What can I do to help him?

Question

My partner has major depression, on antidepressants that don't seem to be doing anything for him. To top it all off he has a gambling addiction, and just spent all his pay on the pokies. It's my birthday next week, so now he's feeling so low that he went and blew money he was going to buy my present with (& also pay rent) on gambling. He said he's "Over it all". I'm always there for him because I love him. At first I was upset about my birthday present, but I put it in perspective - he is more important to me than material possesions and I just want him to get better. I don't know what to do to keep him motivated. He is seeing his doctor weekly. Would I be out of line if I wrote a letter to his doctor telling him about the frequency of the bad days, and that he hasn't improved? His doctor originally wanted to admit him to hospital for fear of his wellbeing. What else can I do for him? He goes through the "You're better off without me" phase (which I guess now because of the b'day present thing will make that worse) and I tell him that now isn't the time to make decisions like that - when he gets better, if he still feels that way I'll leave him alone. I'm the only support he has and I love him and would do anything for him. He has a great heart and has looked after me when I've been sick, coming with me to appointments etc. I just want more than anything for him to keep going, and wait for the better days.

Answer 1

It's very hard i know. my ex was depressed and there was nothing you could do really. it sounds like you are in a worse senario though. I think that it would be good if you saw the dr aswell. maybe ask your boyfriend if it's ok. i mean you are just going to be more and more volourable in this as well and it's not healthy for you. maybe on a monthly basis. I didn't myself, but it crossed my mind. (We ended it later-but not because of that!)

If he says things like 'you'd be better off without me' then reply with a 'no, i wont ever leave you - but i need you to see what i see and i want you to go to a hostpital because you are NOT getting better here and I hate seeing you like this and i feel helpless, and i love you' tell him you are more or less into it together and it effects you massively

: ) I hope hhat this helpes a little bit. hugs to you

Answer 2

Hi,

First of all, hats off to you for being a very good support to your partner. Even though he says "You're better off without me", in his heart and mind he does very much need your support. My husband has severe anxiety, OCD and sometimes depression for the past 30 years. We have been married for 15 years and have 2 kids aged 10 and 12. I forced him to go to a psychiatrist 2 years ago and now he is on medications.

There are serious side effects like not able to participate in any social or family events due to the different effects of the medication, and worse of all unable to have s*x. He always says that me and our kids would be better off without him. But their is a purpose to our life. Material happiness and s*x is not the only part of life. I always think that God has chosen me to be his wife so that I can be very understanding and help him with his problems. Thats where true love comes. Won't you feel the same if you are the one who has all the issues. It is all how we look at things.

First of all you have to make sure you are ready to accept his shortcomings. If you are not able to have ups and downs (extremes) on a daily basis, if you cannot be sure if you can cope with this problem for years together (this is not an issue that just goes away after you seek medical help), if you are not certain that you can make some sacrifices (sometimes bigger) for the sake of your partner, you better make up your mind to get separated. I might seem very blunt but I am very seriuos because, this is not something like buying something from a store and if we don't like we may throw it away or exchange it for a better one. This is to deal with someone who has a heart and soul. If you still think you will be able to live with your partner, HATS OFF TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!. The reason why I said this is because, in future if you are not able to commit yourself to help your partner, you might cause severe damages to your partner. Instead if you decide to leave now it will still have the effect, but not as serious as it might be after a few years.

If you do good always good will come to you. Do not worry about anything. Just show your love and care at the same time give him enough space for him to think and feel comfortable. Make sure you make him realise that you'll always be there for him no matter what. By saying this, I do not mean showing by words but by action. One thing you have learn is to be patient. Especially, if he is on medications. Have a thorough understading of the medications he is on. Read a lot about the side effects and how to deal with it. Slowly, try to convince him and accompany him to the doctor visits. Make him understand that you, him and the doctor can work as a team to help him get better soon. Where there is will there is way. With your remarkable support he would be able to reach for the stars sooner than he thinks.

Most of all the people with mental issues need a lot of emotional support. Eventhough they  do not accept this fact, in their heart they will be craving to hear someone to say "I am their for you". So keep going with what you have decided to do. Think about this as a devine mission that God has put you in. You will definitely feel the true happiness. More happiness than that you would feel after winning a million dollar lottery. Good luck!!!!!!!!!  

Once again, thanks for being so nice to your partner. When you said "he is more important to me than material possesions and I just want him to get better" it brought tears in my eyes. What more he needs. It is just your support he needs to make him feel motivated. Do not beleive his words that he does not want you or he wants you to leave. Remember, in his heart he always wants you, but he is just scared that what if you leave suddenly because of his illness. If you truly love him, it is your duty to reassure him that you will be there for him. Please feel free to email me if you need any help. I will be there for you as you are there for him. I can also suggest you if you want, some good books that might help you both.

Answer 3

Well never actully having sufferd from drpression i doubt i will b much help but there is 1 defining thing about me that may have some-thing 2 do with it...All though school i was badly bullied a fertile breeding ground for depression  but nope istead of that i took a driffrint route and now it is so ingrained in me.. What i am trying 2 say is difficult 2 express but this is close enough. " For 1 to be affected by the rabble 1 has to care for the rabble"

In other words "To be affected by depression you have to embrace Depresson!." Proberly get 10k people jumping on me saying i'm taking this 2 lightly BUT i firmly beleave that depression is a self induced problum!!

I learnt a long time ago that the world and it's people r never Fair. True or Just, So why worry????????

Answer 4

If he is depressed take him on a day out!

Answer 5

Hi Tia, you sound like an amazing person and your partner is very lucky to have you. However you cant look after your partner if you're not looking after yourself and get depressed or ill too. You say you're the only support he has and although I know you feel like you dont mind, its a lot of burden for you to be carrying.

I suffer from depression myself and have one friend I particularly trust. I sometimes worry I lean on him too much though, and it makes me happy to see him happy and doing things that he enjoys.  I need his support and am thankful for it but at the same time I dont wish to see him suffer just because I do! So speaking from a perspective of someone who has the same illness I think your partner would feel less like he is better off without you if he sees that the way he is isnt holding you back. He wants to feel like you're his girlfriend, not his carer.

I dont think you would be out of line in advising the dr of details.  Also remember that your partner is an adult and I think with depression, if you're not motivated to help yourself and put the effort in too then no treatment in the world will assist you.

If the option is still open, perhaps you partner going into hospital for a bit isnt such a bad idea? It will give him a proper break and time to evaluate things, and also allow professionals to assess him more clearly.

You could also help your partner by helping him to widen his support network and see if there are any social support groups in your area for people with mental health problems. It would do him the world of good.

Good luck.

Answer 6

I don't think it would be out of line for you to write the Doctor a letter, but if you think he might react badly to that just ask the Doctor not to mention you saying anything to them. Probably the best advice I can give you is when he gets in that "better of without me" mentality simply walk up and give him a hug, you don't even need to say anything.