What can i do? do i have internal homophobia or what am i?

Question

I'm a female, always felt that i'm unique and a L*****n since as far as i can remember maybe 7 yrs old. i was attracted more to girls and i was a tomboy too but not anymore i'm very feminine. anyway as i grew up these feeling stated to get storng i tried to ignore it and date men. Recently i had sexual relationship with a male friend and it was pure s*x i couldn't kiss him because i used to feel disgused. i fell in love with women before but know one knew and i thought to myself it's just a phase and it will go, and had no problems. recently i'm having anxiety and panic attacks of the idea that i might be a L*****n, and it scares the **** out of me. i think i'm having now internal homophobia, and can't control it. whenever i start having feelings toward a girl i start to freak out have anxiety and try to ignore seeing her coz if i did i'm afraid she will notice how anxious i am and this severe anxiety might stay for weeks of course by taking medication such as zanax to calm down. i'm attracted to men, but when it comes to intamacy i can't imagine myself but with a women and it freaks me out like ****, i can't imagine myself kissing a guy but when it comes to kiss a girl, omg it feels really good but when it comes to reality i can't do it i'm tooooo scared and afraid and have phobia, and if you know about phobia you know how it feels like. now i'm confused i can't be intamite with a man nor with a women, and the thing that is killing me most is that now i'm losing my girl bestfriend because i have feeling for her and i ca'nt see her anymore because i become phobic. please help me..what ot do???

oh and by the way i can't be around lesbians because i'm not comfortable i feel scared like ****!!

Answer 1

Accept yourself. we are dealt cards that we sometimes cannot deal.  We are unique. To feel love for all sexes is a gift, the problem is accepting our lot in life. Go your own way, but know u aren't alone.

Answer 2

nick gave you a beautiful answer.

i went through the same and stayed celibate for 7 yrs now i realise trying to hide the real me made me ill...i wanted to be 'normal'and didn't want to live a g*y life no offence to anyone but as I'm 36 now i see that i have been miserable and lonely,its ok honey to be g*y there's nothing wrong and it would be a shame for you to waste your life like i did.i have joined an internet dating site and have made lots of like minded friends i feel so much better and I'm free.

so by staying away from lesbians you will make you worse because when you make friends they can help you and you will have a strong connection...all what you are explaining is fear.

feel the fear and do it anyway,what have you got to lose...

Answer 3

Many g*y and bisexual people go through homophobic or heterosexist feelings before they accept themselves.

I, myself, at one point when I thought I was bisexual (or tried to convince myself I was bisexual if not straight) was homophobic.  However, I have come to a point where I accept myself as being g*y.  And I have a wonderful boyfriend who I love so much.

I tell other people on here to follow their feelings.  Don't force yourself in any direction but see where life takes you.  Don't force yourself to like men, but don't force yourself to like women.  It may mean that you are not sexually active for a while, but your hormones will be working inside you and will eventually guide you to where you really should be going.

When I followed by feelings, I accepted myself, came out to others, had more friends and enjoyed life more and eventually found the love of my life.

Trust me, you will be much happier once you are open to destiny and the plan of your life, than trying to follow the plan of somebody else's life.

Best wishes - and please, enjoy the wonderful ride of your life, not try to hitch a ride on somebody else's!

Nick

:)

Answer 4

i think it would be best if you practiced more on being calm around other women. start off with ones your more comfortable around. and slowly build up. you should tell your friend the whole situation (at least everything you said here,  don't go over the top about liking her but it might be a good idea to tell her in a calm mature way even if you know it's not mutual. i'm sure she'll understand if she really is a good friend. make slow and steady progress to getting comfortable with yourself before you start going out and meeting others of either s*x. try meeting people in a similar situation to you. knowing there's someone who can understand what your going through is always a comfort. all in all stay at a pace that suits you, only you know how you really feel about your life. remember it's normal to feel anxious about things but don't let it control you life. hope you find a way through. : )

Answer 5

just find a girl.... and kiss her! lol