What can an adoptive parent do to help their child with "adoption issues" that may arise in their children?

Question

Seeing that there are so many adoptees in this forum, I think I could really learn alot. I know some are for and some are against adoption... and both sides are legit... please let me know what I should be prepared for as an adoptive parent and how I could be there for my son when he is older... he is three now.

Answer 1

We have adopted six children over the years.....you need to be prepared for several things 1) family attitudes and friends attitudes  2) special needs the child may have even if you haven't been told of any   3) emotional needs of child as he gets older 4)willingness to agree to adoption search at a certain age (we said 19).

Answer 2

You've already gotten so many good answers.  However one point that I don't see mentioned is that adoption and its issues will be part of his entire life.  You don't "get over" being adopted, ever.  Certain things, certain life events will be triggers...some predictable, others unexpected.  His thoughts about adoption will mature as he does.

Answer 3

Okay awesome question! I hope you dont mind me answering from experiance with questions i had about my adoption.

I was adopted at four, which is pretty hard because of the memories. Growing up the main issue was anger toward my biological parents for just "giving" me away. Obviously i was not just "given " away. I was unplanned and they wanted to offer me a chance at something they could not offer me.....success in life!

I remember wanting so badly to meet them and see who they were and where i came from. After being given that chance. I regret it emensly. My birth parents are divorced for the third time(with each other) i have four 1/2 brothers and sisters i will never know. and step whatsits from here to kingdom come.

My FAMILY is my adoptive parents.

The name Mom is earned, not just given. My "real" mom adopted me, and spent years and years helping me grow into who i am today. Married with more cows than i know what to do with and a lovely house.

Always be willing to just sit and listen. I had so many random thoughts that just needed to be let out, and my parents were there, just to listen. Lots of times the feeling of being unwanted is an issue. If i needed a shoulder I had four to run to. (my parents left and right ones)

The most important thing to remember is that you are saving a life! If you are never told that you are your childs hero, well, you are mine! My life was saved and that is exactly what adoption is. No way around it. Thank you for your son who may not have said it or may never say it! Thank you thank you thank you!

Gracie

Answer 4

As someone adopted, I wish my parents would have talked more about it with me as a child . They just told me I was adopted, and that was it.  They never asked me about my feelings.  Whenever I'd ask a question about my birthparents, the only answer my mom could give me was "I don't know.  They never told us that."  A lot of times other people would ask my parents how I felt about being adopted.  They would just reply, "It doesn't bother her."  I wish they would have been more open of my feelings and talked to me more about it.  I think talking about it honesty is the best.

Answer 5

As long as you open and honest things will turn out fine. Anything you can learn about his heritage and learn with him would be an advantage. It would be a binding thing for you both to. Good luck.  :)

Answer 6

i  would tell him early in ways he can understand that he is adopted     that you chose him special  from all the other babies    and be honest  as  the age  level allows

my sister did not do this and  paid for it later

Answer 7

I don't know what else I could really add, but there is an informative site with an adoptee friend of mine who is also an adoptive parent who co-runs it. You can find it here:

http://informedadoptions.com

they are adoptive parents and they "GET IT" ALOT more than the average adoptive parent.

Answer 8

Being open to discussing adoption with him is probably the biggest thing.  (It may be like discussions of s*x.  You can't always wait for the child to bring it up.  You're the adult.  He will take his cues from you.  If you're comfortable talking about it with him, he will be comfortable asking questions when he has them.)

The other thing I would suggest would be to do some reading.  As I'm sure others would point out, not every adoptee reports experiencing the same things relative to their adoption.  But there are certainly patterns of issues that come up enough to warrant being informed.  Educate yourself on the pitfalls of adoption.  Don't be scared by this.  Don't assume the worst.  But if you aren't aware of the possible problems, you can't recognize early signs of issues arising.  

Some suggested reading:

"Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self" by Brodzinsky, Schecter, and Henig

"Birthright" by Jean A. S. Strauss

"The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier

"Journey of the Adopted Self" by Betty Jean Lifton

I hope that's helpful.  Good luck to both of you!

Answer 9

It is NOT an admission of failure to seek help from professionals. If you see problems, seek out help. Earlier is better than later, but check out the credentials.

Try to find children with your son's heritage or at least children of color with whom he may interact. It's even better if these children are adopted.

