What can I do to help my friends? Mature only Please. Kinda long Sorry?

Question

My friends ( Sara and Stan) are having problems. I have suggested that they see a marriage counselor but I don'tthinkit will happen.

About 4 years ago Sara had an affair with a friends husband. Stan found out about it like a year after it happened. They stayed together and have tried to work it out. For the most part they have done very well I think. Until recently.

She feels that she has lost herself and is just wife and mom. Stan is doing his best to try and understand but it is hard for him. They are not happy they have both said it. Sara wants to go do things alone or with friends. Stan wants her to be happy but is scared due to her past affair. Stan has told me that Sara is acting the same way that she did when she had the affair. Not wanting to show him any affection and not wanting to spend time with him. Sara understands that she was wrong in the past but feels that her husband has not forgiven her for the affair. He has forgiven her but he can not forget. I totally understand. My marriage ended because of the same thing but I was not the one who cheated.

So they are at this place where she wants more freedom and independence and he wants more time together. She feels that being home is spending time together . He says that yes they are together but do not talk or communicate and that just being in the same room is not what he needs. I have suggested that if they were to have separate interests aside from family that maybe they would have more to talk about.

Her thing is all she does is sit at home with the two kids and all he does is work so there is nothing to really talk about. She also says that he is controlling and jealous. He does not see that he is that way and has told her that he will try and work on it. I think that he is doing his best but does not know exactly what she needs. Truth be told I don’t thing she knows what she needs. Sara has talked to me about a separation but know that it will destroy Stan. She is rite today we were all talking about it and Sara jokingly said “if I were to leave even for just a few weeks. Stan would drive himself crazy wanting to know what I was doing and who I was with”. Stan agreed.

I have asked Sara when we are alone if she wants to stay. She says that she is not sure. She said that things have not been good for a while. That she is scared that if she stays that they might get better for a while but then go back to how they are. Because this is what’s always happened in the past. She has also told me that she does not see how it can work because they want very different things. But that she is giving it her best effort.

Sara has also said to me that she thinks that he is only trying because he does not want her to leave. Not because he really wants to change. I agree with her and have told her that they seem to be at an impasse. I don’t know how much of this really has to do with the affair except Stan’s fear that she will do it again. I know that there were problem before the affair and that why Sara says she cheated. Not that it makes it rite. I just really wish that I could offer them some more advice. I know that this is their problem to work out not mine. I just love them both and do not want to see anyone hurt more than necessary. Also I am sure that by now some of you are thinning why are they talking about it with me and not each other or why are they talking about this kind of stuff when I am around or anyone for that matter. I asked the same question. They both told me that it was easier to talk when I am there because it usually does not turn into a fight .And that if one of them is not answering the others questions with a real answer that I will say something or give my opinion and it helps them to open up. I have no problem doing this for them I am glad to help in anyway I can. Has anyone ever experienced this? Have any of you ever worked this kind of thing out? They have been togeather for over 10 years. Since they were both teenagers. Could that be part of the problem?

Answer 1

When you say they are at an impasse, I agree. Helping your friends is very commendable but be careful. I would hate for all your support to backfire. Don't come right out and suggest anything as to avoid blame.

Anyway, I can understand your friend's position. I, too, am not happy with my marriage (the infidelity is on his part) and have chose to give myself a chance. I have decided to get all our financial affairs in order (basically getting out of bad debt) by the end of the year. If after that I am still feeling the same way I am going to tell him I want a divorce. Please don't misunderstand, money is not the root of our problems but if I am making a major change in my life then out of debt is the way to go for both of us. I also want ot make sure I am know that divorce is what I want.

I hope, in some way, I've helped.

Good Luck!

Answer 2

There is no simple fix for this sort of problem. I can see that you are a caring and concerned friend but the issues probably run deep and in the end only they can resolve any issues.

I can understand why he would have a problem with trusting her fully, as much as he would want to. Trust is a fragile element and once broken it can be beyond repair. But not being trusted can be difficult too.

This is a very complex problem and I would suspect that there were issues before the affair which obviously remain unresolved.

Maybe he loves her more than is reciprocated and this creates a tension to begin with. Maybe she feels trapped and that her life is on hold.

Without knowing them it is difficult to understand what the issues really are.

I agree with you that they should have interests apart from one another, this can be healthy in a relationship but is not always the solution to deeper and more fundamental problems. It may help though.

He needs to trust her and she needs to feel trusted but that may be impossible now. Maybe they do need time out but if that would make him feel even more suspicious then it would create more unresolved issues and deepen the hurt.

I can't give you the answers but it seems that they need a third party to help the communication process. If that is what you can offer then hang in there. I would suspect, however, that it may be wise for them to get some professional help if they truly want to find a solution in the end. You can only do so much and it obviously causes you hurt too.

Hope this helps a little.

Answer 3

First I have to say that you are a great friend for helping them like that. It is not easy and it must be taking a lot of energy. I have been doing similar things in the past for my friends and I too was in a situation like that before.

There is bad news. I don't think that these two will be able to work it out so easily. What is needed for them to get some perspective is to break. They should live in separate houses and lead separate lives. Now, I am not saying that they should split or divorce. Maybe a break will give them the time and space that they both seem to need. Marriages are having this kind of dead end sometimes and the relationship seems to be in a critical stage. By sticking on each other nobody is able to breath and things only get worst.

Since children are involved, a little more sensitivity needs to be practiced. Kids should not be exposed to an environment of mistrust, jealousy, anger and frustration. It will leave marks on their minds.

Therefore it is definitely better if they both part of some time and concentrate on their own life for a while. Than they can start working on their relationship again. Stan can start courting his wife again and they both can see on how to repair their relationship. Forcing things will not help anybody. Sara clearly wants some space and Stan is not wanting to give it. This is only a recipe for disaster. If Sara gets the time and space for her own thoughts she might find herself missing Stan and wanting him back. Stan could also use a little space to get some perspective.

She might have cheated in the past but that does not mean that she will do it again. Trust is crucial. Even is she was to cheat him again, there is really nothing that he can do about it. If she is bound to it she will.

Time is needed for both of them and also a time out for the children. They too will be able to focus more on their parents if they are not living in such a poisonous atmosphere.

Once more, they need a separation of space for some time. Than only will they be able to know what they want. You should definitely stick with them and keep on being a mediator. By having you, they are both getting the reassurance that they need and that they cannot get from each other. So you see, you are already having an important part in their life and what is best, they are willing to work on their problems.

Good luck to them and good luck to you too.