What can I do to make my mother have a positive outlook on...

Question

My 28 year old sister has a 10 year old Bipolar son. They moved from Utah to Georgia [where myself and my mother lives] to get both of their lives straightened out. They are both on medication for Bipolar.

Though the problem with my nephew is a lot more than just Bipolar disorder. My mother, his mother, my grandma and aunt do not discipline him. They don't tell him no. If he whines enough he'll get what he wants no matter what the expense. Though he listens to me because I have and I will tell him no. I have disciplined him before. Whenever he doesn't listen to my mom, she'll always threaten him with "Don't make me go and get Sara!" and he'll sit down and shut up. I'm only in my teens, too.

He comes over to our house every morning to catch the bus for school. He always asks if he can play one of his video games, but I ground him from playing them at our house if he doesn't pick up after himself when he's finished playing.

Recently he didn't pick up his things, so I grounded him from playing his video game for the next 3 days he visits us. Earlier this morning, my mom asked me if he could play and I told her no. Everytime I try to tell him no or her no to something he's doing, she'll get mad at me and throw a fit but will soon get over it.

How can I explain to her that I'm only trying to give him something that he NEEDS? I don't want her to get mad at me all the time just because she OR his mom doesn't give him the discipline he needs, it's ridiculous. She's my mother and I'm acting more mature than she is.

Any help is appreciated, thanks. :)

Answer 1

It looks like you are in a bit of an unfair situation here.  It isn't your job to parent your nephew but clearly you are being put in the position of a parent.  I wish I had a magic answer for you that would make everything turn out right but I don't.  

It isn't in your capacity to change anything about your mom.  You cannot change her attitude or her behavior no matter what you say or do.  You can tell her how you feel, preferably using "I" messages . . . I feel:  ( frustrated, sad etc . . . ) and then follow that up by telling her what you want.  I want:  (to feel like I can set limits with my nephew without disappointing you etc . . .)  

Either she will listen and respect your feelings and wishes or she won't.  You can only say how you feel and what you want.  She will decide whether or not to be offended and whether or not to listen.  

Good luck, I hope things get better.

Answer 2

First I want to say "CONGRATULATIONS":  You are doing the right

thing.  Sometime life gives us c**p; we have to be smart enough to

handle it the way it should be handled.

Your Mother needs you to be the heavy in this case, you sister needs

it too.  Your Nephew also need it.  I KNOW YOU DON'T.

This is one of those cases where; "As long as you live in the house

you will have to be the authority figure".  It is a bad can of worms

but everyone will be better off fishing if you do what you are doing.

Answer 3

Some people take the path of least resistance. It's easier to just give in to keep the peace, but it does nothing for long term improvement.

The reason he listens to you is obviously because you've set up boundaries where others haven't and remained consistent. On the flipside you have to learn to pick and choose your battles fairly and make sure your interaction has more to do than just discipline, there needs to be some positive interaction, too.  There are some things that you'll have to leave up to his mother to handle rather you disagree or not because when it comes down to it he's not your child.

All you can do is lead by example and don't let the disputes with your mother or his mother concerning his care occur in front of him because it sends him mixed signals. He needs to know that the authority around him is a united front and that he won't get his way if he challenges it enough times.