What can I do to help my 3 year old son transition into new projects with out throwing tantrums?

Question

I have 3 children, they are spread out about 8 to 10 years. My youngest is 3 years old and just started pre-school. He was on a binkie up until about a year ago and because of this I feel it has affected his speach. He is a very smart boy but has trouble expressing himself with words. He will throw tantrums, scream and hit me when he wants something. My husband and I have worked with our son at home reading to him singing, and working on his numbers and ABC'S as we felt if he can express what he wants in words he would not scream and hit for what he wants. We recently put him in pre-schoool hoping this would help his communication skills. We told the teachers there of our struggles with our son. I was told today, by the pre-school teacher that our son has problems transitioning into new projects and that he should only be in pre-school maybe 2 half days instead of 2 full days per week. My husband and I actully feel that our 3 yr old should go more days a week to help him.

Answer 1

I tend to agree with the teacher. I am a preschool teacher of over twenty two years and have seen many children that have a problem transitioning. He might not want to be away from his mom that much yet. Another possibility is that he has found that his tantrums etc. get him the most attention, so you might want to get some professional help with learning how to deal with that at home first. Be sure he has had a complete medical exam also. One thing I have also noticed with an occasional child is that his hearing or eyes need a to be checked and maybe some correction done there. A child can not tell you if he doesn't hear certain things or see as well as they should. I don't say that as a scare and it is a very slim possibility. If you have not already thought of those things it might not hurt to have him checked out. Good luck and hope you find the solution quickly.

Answer 2

I have been in the early childhood field for a bit over 10 years and have found children at age three...especially young 3s still have difficulty with transitions.  Maybe that will give you a little comfort.  I have found that many young 3s first reaction to something not going just right is to yell, scream, cry, and hit others... mainly because they have not been taught appropiate problem solving techniques... this can be for older children as well.  I have also found this more prevalent in families of more than one child.    A general problem solving technique that I have found works with the three year old in my care presently is to walk over to him and quietly and calmly put my hand on his shoulder.  More often than not that gets his attention enough for me to speak with him.  Then I start out with the question... "Is this solving the problem?"  Of course his answer is usually 'no'.  Then I ask if he would like help solving the problem.  Then we go through the situation step by step.  If there are two children involved...which is usually over a toy...I hold the toy and each child is given a chance to tell their side of the story. After each one I rephrase what has been said.  Then I ask the question...what can we do?  More often than not, at this stage, they don't have very many ideas so after a few moments I ask if they would like some suggestions and I give them 2 or 3 suggestions.  They choose one and are usually on their way.  But the point of it was to stop and use your words.  If a child is completely out of control we take a version of a "time out" which could be as simple as holding the child or helping them into a specific chair in another room just to get a hold of themselves. As soon as they are calm enough to discuss I start out with "empathy"...aw...this is difficult, isn't.  Bummer...that didn't work out for you.  And then we continue with the problem solving.  Hope that helps with a way to start teaching him to problem solve...start at home and it will move into the classroom.  You need to be VERY diligent about doing it the first few weeks.  It takes your time...but it is definately worth it in the long run.

Now about school... Consider your child's nap schedule.  My child is 5 years old and still requires a nap in the afternoon.  Most 3 year olds do as well.  If your preschool provides nap time...does he sleep?  Mine doesn't and really...afternoons are pretty difficult.  Tiredness plays a HUGE part in a child's behavior...especially with transitions.  Maybe you should think about doing the half days instead of full days.    I'm not sure what your situation is but can you cut back to 2 half days and progress to full or more half days?  Just a thought for you.  He is only 3 and he'll have at least one more year of preschool before Kindergarten and there is usually a big difference between a 3 year old's development and a 4 year old's development.  Good luck!

Answer 3

How To Make Playdough

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Basic ingredient ratios:

2 cups flour

2 cups warm water

1 cup salt

2 Tablespoons vegetable oil

this is how i just made it it really works but i did not use vegetable oil. let your child pour the stuff in and mix it.

                                      Hope it helps

Answer 4

One of the first things I would do is to contact your local education association and get your son evaluated for any issues that can be resolved. Most of the time these evaluations are free of charge and additional services are also free. If the idea of an evaluation is worrisome, know that it will only help your son...either to receive the help he needs or to let you know he is on target regarding development. As you know, all children develop at different rates and providing help in areas that he is struggling with will only help him succeed. As far as the teachers go, be sure they aren't giving you advice based on what would be easier for THEM. With that in mind, also know they are experienced with children in general and want the educational setting to be a positive one for your son. Still, you know your son best and by getting an evaluation and having "paperwork" to back up your position will only help in terms of coordinating things with the teachers. I know my answer may not include an answer to your problem, but I think the answers need to be given by trained professionals who can meet with your son one-on-one. That said...the fact that you are posting this question means that you want to provide your son with the best environment possible in which he can learn. I wish all parents were as committed to their child's well-being as you are.

