What can I do to help my friends?Matuer only Please. Kinda long Sorry?

Question

My friends (Sara and Stan) are having problems. I have suggested that they see a marriage counselor but I don’t think it will ever happen so here I am.

About 4 years ago Sara had an affair with a friends husband. Stan found out about it like a year after it happened. They stayed together and have tried to work it out. For the most part they have done very well I think. Until recently.

She feels that she has lost herself and is just wife and mom. Stan is doing his best to try and understand but it is hard for him. They are not happy they have both said it. Sara wants to go do things alone or with friends. Stan wants her to be happy but is scared due to her past affair. Stan has told me that Sara is acting the same way that she did when she had the affair. Not wanting to show him any affection and not wanting to spend time with him. Sara understands that she was wrong in the past but feels that her husband has not forgiven her for the affair. He has forgiven her but he can not forget. I totally understand. My marriage ended because of the same thing but I was not the one who cheated.

So they are at this place where she wants more freedom and independence and he wants more time together. She feels that being home is spending time together . He says that yes they are together but do not talk or communicate and that just being in the same room is not what he needs. I have suggested that if they were to have separate interests aside from family that maybe they would have more to talk about.

Her thing is all she does is sit at home with the two kids and all he does is work so there is nothing to really talk about. She also says that he is controlling and jealous. He does not see that he is that way and has told her that he will try and work on it. I think that he is doing his best but does not know exactly what she needs. Truth be told I don’t thing she knows what she needs. Sara has talked to me about a separation but know that it will destroy Stan. She is rite today we were all talking about it and Sara jokingly said “if I were to leave even for just a few weeks. Stan would drive himself crazy wanting to know what I was doing and who I was with”. Stan agreed.

I have asked Sara when we are alone if she wants to stay. She says that she is not sure. She said that things have not been good for a while. That she is scared that if she stays that they might get better for a while but then go back to how they are. Because this is what’s always happened in the past. She has also told me that she does not see how it can work because they want very different things. But that she is giving it her best effort.

Sara has also said to me that she thinks that he is only trying because he does not want her to leave. Not because he really wants to change. I agree with her and have told her that they seem to be at an impasse. I don’t know how much of this really has to do with the affair except Stan’s fear that she will do it again. I know that there were problem before the affair and that why Sara says she cheated. Not that it makes it rite. I just really wish that I could offer them some more advice. I know that this is their problem to work out not mine. I just love them both and do not want to see anyone hurt more than necessary. Also I am sure that by now some of you are thinking why are they talking about it with me and not each other or why are they talking about this kind of stuff when I am around or anyone for that matter. I asked the same question. They both told me that it was easier to talk when I am there because it usually does not turn into a fight .And that if one of them is not answering the others questions with a real answer that I will say something or give my opinion and it helps them to open up. I have no problem doing this for them I am glad to help in anyway I can. Has anyone ever experienced this? Have any of you ever worked this kind of thing out? They have been togeather for over 10 years. Since they were teenagers. Could this be part of the problem?

Answer 1

This is a very common problem which surfaces once the couple have been with each other for sometime. This usually arises because one or both looks forward to having some fun in their life and when that fun can't be derived from their partner they look outside. This is the reason why sara had an affair.

Just like the differences that emerged and became bigger over a period of time so the solution to this also has to be implemented over a period of time.

Firstly they have to establish if they really want to make this work or not and it can't b only from one person. Sara and Stan both have to agree and give their commitment to make his work. If Sara is doubthful on what she wants then she has to be first convinced and you being a good friend can also do this convincing.

Secondly, they have to spice their lives.. There are multiple ways to doing this. They can join an activity together, like a salsa dance class which would give them the opportunity to be together. GO to Gym together or any other activity which they like. This would give them time to be together and a reason to talk and discuss things other than their routine life.

Once they start doing these things, Stan has to give her the confidence that he really trusts her and he has long forgiven her. This has to be shown and not said. Words dont say as much as actions do.

Also have few gettogethers with friends where they can get to meet other people. Little flirting is always good.

This should help and always remember, the relationship would not ake a U turn overnight. They have to be patient and give this time. This would only happen if they want it.

Answer 2

Hi  there, I would suggest that you stop being the intermediary between them, in the end you will lose the closeness you have with both and It will make you look like the one who is causing their problems, even though you aren,t. yes being together from such a young age is alot of their problems. And yes i know this from experience. They did not make plans or develop a good friend ship.They set no goals nor did they sit back and see who the other person really is. They need to think things out on a very realistic basis! They are not children any more.