What can I say to another parent when thier child in being mean to my child?

Question

My 10 year old has been at a new school for 7 months and still can't fit in. Even with his hockey mates. He is louder than the others and has a strong personality but would never be mean to anyone, yet they won't play with him and are often rude and tell him to go away. How can I help him? Do I talk to the parents, who have now made thier opinion of him as being bad? Just today he went over to a classmates home and 4 others from his hockey team were there playing. He was promptly told by one of the boys to go away. He came home in tears and wants to move. He can't take it anymore. These children have grown up together and he is the outsider and just can't get them to let him in their circle of friendship. Small incidents of typical 10 year old boy behaviour has now been blown so out of proportion that a couple of parents have made it even more difficult for him because he has been labelled without a trial. He may be loud but he is nice and tries so hard to fit in.

Answer 1

Ok, I teach 10 year olds every day, so I have a little insight.

I want to say up fornt this age group is very welcoming to anyone new, in fact the new kid in class is often one of the most popular.  However, once you burn them they are not very willing to forgive.  To be honest, it is almost impossible for me to believe your son is innocent in all this.  You ar his mom so it is natural to take his side, however you have to keep in mind you only get half of a story when he comes home.  My advice is for your son to invite one of the kids over to play a few times.  Once he can work with one of them he will fit in the group. Maybe your son could find out what the problem isand what happened to make the kids dislike him, and apologize.  I would hope the kids would apologize for their poor behavior too.  The teacher might be able to egg this on without bringing up you mentioning it since she probably sees the behavior.  My point is not that your son is wrong, buit only that there are 2 sides to every story and they all are probabably in the wrong.  As a teacher it is frustrating when a parent is not willing to see the problem in their child, but then expect me to work miracles by having the other kids "be nice".  More often than not the blind parents' children are often the bigger problem.

Answer 2

it sounds like you are defending your son, which is normal, but sometimes he will have to change his behavior to fit in. encourage him to try new friends (these hockey boys can't be the only ones in his class). he needs to find friends that will not ostracize him. maybe he is looking to the wrong crowd to make friends. again, encourage him to make new friends outside of hockey. maybe joining another club at school will net him new friends... that's hard to watch when you are the parent, but you need to encourage him, not talk to the otehr parents. this will ostracize him even more!

Answer 3

I think that we would need a lil more backstory on your child and the others interactions to say if the other parents have a leg to stand on.  You mentioned labelled with out trial, what does that mean?  Talk to him about finding new people to hang out with, even if they are not the "cool kids" at least they won't be rude.  Why was he invited to play with kids that he doesn't get along with?  I would talk to the parents in a non confrontational way about it.  Do not accuse their children of anything as they will be defensive, feeling the need to protect their child as you do, and this kind of communication will get you nowhere.  Just mention that your son wasupset about his time with the other children and ask if the parent noticed anything relating to the childrens behavior toward one another.

Answer 4

Thats hard Um you should Invite the kids parent to your place for lunch And start a small conversation  and just say that her kid is kind of being mean to your kid or Just give it time

Answer 5

Ahh, moving to small town america! I can certainly relate. We moved back to my husband's "home" town when our oldest daughter was 16 months old. My late MIL used to say she had no idea how long you had to live here to be considered a non-transplant, they'd moved over 30 years prior and were still considered outsiders! Almost all of my friends are transplants.  

As for our kids, we have 3 daughters (one is 10 right now) and I have seen first hand many times what it's like when the new boys and girls move here. Ouch. Lucky the child that is attractive, athletic, has nice clothes, whose family is "accepted in the right" church or has an "established" relative in the county. Other than that and even with some of those traits, school and finding friends can be a difficult expirience. The parents, as you've found, can be as hurtful as the kids.

My suggestion runs along the lines of seeing if you can get him to find another friend who has moved into the area at some point or befriend a child at church (if you attend) that's in his grade at school.

Have to disagree with the teacher. My 2 best friends are  teachers and mothers of 2 and 3 and the new kid in this type of small town setting is usually not the most popular unless certain unspoken guidelines are met, either by the child or his parents. We've taught our girls to be friendly and accepting to everyone, especially the new children. They've taken some flack for it too. Oh, well, it's the right thing to do.

It absolutely cracks me up that our area of the country has had an influx of hispanic people move here and the "locals" are flipping out! I will say, though, that as a school volunteer, these kids are much more polite and hardworking than the "native" kids.

Good luck with your son, he'll find his place. Just be there for him to talk to and let him vent, also, don't try too hard to fix things for him. He's got to begin to figure some things out by himself.

Finally, if he loves hockey, let him play but stay away from the kids after the game if at all possible. They and their parents are the "we have all the friends we'll ever need and don't want to consider anyone else" types. Seen those! Let them be in their happy little circle. There are plenty of other people to be friends with, both for you and your son.