What can you tell me about adoption?

Question

I have a 3 month old son, whom I enjoy immensely (he's a good little dude), but really really did not enjoy the process of pregnancy and childbirth. I'd like very much to someday have a little girl, because my husband and I would like to have a boy and a girl. However, I refuse to go through the process of having another child, especially since it could (probably would, with my luck) turn out to be another boy!

I'm interested in adoption, and I was hoping that people would be willing to share adoption experiences and information with me.

Right now, I'm leaning towards out-of-country adoption, for the simple fact that kids in need of adoption in developing countries don't have the opportunities that kids in this country have.

Please also know that I will not (will NOT) consider foster care/ foster adoption. I have a friend who has adopted a few children through the foster care system, and I can't see myself being willing to jump through the ridiculous hoops involved.

Obviously, my preference would be for a baby girl, but I realize that is pretty much everyone's preference, and I would consider any age child who was a good fit for our family.

Also please note that it will be a couple of years before I will be ready to do this, I'm just doing some research beforehand.

One last note, I will actually choose a best answer, so 10 points are up for grabs!

Thanks in advance for the helpful answers!

Answer 1

OKay... where to start...

We adopted two children from Liberia.  I am a proponent of international adoption, however, I will say this is something to not enter into lightly.  

Most IA (international adoptions) involve infants/toddlers.  However, most children available for adoption overseas are school age children.  There are also many sibling groups (a reputable agency will not separate siblings).  If you are only interested in adopting an infant, international adoption may not be the best option.  There are also some (in my opinion) ethical questions when it comes to s*x selection in adoption.  For reasons unknown, there is a much greater "demand" for girls than boys.  It was something we wrestled with as a family and in the end, decided not to have a gender preference.  We adopted school age siblings, brother and sister.  

People considering international adoption need to really look hard at their motives for doing so.  Many people want to save a child, or rescue a child.  Consider that this sets up a child with an obligation toward the adoptive parents.  That's a serious thing to live with.  

Other things to consider: how will you help a child of another race deal with racial issues in the US?  A child from another country may speak a different language or have a different religion than you.  They may have different national loyalty, different perceptions on gender roles.  Point is, international adoptees don't come to America as blank slates.  The adoptive parents have a huge responsibility to recognize and address the needs of an international adoptee.  Speaking from experience here, I can say that it is NOT the same as parenting a biological child.  

Another thing: there are a lot of unethical and illegal practices that happen in international adoption.  And it's going to be up to the adoptive parents to ensure that they aren't a party to child trafficking, buying/kidnapping children or coersion, even unknowningly.  

If you're starting out, you really need to do a lot of research.  There's so much more to international adoption than can be answered in this forum.  Check out the blogs of adult international adoptees, look on other forums (Informed Adoption Advocates is a good one) and speak to other people familiar with international adoption.  

I'm not trying to scare you off of international adoption, but it is a lot more complicated than what the tabloid magazines would have you believe.  Take your time, do your homework, before proceeding.

Good luck.

Answer 2

It sounds like you've the begining of a good plan but I'm not sure what more you need to know. Do you know how to find an agency?

I adopted because I simply prefer adoption and because I had no interest in being pregnant. It worked out beautifully. We chose International Adoption for several reasons, the greatest being that domestic adoption is a bit of a mess right now. Also my husband wanted our first child to come to our home as an infant.

I was adopted and grew up with a lot of friends who were adopted internationally so it was very natural for us. We chose our program country based on their reliability and a simple affinity for the culture. We also looked at our ability to provide good cultural experience for our child.

Here is a good starting point to think about different countries, but let me know if you have any specific questions:

http://www.theadoptionguide.com/options/...

Oh, and please ignore the extremists, they have a lot of problems and rather than managing them, they harass people who adopt children.  

Answer 3

Hi Kali,

In order for the child to enter your family, the child must loose his other family.  As a woman who has recently given birth, you must know how your son knew you.  Your son knew your voice, your heartbeat was familiar to him and he prefers you to all others.  People think because they are newborns they won't remember but many adoptees find the pain of loss remains years later.  

Another thing to keep in mind, the mother.  Many mother's never get over the pain involved in relinquishing their child.  These mothers are told they will get "over it" or things will get easier with time.  Not true.  They never get over it and many times the pain gets worse as time goes by.

In adoption, the child should come first.  Finding parents for children and not children for parents.  The children who truly need parents, foster children.

You will get the full spectrum on views of adoption here.  I invite you to stay and learn the good, the bad and the ugly on adoption.  Only that way will you make a truly informed decision.

Thank you for asking questions and doing research before adopting.  

Answer 4

Uh.. maybe it's just your wording.. but it sounds like you are shopping for a doll. Maybe focusing on your 3 month old is what you should do. With time, your perspective could change.  

Answer 5

well i was adopted.. from the US.. and i dont know anything about the process or anything but if you do choose to adopt try to find some information about the girl.. like heritage and stuff like that.. cuz i hate not knowing stuff like that.. but maybe it doesnt matter that much to other people... well anyways good luck if you do :D i hope to adopt too when i am old enough and ready to have a family

Answer 6

With international adoption the child is usually close to a year or older when they are allowed to be adopted by a foreigner. Also since you would want to adopt a baby younger than your son (this is usually recommended) I think you are definitely a few years away from adopting, and international adoption changes very quickly. For example Vietnam has now closed their program to families in the US (the US was critical of their adoption practices). Therefore it probably doesn't make a lot of sense to get your heart set on a particular country, since it might not be open. Also international adoption can be a complicated and lengthy process.

You might want to read up about transracial adoption to educate yourself about issues around that. Also there are some yahoo groups about adopting from specific countries - e.g. ichild is about adopting from india. Those groups are more pro-adoption that this group tends to be. You can get an over view of info about adopting from various countries from  the state deptartment:

http://travel.state.gov/family/adoption/...

Answer 7

A whole 10 points, huh?  Okay, here goes!

Didn't 'enjoy the process of pregnancy'?  So you want to farm out that job to some poor woman in a Third World country?  And what are you offering in exchange?  Rides to ballet class in your Suburban?  

Oooh, goody!  I'd have happily given up my mother, culture, and entire family to be the substitute child for a 'mother' too wimpy to make her own children.  It's all about you.

Do some reading, hon.  Puppies and rainbows it ain't.

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org

http://www.origins-usa.org

http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm

http://www.babyscoopera.com

http://www.b******s.org/bq/babb2.html

Adoption studies:

http://crimemagazine.com/07/adoptionfore...

http://darkwing.uoregon.edu/~adoption/to...

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/w...

Books:

The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier

Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience AND

Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness both by Betty Jean Lifton

The Adopted break Silence by Jean Paton

The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler

Adoption: Uncharted Waters,by David Kirschner

Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky

Answer 8

I think that before you adopt, you should think a lot about the ramifications of adoption vs. having one of your own.

If you give birth to a child, you will be the only parents of that child:   To be specific, the only parents that your child will have a social, emotional, and genetic connection to.   If you adoption, the first two are not guaranteed and the third one is an impossibility.  

If it is an open adoption, could you deal with your child loving another mother as well?  Maybe going to her for hugs?  Accidentally calling her "mommy" too?  If it is a closed adoption, could you deal with a reunion where your child might build a parent-child relationship with their natural parents? It is not unheard of and in-fact very common.  Would you be able to deal with another mother having just an intense an emotional connection to her lost child (and as permanent) as you have to your baby right now?  

I am glad you are asking for individual adoption experiences.  Please also listen to the voices of those who were adopted, and mothers who lost children to adoption: their voices are just as important as those who have adopted.