What did my parents do wrong?

Question

You all seem to be such experts on why I'm "screwed up." According to several posters in the last 24 hours, my adoptive parents really must have messed up badly.

Which I find odd, since I always liked and loved my adoptive parents. I figured they did a halfway decent job on me. I've been pretty successful in life. I've made it through a lot of adversity, and I'm doing pretty well for myself. I think they had a bit to do with that.

But since I'm on this site, saying adoption is not all sunshine and roses, apparently my adoptive parents did a lot wrong. Can anyone tell me what they did wrong? You all seem to know, and I'd like to hear what it was.

Answer 1

Adoptive parents versus birth parents.

Really I don't think there is much difference between adoptive parents and birth parents. There are good ones, bad ones and so-so ones.

Good ones can occasionally make bad decisions raising their kids just like bad ones can occasionally make really good ones.

It's the "luck of the draw" I guess.

As for what they did wrong raising you, I don't know your situation BUT one of the things they did right is that they chose to adopt you!

Answer 2

Dear Phil,

You know that your parents did the best they could (as do all parents worth their salt) and I for one, think you turned out just fine! You are no more screwed up than the avarage person as far as I am concerned and perhaps turned out a bit more open-minded and self aware than most.

As I said in another answer, until we stop nitpicking each other's personal experiences and start accepting that there are mulitple POVs about adoption, we will NEVER see the changes made that we ALL seem to agree need to happen.

There is NOTHING wrong with you. Keep being a voice and keep being YOU. Don't EVER let anyone tell you that your opinion or feelings aren't important or are wrong. They are part of YOU and I personally like you just dandy the way you are and I think you are a wonderful voice for your POV.

PS I also think ALL your parents should be proud to have had a hand in your life and how you turned out! I am proud just to know you.

Answer 3

Well I don't know what all people are saying but from an adoptive situation myself I can say if people haven't been there they just don't understand... no matter how many times you explain it. And it doesn't mean your parent or parents did a bad job. I was adopted by just my dad my mom is my birth mom , and he was a great dad but the situation caused me problems on into adult hood. I am finally conquering these demons. I'm sure you are doing your best too.

Answer 4

I don't know Phil, but mine must have really sucked, too.  After all, not only did I reunite with my first parents, I actually expect the state to treat me the same as non-adopted persons.  

So, I guess the current "theory" is that "ungrateful little b******s" had lousy adoptive parents?  Wow.  What will they think of next?

ETA:

Kristy, "half-way decent" is a common mid-western euphemism for "good."  Stop looking for anyway you can to tear someone down.

Answer 5

Like I said in another post, it's not necessarily easy for adoptive parents to come to grips with the fact that their children will suffer and grieve... and be able to do nothing about it.

Speaking specifically to this forum, adoptive parents are under a microscope. Everything that an a-parent does is subject to intense scrutiny.  Word choices in a post by adoptive parents or PAPs is picked apart, dissected and frankly twisted in order to put the poster in a bad light.  I've seen posts where a bad parenting choice (like leaving a baby alone in a car... twice) seems to be excused because it was the baby's biological mother made that decision.  But I'll guarantee you if that was an adoptive mother, she would have been hung out to dry.

So, I'm making two points here.

1.  Adoption loss, from the perspective of the adoptive parent, isn't the easiest thing to come to grips with. So, give some of us time to chew on it, please!  

2.  To this forum specifically, adoptive parents are under fire.  Sometimes, a bit of defensiveness is understandable for us too, right?

ETA: I completely understand you resenting that you and your parents are under attack.  I don't hold that against you at all and never said otherwise.  I'm not trying to excuse behavior, just trying to make it a bit more understandable, especially if you are feeling attacked by APs (because that's where my experience lies).

Answer 6

I am happy I was adopted!!  I didn't say your parents did anything wrong.  Did you read the part about how everyone has scars from growing up.  I did not single your parents out.  I was merely giving my opinion.  It is not fair to assume that only adopted children endure any childhood pain.  Making the best out of a situation is always a good idea.  I am very sorry that you are so angry and upset.  We are not trying to pretend it is always perfect but you need to stop telling us we all need to be angry.  I am sorry if this disappoints you but I do not have it in me.

Answer 7

Just reading your post lately I do not think your adoptive parents messed up.  I do not even think the adoption messed up.  It really just seems to be your personality and who you are.  No matter who raised you, you probably would have the same personality.  Some traits are simply born within.

Answer 8

You say it yourself, "I figured they did a halfway decent job on me."  They only did a HALFWAY decent job.

I hope when my son is grown, he and his natural mother can say that I did a FULLY great job raising him.

________

You are older, and therefore your adoption was back in a time when adoptive parents didn't do much research into the psychology of adoptees.

______

Mei- I am not "perfect" and I know my son could experience loss...  it does not matter WHEN the loss occurred, if he experienced it- it's something that a parent SHOULD HELP THEM GET THROUGH IN ORDER TO HAVE A MORE POSITIVE LIFE....  which is why I'm discussing the topic here.

If your child was unhappy- would you NOT ask them why?  Would you NOT offer them a suggestion to get through it or get them some other help to get through the pain?  The loss may still be there, but they don't ALWAYS have to be UNHAPPY about it all the time.

--------------

A healing adoptee- it's not a full moon, there are just adoptive parents who feel like expressing their views today.  I know you don't like it when their opinions differ from what you think.

As for ME being mean- get real.  I've never heard more rude, mean, and condescending comments than I have ever heard - from posters in here...  to me just because I adopted a child.

People change my words around all the time--but can't stand to have it the other way around.

-----------

Phil- YOUR WORDS WERE A DIRECT QUOTE.  I didn't change anythign around.  While proving your point, you could have chosen different words-but you didn't....  makes me wonder why.

