recommend a psychologist. He may be letting the dog establish dominance over him without realizing it. He may be allowing children at school to dominate him as well. He may need some help becoming assertive.

Answer 3

Looking at p**n and the like, I think is normal at this age.

Yep, it's hard to let go of our little kids, as they grow and do grown up things.

As for not getting tough, or abusive...setting rules, boundaries and following them up is not tough, or abusive, it's actually quite loving.

He is making you crazy and bounce around...there is a really good book called Tough Love Parenting your kids through The Teens. . . or something like that. The title is at home, but it really helps with difficult kids like this. Good luck!

Answer 4

If it were my son I would start to journal all these things that are of concern, be sure to include dates and times. If the behavior continued to be a concern I would take him to a psychiatrist to be evaluated. Some of this stuff is within the boundaries of typical behavior, some of it is a little off, keeping track of it will give you a better perspective on what exactly is happening and how often, plus if you do go to a specialist it will give the doctor a good idea of what he is dealing with.  

Answer 5

I think it's important to try to sort out the normal adolescent behavior (which you may not like, but may not be worth fight over) from the ADD and academic concerns.  Mouthiness, viewing p**n, tormenting little brother, sloppy hygiene, and experimenting with his body are all typical adolescent boy things.  Of course you may need to set limits on some of this so it doesn't get out of hand, but I don't think these are huge worries.  

The school issues would concern me a lot more.  My son had some of the same problems in middle school.  He was extremly disorganized and would often forget to turn in papers, would not do his best work, and of course he didn't want to show us his bad grades either.  I think he was borderline ADD but we never had him tested, as teachers said it seemed within the range of normal boy behaviors.  

We had pretty good success using a daily planner.  He had to record his assignments daily and then get the planner signed by each of his teachers to show that he had recorded them correctly.  He showed it to us when he got home, and we checked to make sure the assignments were done each day and were in his backpack before he went to bed.  We had the plan approved by his school counselor so that he understood this was not just busywork that we made up for him, but it was a legitimate school requirement.  That way he couldn't argue with us about it.  Fortunately, his counselor and teachers were very helpful.

It took some time, but he did learn how to manage his assignments after a while, and we were able to discontinue the teacher signatures.  We still asked him to show us his planner periodically.  As the years went by, he got better and better organizational skills, though he still struggles a little bit even now (he's in college).   He is finally able to finish most of his work, gets good grades, and pays his bills on time.

It may take a while, but there is hope.  Some of this can be outgrown, and some of it will take some effort.  But keep after him.  It's worth it.  

Answer 6

become involved with everything on school. keep an open line of communication with the teacher. have meetings with the teacher with him there and then without him there, talk to him. explain (as i am sure you already have) how important school is. let him see you are involved and that might make him more involved.

hope this helps. i have a 5 year old with ADHD, and I know there is a huge difference in my son and yours, but this is what I am having to do to get him "back in  school" after the summer, and he sees me calling and talking to the tracher and it makes him realize the importance of everything.

Answer 7

I am not trying to freak you out but he sounds like a normal 12 -13 year old.  I know that the grades are frustrating and the s*x stuff is a little disturbing but it sounds like he going through a lot of changes.

At a time when he is starting to become sexual he doesn't have another guy around to talk about it and get the information.  I think the worst thing you could do regarding the s*x issue is make him feel ashamed of it.  Yes, even if he has magazines and catalogs hanging around.  So what if he is masterbating into tissues.  It is probably the best thing he can do, release a little tension.  He needs to be told (by a man that he trusts) that it is normal.  I know you may feel like you should discourage him staring at woman like they are meat but please understand that he is looking at the parts not the woman.  It's just his hormonal instinct.

As for the grades, try taking a different approach.  Be realistic about what you expect him to do.  Not all kids are made to be scholars.  I am not saying that you should let him slide.  I just mean in your own head say "I believe with hard work that he can get a B- average.  That is pretty decent (good enough for state college) and if he makes a C+ average it isn't devastating.  Of course you need to also ask him what he wants.  What does he think of school.  Are people being rude or abusive to him?  Is the ADD getting more intense the harder the work gets?  A kids attitude toward school is the greatest dictator of success hands down.  

That being said it just sounds like he needs a schedule for schoolwork.  Get the teachers to email you homework assignments and projects.  Constantly check his progress.  Get an uncle or his father to have a deep, honest, blunt conversation regarding growing up and s*x and hormones.  As for the hygene try telling him that if he stinks and looks like a mess chicks will make fun of him.  :)