What can we do to help?

Question

My stepson 12(lives 15 hrs away) is spending the summer w/ us since June 18 he will be going back home on Aug. 17.But we have noticed that he is being acting like a 3yr old he doesn't care on how he looks, he doesn't wear deodorant, take a shower, brush teeth 7 more if we don't tell him to do. He can spend more than 5 hrs on the TV, psp,computer . We don't allowed him but it is obvious that the mother doesn't care & my hubby have teaching him to do better for his own good w/ no results. We have noticed that his mom totally control him even if she is not w/ him she calls at least 3 times a day to see what he eats and to tell her detail by detail what he has done during the day. She doesn't want for him to spend time w/ me or our kids. He seems to be scared @ nigth too but what can we done besides taking him to see a professional he is not allowed to answer most of our questions because mom's get mad!! WE love him & specially my hubby spend times alone w/ him but still he doesn't...

Answer 1

I am not trying to scare you, I am just sharing the truth. I had a cousin who was sexually abused, she wet the bed when she was older too. It may be a type of abuse that is really causing him to wet bed, maybe if it isn't even one kind, maybe another like neglect. I am really hoping the best, just try to do good and keep your household as stable as possible for him, good wishes on custody

Answer 2

He's a 12 yr old boy, that's what they do. Until one of his friends says something he will not change it. Good Luck.

Answer 3

I think what you are seeing as 3 yr old behavior is fairly normal boy adolescent behavior.  there is a period they go thru where they dont care what they look like, cleanliness, etc, THEN they get to the stage (hopefully by 16) where they take 3 showers a day, wear too much cologne, and are personally neat.  This is normal.  Also, watching alot of TV and comp time is also normal for many adolescants.  

While you say the mother apparently doesnt care about her son, then you say she is controlling him, b/c she calls all the time...  Which one is it?  If she didnt care she wouldnt call, if she was calling more than 3 x a day I would say controlling, but 3x isnt that bad.  She is probably aware of his lack of personal health and is calling (as you said to grill him about what hes doing and eating) to make sure he is trying to be healthy, or whatever.  

I would just do your best to remind him to shower, deodorant, etc and EXPECT resistence b/c of his AGE.  I would take it in stride that his mom is calling to see that he is properly treated.  I only have 1 son, and I know if he was 15 hrs away with a family I didnt really know or had 'difficulties' with I would be calling everyday, esp if I thought they might not take as good of care of him as I do.  

I wonder why you think he is scared at night?  He asks for a night-light?  Assuming he wet the bed at night b/c he was scared is too much, I would assume that as an adolescent boy, he may have been having a wet-dream and urinated instead, which can happen.  Of course he didnt want to talk about it!  He was embarrased!  He is scared of his mother?  If he doesnt want to talk on the phone, I would also consider this a male adolescant thing, nothing to be concerned about.  Boys his age arent into phones.  I would try asking the mother if she had noticed his lack of interest in personal cleanliness, and then ask HER advice on how to get him to comply with heathy practices, dont mess it up by assuming alot (which it seems you are) and try to take custody from her.

Taking custody of a child is done when they ask to move with someone else, or when there is clear and present danger to their physical, emotional or mental well-being....  NOT because his mom calls 3x a day.

Answer 4

You are describing exactly how my son acted up until the time he discovered girls (and still acts when he doesn't have any one special crush)  He is still a boy and perhaps you are putting to much pressure on him, he may not want to answer your questions because he feels like you are prying in his relationship with his mother.  As for his mother, perhaps she has some issues with him being gone but I am sure she misses him and he has probably told her that you are being nosy and she wants to make sure he is OK.  

As the mom of a teenager with a step mom, I have to say it is really annoying when step-moms decide that they are so much better at parenting and know a child so much better then the woman who is with them and has raised them with little or no emotional support from dad