Answer 10

I have a few adopted siblings, and we have had them since they were babies and when they were about about seven they were asking questions and stuff so my mom explained adoption to the like this she said that you came from another moms tummy but I have always been your mom.

Answer 11

I'm not an adoptee, I'm a PAP.  I hope I'm not stepping on any toes.  What seems to me to be the #1 most important thing I can do is take care of mySELF.  My feelings belong to me, my body belongs to me, and it's my responsibility to take care of those things.  In other words, if I were infertile (which I'm not, that I know of), then it would be my responsibility to grieve that loss and move on; my adopted child is not a replacement for what I couldn't do on my own.  My child is not there to fulfill me, or to do ANY kind of "job".  My child's job is to take care of HIS own body, and HIS own feelings...not mine.

Sorry that was a bit long-winded.  I'm sure you're already doing that, I just wanted to throw it out there.  :-)

Answer 12

A lot of great suggestions already.

I'd add - to read adoptee blogs - as they're the ones that have lived it -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

And always keep learning and reading.

Many different things will come up as your wee adoptee grows through various stages of his life.

Also - if you can - try to make contact with any bio family - and try to visit his homeland. Links like that will be priceless to your child.

Above all - be truthful and honest - and if you don't know - say so - don't make something up - that he could one day find out is false - instead - try to help him find the truth - together.

Answer 13

I was adopted myself the one thing that will be important is to stay connected with that child. do not make him fell like you are rejecting him and make sure you explain your actions to him that he may not understand.

later in life he may ask questions in regards to his real parents give him a straight answer and don't be scared to answer what ever question may come up about his family. Even if you are trying to protect him.

be sure you let him make friends and stay connected with them that may be a big one as he gets older. if the child has different color skin then you and your family that will be another issue in it self.

Just be a loving mother that is always there for him when he needs you good times and bad. Oh didn't ever bring that he was a bad child that is why he was not wanted or anything that would trigger him to fell like that. That happened to me and it is not a good felling to have to grow up believing that

be sure you let him make friends and stay connected with them that may be a biggy as he gets older. if the child has different color skin then you and your family that will be another issue in it self.

Just be a loving mother that is always there for him when he needs you good times and bad. Oh dodnt ever bring that he was a bad child that is why he was not wanted or anything that would trigger him to fell like that.(That happened to me and it is not a good felling to have to grow up believing that)

Answer 14

BEEEE Honest. Learn what you can about everything that pertains to him. Is you adoption opened or closed? Learn medical history, ancestory, reasons for relenquishment, what's going on with legislation as far as open records. Fight for his rights. Be willing to help him find his natural family. Be ready for what ever relationship he has with them. Be the supportive loving nurturing parent every nparent hopes their child gets.

Answer 15

Support your son in his differences.  Many adoptees feel that they are being forced to be what they are not.  I was fortunate in that my mother allowed me to be who I am without judgement even though sometimes I think she had  a hard time understanding me.  I have very different interests and traits than anyone in my family.

Talk about adoption. It is not a bad word, it is part of your life.  Be willing to listen, and to answer and to respect that your son may have many conflicting feelings which are not a reflection of you in any way.  They are just his way of working through being an adoptee.

Avoid adoption cliches like  "you were chose"   "you were more wanted"   "anyone can have a child but not everyone can be a parent"  and so on.  Cliches like this just make you wonder if maybe people are trying a wee bit too hard to make you feel normal.   Just like any kid a simple "I love you "  will do.

I am an adoptee and I am fortunate to have parents who respect me and loved  me for my differences.  That is what is important for any kid. I wouldn't have changed my parents for anyone in the world.

Answer 16

Great question!

A lot of it depends on whether the adoption is open or not, and to what level.

IMO, just being as open and honest as you can about the adoption, and always being willing to talk about it with him if he has questions or wants to share his feelings, is key.

Most of the adoptees that I know are hesitant to bring up our feelings, ESP. to our adoptive parents, because we just do not want to hurt their feelings.  That is probably the number one reason why we don't talk about it.  So letting him know that he CAN talk about it, and it won't hurt your feelings to do so, would be very beneficial.  

If the adoption is open, keep it that way; if it is closed, make sure that any information you do have is available to him at the appropriate time.  Don't keep secrets; don't talk badly about his bio-family; just be honest and positive.

That's about all I can think of right now; but I'm sure others will    be able to add their brilliant input as well. :O)

Good luck, you sound like a great mom.