Question:

What can I do to get my son to speak to me again ?

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My son is 18 years old and we have been very close for his whole life.

His father and I divorced when he was 9 but we have all remained friends.

It was not a bad divorce is what I mean. My son came and lived with me until he was 16. Then his father offered him his own wing of a house so needless to say my son decided to move in with him. I also thought it would be good for him to spend some time with his Dad.

The trouble has slowly started over the past two years. I started dating someone that he doesn't like. My son told me it was his job as a son not to like anyone I date, half joking but then again maybe not.

The big blow up happened at the end of May when he was graduating from high school. Let me set up the scene. First of all I was sick so I probably wasn't thinking things out clearly.

I have been through a tremendous amount of stress due to my father's terminal illness etc.

Anyway, graduation day arrives. I was all dressed and ready to go

( even though I was feeling very sick ).

I called my son right before I was leaving the house and I was just checking in on him to see how he was feeling, excitedor nervous and I was going to tell him ( again ) how very proud I was of him.

Then this transpired. I tell him that my now Fiance ( same guy he doesn't like ) will be coming too and driving me because I'm not feeling well. My son then says in a very nasty tone " Whatever but I'm not going to speak to him". I say, " That's not very nice, I don't expect you to be his best buddy but you can at least show him the decency and acknowledge his presents" .

He says no, he wouldn't do it. I tell him that it's not only disrespectful towards my fiance but also to me. My son said he didn't care.

Then before I knew it out of my mouth came " Well , if you don't really care and can't show some respect then I guess it doesn't matter to you if I come to your graduation or not ". He just says " Whatever " and hangs up . I call back to try and reason and he just starts cursing saying " Are you F#%&ing kidding me, your not coming because I won't speak to whats his face " ? I say" yes " and proceed to say that what's his face is the man that I'm going to marry even if he doesn't like it. Remember he's 18 and going off to college.

I tried to tell him that he can't choose who I'm happy with etc. and that he will just have to except it, like it or not.

My fiance has been very kind to him, taken him on vacations and paid for two of his friends to come along. He's bought him gifts for Xmas and his birthday. He still even offered not to go to graduation and that it didn't matter what my son said.

Long story short I didn't go. I feel horrible about it and I'm also very sad I didn't go because it was a day I had been looking forward to for a very long time. I have always been very proud of my son and his accomplishments. He has changed though and not in a positive way.

He's become disrespectful towards me and his father and now my fiance. I've called him several times and written him 3 very heartfelt letters. All to no prevail. He says he will talk to me when he's ready.

My father only has a short time to live and my son is making no effort to even see him. I guess my question is What else can I do ?

I've told him that if I had to do it over again I would have gone to his graduation but I was sick ( literally ) and also tired of the disrespect.

So what do I do from here ? It's hurting me so bad that he has shut me out because we used to be so very close. Now he's off to college and I'm not able to be part of any of it. I'm at a loss.

Any positive input would be appreciated. Thanks and I'm sorry I wrote a novel.

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6 ANSWERS


  1. You're in a tough spot, he is your son, yet he is acting like a jack ***. All you can do is continue to call and check on him and be a mom. Ignore his rants about your new hubby. Your son is in a selfish stage and should be happy that the man you married loves you and treats you well. Now if the new hubby is a punk then your son has every right to treat him badly. It doesn't sound that way. You should have went to the graduation no matter what was said and took your boyfriend with you. You lowered yourself to your sons level and you should have remained calm and adult like and went anyways. So what if he refused to speak to you, at least you would have showed up and shown your son some maturity. Anyways, that's in the past. Now all you can do is keep doing what you have been doing. Invite him to family events and gatherings and continue to call on him. If he says no, big deal, he will grow up sometime and you will have proven that you are mature and will love him no matter how much c**p he causes.

    Right now I am sure he is struggling with the new guy replacing his dad, and on that note himself as the only men in moms life. You're getting married so it is a bit more real than just dating some smuck. Let him come around on his own but, still continue to be a loving and caring mom.

    Good luck


  2. your son is at a very selfish disrespectful age.   i think when he goes off to college and gets a life of his own, he will realize he doesn't have time to control your life any longer.

    you sent him letters to no prevail.  the only thing left is to show up at his house and ask him to speak to you.  if he refuses, keep your cool, tell him you love him and walk away.  keep him in  your life by remembering his birthday, send him care packages at college, send him letters telling you that you love him and don't ever stop being his mom.  eventually, he will contact you.  when he does, don't bring up the past, let it go.  

    by the way, if you pray, do so every day.  

  3. As a Mom of 3 grown children. He, your son, will get over it. The silent treatment is his way of controlling you. You told him your side. Now go take care of you. Be with your Dad. Theres not much time for that. Your son needs to grow up. He did tell you he will when he is ready. It wont be long.  

  4. I'm so sorry! Well I think all you can do is treat him like you would normally & show you still love him. What he said is true, he'll talk to you when he's ready. He still loves you, but this has been a very emotional time for him, because there's a whole new member of the family! Just wait, and God will work miracles. Blessings!

  5. My husband went through a similar thing with his mother.  She also started dating (and later married) a man he can not stand.  Part of that was based on the fact that this man moved in with his mom shortly after the divorce proceedings started, but most of it has to do with the fact that my husband does not think this man is good for his mother.  Both sides feel that the other person or side should have felt differently, made compromises, tried harder to be fair to the other person, etc.  Bottom line is, he will feel the way he feels and there's really not much you can do about it right now.  You have to decide if it's more important for you to be happy with your chosen partner or to let your son dictate your life choices.  If your son doesn't like your fiance for whatever reason, that will probably not change, especially given your son's age.  But you are not going to split with your fiance just because your son doesn't like him, are you?  Your son should not dictate who you get to date and be happy with, but you have to accept he is not going to like it.  It's also possible that if you started dating this man right after your son went to live with his father that your son feels you kicked him out just to be with this guy.  Doesn't matter that it was his choice to live with dad, he may take it that way.

    And at this point, by choosing not to go to graduation, your son may feel  you have made your choice and he was not it.  Respect the fact that he said he'll talk to you when he's ready and don't push it.  Try to understand his feelings on the matter and that you are probably not the only one who feels disrespected.  Hopefully he will be able to be a man, at least as far as his grandfather is concerned.  I am sorry that you are dealing with this, and sorry if what I said didn't give you comfort, I'm just trying to offer some insight into his perspective, having been on that side of things with my husband.

  6. I was going to jump in your face for choosing men over your son.But I have changed my mind.  I am sorry forf your dad's illness.

    Who is more important to you? This is a no brainer. You are divorced.



    You need time for yourself and time for your father. I think you can rebuild your relationship with your son, if you look at things in order of importance. We should not put ourselves first.

    We as women sometimes feel that we are nobody if we do not have a man.  

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