What can i do about a 10 year old child that does not have a mother?

Question

When her mother passed away, i asked her father to bring his daughter and son to me so that i can take care of them. There Father lives with us and she sees him everyday. If she does something and we try to educate her she screams at her father and myself. She used to stay in Kimberly where the kids do what they want and we brought her here to be with her father but she tells her father that he does not care about her just because sometimes he has money problems and he was in hospital the past three months with a serious problem.please i need to help to make her see that life is not bad, i also want to educate her so that she does not battle one day in life.

Answer 1

People who have lost someone they love may tell  you that it takes a whole 5 years before they really start to feel "mostly over it".  They do, of course, feel better as each year before that passes, but things are still pretty horrible at the one year anniversary.  Add to that the overwhelming loss and grief of a child losing her mother, and - unfortunately - for this little girl, life may actually be pretty bad.

I know how important education is, and I'm not recommending just ignoring it; but if her mother died within the last five years she may be so stressed out/grieving that she can't concentrate.

One way to make things better is to find things for her to do, chances for her to laugh, and generally trying to keep things on the pleasant side as often as possible.  It gives a mind a chance to take a rest from the loss, and over time enough pleasant experiences (even if that's just having several good laughs a day) actually helps improve someone's mood.

If there's any way she could see a counselor (with her father) the counselor may be able to help sort out the issues and give her father a few ideas about how to help.    When  you say "when she does something" and you "try to educate her" I'm wondering if maybe someone is "on her back" a little more than she's able to handle right now.  I'm not suggesting not having a few basic, reasonable, behavior rules; and I do think someone should make it clear to her that she can voice her opinions but should not be yelling at her father.  Still, sometimes a kid who has been a lot needs a little bit of break from some rules that - if you think about it - she can learn later.

Maybe you could say something like this:  "I know you're going through a really hard time, but so is your father.  If we are to get through these rough times as a family the first thing we need to agree on is that there will be no yelling in the our home.  Yelling makes everyone upset, including the person who yells; and we don't need more unpleasantness than we already have." That would at least be a start.

The fact is this little girl has seen for herself that life can be pretty bad.  I think if you aim for your home to a port in the storm for her, that over time she'll grow close enough to want to cooperate with some rules.

If there are any affordable outside activities she could do that would help get her mind of things.  If she likes to draw, write, take pictures, anything - having something to get her mind off things at home would help some too.