What counts as acceptance?

Question

I've seen several people here intimate (or explicitly claim) that adoptees who have a problem with adoption just haven't dealt with their issues and accepted their lot in life.

This strikes me as armchair diagnosing rather than addressing the issues raised.

For instance, I accept my life as it is. I'm not here looking for people to feel sorry for me or to make it all better. I'm here trying to speak up about adoption and raise awareness of the complexities involved. I want adoptees, all adoptees, to feel like they can speak up.

I would like first mothers to know that adoption has a downside. I would like adoptive parents to know that adoption has a downside. And I would like adoptees to know that, if they have conflicting feelings about their adoption, they are not alone, not a "fringe, radical minority." (And if they don't, then perhaps they could have some empathy for their fellow adoptees and accept that one person speaking up against adoption is not a personal attack on them.)

What, in all of that, means I have not accepted my lot in life? What, in all that, means I haven't dealt with my issues?

The more we are dismissed as "angry," "bitter, "radical" and so on, the more polarized we all become.

Answer 1

Ok, Phil you're a philosopher, who was it that said

"An unexamined life is not worth living."  

(was it Socrates....not sure I'm rusty on my philosophers)

Anyway, for me acceptance comes through asking questions, struggling with answers, seeking truth and sometimes finding it, sometimes not.  Acceptance is coming to a sense of peace after struggle.  

Acceptance is not ignoring issues, pretending they don't exist, or rewriting history to suit one's needs.

It seems like some here think that this process of "examination" is a sign of a lack of acceptance.  I would argue just the opposite.  You can't have acceptance without struggle and examination.  I admire any person who is brave enough to ask tough questions and who comes to a sense of acceptance regardless of their perspective on adoption or anything else.  I think some on this site need to be careful about confusing denial with acceptance.  

Answer 2

I have always known that my adoption was a good thing.  After reunion and the knowledge that it gave me about what my situation would have been, I can honestly say that my adoption was a once-in-a-million fantastic thing.  Without going into the gory details, I not only missed a whole lot of bad, additionally I got a lot of good in the exchange.  I am so fortunate to have been adopted.  

However, I deplore adoption practice in the USA.  I was humiliated and treated differently than all non-adopted people in the attempt to open my records.  I am subjected to public scrutiny.  Since childhood, society has forced me to deal with my adoption in a very public forum, while permitting my bparents to hide in anonynimity.  So much of the "system" is just worng...and if often seems that the most valid voices, those of adoptees, are ignored.  

The acceptance that I aim for and I most value is the acceptance that I give myself.  I am willing to believe that most of life is greyish tones leaning more or less toward black or white.  I'm ok with grey most of the time.  

I find the posters who presume to speak for everyone of their chosen group to be the most frustrating.  An adoptee with a great situation claims that ALL adoptions must be good.  A bparents that claims never ending sense of loss that cannot accept that some bparents were darn glad to unburden themselves of their unwanted offspring.  The aparents who claims that adoption issues don't exist for adoptees because they don't feel them.  That list could go on into infinity!

I love your thought provoking questions and HOPE that I will be singled out for special recognition and comment.  Cyber hug.

Answer 3

Excellent question.  

I really do try (but sometimes don't succeed) to avoid telling people how they should feel, what they should think and to avoid "armchair diagnosing" based upon what I read on an anonymous online forum.  

Still, it happens (and not only to the adoptees either!).  And it's only human to form an opinion about someone based upon what you're reading from them.

"Red flags" to me are sweeping generalizations and knee-jerk hostile responses.  This isn't limited to the "angry adoptee" faction, by any means!  

But as that's the subject in this question, when an individual responds to every question from someone even considering adoption with an attack (not saying "Here's some reading.") but already accusing someone of trying to separate a mother/child, trying to use a child to fill some emotional need, trying to steal a child from a third world country, I really question that person's "acceptance."  

When the response to any kind of "searching" question involves blame of the APs, even if the APs aren't mentioned or mentioned as being supportive (but they don't REALLY mean it), then I wonder.  

Those are a couple of examples.  If someone can try to educate in a balanced, non-attacking fashion, I listen.  

Answer 4

I think in the minds of some Aps that means saying and thinking "adoption in general is beautiful and moral".  People don't want to hear anything negative despite it being true. It goes against their agenda.

I don't get why so many Ap's that do see the overwhelming amt. of problems within adoption continue to defend Adoption as an entirety as good. Being silent is the same thing as supporting the bad practices or atrocities going on.

I think that some people that throw out "acceptance" to adoptee's who are emotional intelligent lack emotional intelligence themselves. They are the ones that can't accept that adoption isn't a solution, for some its just too painful knowing that their last option of getting a baby to raise themselves will no longer be an option.

Answer 5

I think this is an excellent question.  We treat our (soon to be) adoptive son, just like he is our son and always have since the day he moved in (reunification foster care).  We do acknowledge his loss and embrace the fact that he IS mourning the loss of his mother.  It breaks my heart every-time he cries - to know that one he does miss her and always will - and two that he is growing up and learning.  I try not to be bitter toward irate questions, but sometimes my mood isn't the best.  I am trying to learn all feelings (adoptive parents, adoptees, first parents...etc.)  I just want my son to always know that yes BOTH of his parents (sets) love him.  And one day, we would love to have a relationship...it's just not a great time for anyone right now!

Answer 6

The "symptoms" (if you will) of "not acecpting and dealing with" etc etc

are what I described in the answer you are referring to

There is nothing wrong with wanting to fix things that are wrong, but the stereotyping and refusing to see that not all adoption is the same.. Trying to push all Aps, agencies, adoptons, into a "box" is symptomatic of having an unbalanced view of the subject.

BTW.. I don't necessarily think  you do that (push everything into a box) but there are a few people here who definitely do. I'd name names if it wouldn't  get me in trouble

ETA: Jennifer said what I was trying to say, in BOTH my answers, only better...as usual

Answer 7

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnVMTs0St...

According to the adoption is wonderful folks, this fits the stereotype.

Answer 8

I think that the suffragettes were maladjusted and unwilling to accept their proper lots in life.  They were angry and bitter.  They had not chosen to deal with their issues.  The suffragettes were certainly "anti-woman."

Women who were against suffrage (there were plenty) were able to see the foolishness of the suffragettes.  They understood that it was good to be women, and knew what that meant.  They knew that part of that meant allowing men to take care of the nasty world of politics.  They realized that it was best to let the men place the votes while they took care of their rightful, womanly duties.