What can I do to get through to my daughter that the new boyfriend she has fallen in love with may be trouble?

Question

My 18 yr old daughter has plunged blindly into what her 21 yr old brother, her father, and I can see is going to end in tears, at best. Her new boyfriend seems to be manipulative and sneaky, and is taking advantage of the situation. She is more than happy to taxi him everywhere and buys him everything he wants. She says that he has paid her back. I hope so. But of course she can't see how he is onto a sweet situation and most likely just using her. We are afraid that at this important time in her life, she is throwing away precious time and money. I suspect that every time a huge bouquet of roses appears, it is an apology for getting angry and yelling at her. She is gentle and kind and I fear he is taking advantage of this. At least I have reason to suspect there is a pattern to his behavior. I don't want to push her away into his arms but am finding this very difficult. I'm thinking now I should make a bigger effort to spend time with him, but don't want this to be seen as my stamp of approval. Have any of you been through a similar situation? How do you empower your daughter/sister/friend to BE IN CONTROL of their emotions and step back to accurately access a situation? Help!

Answer 1

I know you're looking for a different perspective here but take mine into account too.

I'm 23, preparing to move in with my fiance who my mother detests. This after meeting him once and declaring that he wasn't good enough. Now from what you say, I agree that this guy sounds like he's no good.

My mother didn't want to get to know my guy, refused to have him near the house, and this I remind you after only meeting him for a short time.

I will be the first to admit that I 'took his side" and wanted to be with him even more.

I love my fiance more than I can tell you, but I also love my mother. We are now at loggerheads through our own stubbornness, she cannot accept him, for whatever reasons she has, and I am unwilling to leave him.

Please, please don't alienate your daughter by judging this man right away. He does sound like a wrong 'un, but believe me, until your daughter works that out for herself, no amount of advice will change her mind.

Be there for her if and when it all falls apart and remember that she must be able to let live her own life. Good luck.

Answer 2

you must sleep with your daughters boyfriend.  just to teach her a leson

Answer 3

I went through this with my mother, and the more she tried to tell me he was c**p, the more I wanted to be with him. I wanted my mom to be wrong. but she wasn't

Now, at the same time, my grandmother had a different approach. She spoke with me about her feelings and thoughts, but also told me I was an adult to make my own decisions. However, she would always be there for me whether it worked out good or bad, I could always count on being able to talk to her without her judging me or saying, "I told you so".

I listened to my grandmother, but not at first. I got my feelings hurt and thought my world was over. As promised, my grandma was there for me, didnt judge me or tell me so.

What she did do, was repeatedly reminded me of how special of a person I was and what I deserved in life from a man, and not to ever settle for less. To never rely on a man, unless he was like my grandpop, to be strong and never let a man get me weak. She told me I was great, smart, and very beautiful, and never allow a man to ever tell me different or use or abuse me in any way. But the most important thing was that I could always count on her to be there for me. Now as being an adult, I had to make my own decisions and I had to learn from mistakes, but I could always count on her to be there for me.

Thats what your daughter needs from you. Also, play a little detective work. Find out about his ex's and his friends, his job, and what kind of family he comes from. Make sure your assumptions are correct.

I am now a mother of teenagers, and I know, I always think the worse about someone, because that is my baby they are with. I know it's hard to let go of them, but  just like our parents did with us, we have to let them swim further into their own sea. Just have to bite the tongue sometimes and just be there for them when the fall and need to be picked up. We had 18 years to raise them, teach them, and tell them what they can and can not do. Now it is their turn to take what they've been taught and make a choice for themself. Just if things go bad, dont remind her of the negative, just focus on positive things and be there for her. She'll admit you were right.