Answer 9

It is ironic, that if anyone post a comment or poses a question that is positive concerning adoption, they are put down or they must live in, Utopia.

With over a half million children, in foster care, many awaiting adoption, the numbers speak for themselves, some of these children are going to be adopted.

It is my responsibility to educated myself, as a adoptive parent, but if anyone can offer me some positive advice, sharing their views, so that I can help my children, I would gladly accept it.

All adoptive parents are not infertile, baby, stealing, monsters. We do not all live in, La La Land, happy that we are raising someone's child, ignoring the problems that are unique to a adoptive child.

If we are doing such a terrible job, help us to understand, give the future adoptive parents guidance, so that they can be better prepared, aware of issues that should not be ignored.

The bottom line is, there are thousands of children that WILL be adopted, help the adoptive parents, so they can help their children.

It's takes a community to raise a child, be part of that community and help the children.

Answer 10

I guess everyone experiences loss at sometime in their lives. When I gave my daughter up in 1972, no one knew the long term ramifications of adoption on the adoptees or even the birth parents. There is nothing we can do about that now. Since reunion my bdaughter has told me that even though she loves her amom (adad is dead) but she was sad a lot because she didn't look like her mom. No matter how hard you try to be a good parent, no body's perfect. You have every right to your feelings. I'm glad you can express them here. Being a parent in general is not all sunshine and roses.

I am not against adoption but I'm sure you know by my answers that I am a little biased . I can only speak out as a birthmom who has lived a life without her child and you can only speak out as a child ( I know you are an adult)  who has lived without his bmom. We all have the capacity to love a lot of people. Amom, bmom, inlaws, grandparents the list is endless.

Answer 11

Is it not possible to have a good and successful career, a loving home, loving adoptive parents, and still feel sad about your adoption sometimes? To me this just seems natural, even for those who may have worked thru many of their issues of abandonment. Isn't this what we are trying to teach our kids? It is okay to happy and its okay to be sad? It is okay to love your aps and it is okay to love your nps. It is okay to miss your natural family and it is okay to want your aps. It is okay to feel the loss, to grieve, to disagree, to accept, to move forward. Isn't this goal people?

Answer 12

First no one said your parents did anything wrong. All anyone is saying is that how the parents address the subject of adoption has a big role in how a child will perceive it, and deal with it. Everyone knows that the way our parents deal and handle problems and things that arise in life is how we learn to handle alot of things in our own lives. Aside from that each and every person deals with their own struggles in life in their own way. Some choose to accept the circumstances of their life and never look back, others choose to dwell on the bad and are stuck there forever.

No one ever said that the system doesn't need some changes But that doesn't mean that their unhappy with their adoption or their life. And it doesn't mean they live in a "fog" or have "issues" with it either.

Phil evidently you didn't read what I said. No one was attacking you parents. I simply said how our parents present and handle things has an impact on how we perceive and handle things. Everyone adopted or not will at some time not think as their parents do. But how we handle things sometime does reflect how our parents handled situations. Talk about attacking others. Look in the mirror

Answer 13

I find it strange that some APs insist on believing that they are perfect and that their kids will suffer no loss.

Especially seeing as their kids lost something even BEFORE the adoptive parents came into the picture. Hence why the parents can't understand WHY the loss can't be healed by "love conquers all" mentality.

... wow. I just realized that sounded like saying "Your child will have mental issues and never get over them!" XD

Basically: adoptive parents need to realize that this loss occured even before they signed the papers. Before they were probably even aware that the child existed and that the bio mom did the "left-to-be-found" act.

It isn't that we aren't loved by our PARENTS. It's that we were LEFT by our other parents and that NEVER goes away. Yes, my mom and dad love me. Yes, I had the best d**n childhood. I was happy. I was loved. I was cherished. But the reason that the "love conquers all" mentality doesn't work is because...

I was left IN love. I was left BECAUSE of love.

Kristy: [it's something that a parent SHOULD HELP THEM GET THROUGH IN ORDER TO HAVE A MORE POSITIVE LIFE.... ]

A lot of the TRAs who returned to Korea DO have positive lives. But they still experienced loss, they still want to return to claim their heritage. They want to feel what they never experienced growing up.

Yes, their adoptive parents can say, "I understand you lost your parents, your culture and your language."

But what they can't do is, they can't give back that Korean childhood. They can't "give back" that culture or that language. It doesn't work that way.

So when you say "help them get through"... do you mean merely accepting that there is a loss that adoptive parents just can't necessarily "love away", or that you think if they go to therapy that they'll NEVER EVER think about their relinquishment again?

Please clarify. :)

I posted on loss in my adoption blog. And then a woman came by and proceeded to attack me for it. When I went to her blog to see what view she came from, she wrote that I had "issues" and that whatever my parent did "wrong", SHE would be sure NOT to do and therefore her child would NEVER have any questions/issues regarding his adoption. So I said: "I'm not attacking you. I'm asking you why you seem to think that anything negative I say has to do with my adoptive parents and how it was 'their fault'. My parents have nothing to do with my relinquishment whatsoever."

http://findingkobi.blogspot.com

~*~

Jennifer: You might find this link to be of some help - http://sisterheping.wordpress.com/

Ask away all you want over there, just keep in mind that I do have rules (they're not hard to follow) and moderate comments in order to keep things smooth.

It's the second post on the page, it has 37 comments.

Answer 14

kristy, you are so judgemental! Half-way decent is just a phrase! it means nothing more. your parents are fine as was mine phil. there seems alot of AP's and other adoptees who want to attack today. Is there a full moon or something? Just ignore them. feel how you want to, speak what you feel is right.