What can i do to stop my mother from spoiling my 3 yr old son?

Question

my son and i live at home with my parents, i work from the afternoon till ten at night, so my son is practically with my mom more than he is with me most of the time. each time i speak to him and give him choices to make when he's acting naughty...he chooses to run to his grandma (my mother ) and she basically goes with whatever he wants.even though i tell her from the beginning of each day to please go with whatever i would say!

Answer 1

Be straight up with your mother and tell her that she is teaching him to disrepect you and that is not acceptable, she is GrandMa not Mum and even if she does look after while you're at work, she should be going by your ways as HIS mother, that is your child and your rules should stand...

If she doesn't stand by your ways, she is totally disregarding you as his mother and that is just wrong.

For eg: My mother would never do that and would say the same thing, even if she disagrees with our ways, she said it's not her place to change things, but to follow our ways, why will she do that, because I am her daughter and she respects me and my rights as the mother of my girls.

& Dr Feelgood - that's BS, it's not a grandparents job to disrespect their own child with their grand child. It's a disaster waiting to happen as the child gets older, bigger issues will arise.

Answer 2

I have a four year old, and right now we live with my mother too. He tries to do the same thing! I talk with my mom and tell her I am the mom to him and he needs to listen to what I say and could she please back me up. She usually listens but when I feel like I am not being listened to, I usually have to pick him up and speak with him directly and remove him from the situation. I tell him what I wanted him to know, like I told you not to do ..... because....if you do it again you will get a time out. We just have to try to be the guiding parent when we can. Good wishes, try to keep in contact it seems we have at  least a bit in common!

Answer 3

That's the grandparents job.  

You live in their house.  It's their rules.  Get out on your own and stand on your own two feet.

Answer 4

Unfortunately this is the natural order of things. Biologically you are mom, but to him, SHE is mommy... like you said, he sees her more than he sees you and realistically this is just how it will be.

Honestly, as much as you justifiably feel your toes being stepped on, you are in HER home, she does most of the child raising of your son, so there isn't much you can do.

Add: This isn't going to change until you change your living arrangement. Sad but true fact.

I'm having to stop visiting MY grandparents because they started to get too attached to my children to the point of telling me what I could/couldn't do with my own children-and we live on our own! I finally had to get away from them because, as is natural, they were bonding too much and spending FAR too much time with my kids; about 1-3 days out of the week... (they would do over nighters/sleepovers weekly with either one, two or all of our kids, and would possibly also baby sit maybe a couple hours on another day so I could go shopping or something)

It's hard but you'll have to either accept it or move out.

Answer 5

    First, do not allow him to run to her.  Take him by the hand and tell him that he may not look for someone to say X when you said Y.  By allowing him to run to her you are giving him the message that he can continue to do this.  If for some reason you cannot get him before he gets to her, follow him telling him that he needs to come with you until you can get to him and take him by the hand to remove him from the area.  Never allow a child to get away with doing something you told him not to do.  The Universe made them small so we can pick them up and move them wen we need to do so.

   Now, you still need to try working with your mother...

Sit down with your Mom and begin by telling her how much you appreciate all they do for you and your son.  Get the warm, fuzzy feelings going.  

  Then, keeping things in that really emotional realm, tell her how scary it is to you sometimes to be a mom.  Tell her that when you realize that you are not only responsible for meeting your child's physical and emotional needs, you need to make sure you do everything possible to help him grow up to be a responsible, respectful, successful person.  Ask her if this is something that used to scare her.  Let her talk for a while.

   Then, if she has given you a jumping off point, use it.  If she hasn't given you much, tell her how glad you are to have her help in helping your son grow up well.  Tell her there is one thing that concerns you.  That thing is that your child is getting the wrong message when adults don't stick together on an issue.  Tell her that someday you will be alone with him and will need him to listen to you.  If he's learned he can go against your word and you have no control over him, he will not grow up to be the successful person "we all want him to be".  

  Ask Mom to help you by sticking with you on issues.  Gently but firmly let her know that she had a child (or children) and that was her chance to do things as she saw best.  Now, it's your turn.  Tell her you appreciate her input because her experience is valuable.  But you really need her help with this.  Finish up with something like, "I hope you can see how much you'd be doing to help me AND _________ (fill in the blank with your child's name) if you could help me with this one thing."

    Keep your voice modulated and keep the caring and love in your voice.  Make it really hard for her to say no.

   Overall, as others have suggested, you need to get out of there ASAP. However, I don't agree that grandparents get to do what they want because this is their job. This is an old adage passed on by grandparents who wish to not take responsibility for their actions.  Others who quote it are not doing anyone any favors. Raising a child is not about making grandparents happy, it's about doing what is best for the child regardless of how anyone else feels about it.

Answer 6

You mother needs to respect the way you want to bring up your kid and not undermine your authority in front of him.. She is turning him into a brat and he will not respect you either.

You will need at some stage to move out and probably have to find another job more suitable for day-time childcare / school hours.  The sooner the better.