Answer 5

First, I agree with the teachers on this - sometimes it is an issue that works itself out with age and maturity and pushing him to more preschool - where he has trouble- only will cause him to become stressed about school.

"More" preschool is great for kids if they are having trouble with milestones, but in this case, I'd agree the less is better.

Second, trouble with transitioning is fairly typical - but common with children that some define as the "Sensitive Child"  - which is a bit of a misnomer because they don't mean in the sense that you might think.  It has to do with the way their nervous system processes information.

Check out  http://www.hsperson.com/pages/child.htm

My son is one of them.  Very very bright - but I've had to really work with him to teach him coping skills.  He certainly doesn't exhibit all the characteristics (he is NOT shy) but enough so that I found the tips in the book very very helpful.

And somtimes being bright will compound the problem - there can be a discrepency between different areas of delveopment that makes things more frustrating for them.

One thing to help with transitions is to give them LOTS of time to adjust to it.  Start with a "10 min. warning" then "5 min" then 2 min, then count down 10-9-...1.  It allows their brain to process and switch gears on their own terms.  Constanly remind them of what's coming, what the routine will be.  "Remember, after .... we are doing ...."  Then ask them, "What are we doing after we ....?" And get him to repeat the routine back to you.

When they tantrum I found that ignoring them, 100% ignoring them, then when they are done saying "Now, please say "I don't want to wear that shirt today."" and when they do, honor their request.  

A lot of time the trantrums are because they feel SO strongly about their POV that they are afraid that words just aren't going to be enough.  They are afraid to take the time to figure out how to say it effectively, so they go to their comfort zone - which is a fit.

Or sometimes they themselves don't understand WHY, they just know the don't want to.

We spent ALL summer having trantrums over wearing dresses with my 3 y.o. daughter - until the very end she was able to finally figure out to communicate that it was the way the waist band seams rubbed her and she didn't like that feeling.  Once I found a style without that seam she was fine.

Answer 6

I've got to say I agree with the teacher - if he's having troubles transitioning, taking it slowly would probably be best.  Throwing him into a situation where he *has* to take on more change is not likely to help him - he's only 3, he doesn't understand the need for coping skills yet.  His world is what it is.

I would try her solution, at least for a few weeks, and see how it goes - after he gets used to being at daycare (and knows that it does have a beginning and an end), he'll likely be more submissive and willing to join in.

Smart/gifted kids often have asynchronous development, especially at the younger ages.  This means that he understands and experiences things at a level that he can't yet express - hence the tantrums.  If this is the case, he honestly doesn't know how to tell you what he's feeling, since it's likely things that aren't developmentally "normal" for his age.  When my son was 4, he curled up in the fetal position at random times for a month - yep, a month straight - because he didn't know who he was going to marry.  Seriously!  Most kids that age are just starting to figure out how to play house, and he was scared stiff because he didn't know who his wife would be 20-30 years down the line.  It was completely irrational, but at 4, there was no way to communicate that to him.  It was real to him, and that's all that mattered (in his mind).

I would also suggest to bring him to a speech pathologist, especially if he has had anything like being prone to ear infections.  Anything that could affect his hearing could also affect his speech, as at that age they learn to speak by listening to others.

After he throws a tantrum, try talking with him - very calmly - about it.  Ask him if he was scared, or frustrated, or confused, but do it in words that he can understand.  Know that he might not be able to tell you what (or why) he was feeling, as he is so young, but the fact that you're asking (and leading him through the thought process little by little) should reassure him somewhat.  Tell him that you know it's hard to talk about feelings sometimes, but that you really want to help him not get upset.

If you can get him to open up to you, you can try things like code words or signals when he gets upset.  If he hits, you can give a code word (or a signal) that means that it's time to sit down for a couple minutes to settle down, and then to try again to use his words.  Praise him for any and all steps he makes with this - please realize that because of his age, and probably the huge gap between emotional and physical development, this can be really, really hard.  

The reason for the outbursts probably don't have much to do with skills levels, but with the gap in emotional and physical levels.  Skills levels are a completely different part of the brain and at that age, won't help much with communication skills (except for signing).  He isn't old enough to connect ABCs with communication yet - they're just the things that make words in the fun picture books.  When he gets upset, he needs something solid - like a code or sign that's agreed on beforehand, and praise - to bring him back to where he can try to communicate.

I do understand what you're going through, believe me :-)  I can tell you that the development gap improves greatly with age.  My son is now 10, and is very adept at expressing himself; at the toddler/preschool age though, wow...I wasn't sure either one of us was going to make it to 10!

You can do it though - you just have to try different things to bridge that gap, and keep it "safe" for him to try different ways to communicate with you.  Just remember to give him the time that he needs, and to praise every single baby step he makes.

Hope that helps :-)