What did you fantasize about when you thought of your other family?

Question

for me I imagined that my sister (who I last saw when she was 2 and I was 7) was looking for me too and that she had a great life. when I moved close to her I wondered of anyone I met her age was her. Does anyone else do that. Would you rather wonder and fantasize or possibly be disappointed?

Answer 1

I had heaps of fantasies - from either end of the spectrum - both good and bad - and everything in between.

I'm still a huge daydreamer to this day - and run 100's of scenarios through my head about what people are thinking - from words that they've said. (like I'm trying to work out if what they're saying is true - can it be taken at face value - or is there a deeper meaning to what they said - or are they not telling me the truth at all!!! This is usually about stuff right now to do with my first fam - as my reunion is in very early days.)

Yep - sometimes - things are very mixed up in my head!!!!

I think it's because I wasn't allowed to talk about my first family.

Questions weren't allowed to be asked - so instead - I asked them in my head - and made up wild scenarios about what the answer might be.

I think this also compounded my problems with trusting those that I love - as I'm worried they'll all leave me one day.

(I was not only adopted - but my a-dad died when I was less than 1 - and my a-mum died when I was 18 - I haven't had a very good run on loved one's sticking around!!! - Except for now - I've been married to a wonderful man for 17 years this year!!!!)

No wonder I was always in trouble in class for not concentrating - I was worrying too much about my world - to be able to focus on other things going on!!

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger!!!

Answer 2

Truthfully, I never really fantasize about what my mom was b/c i saw my mom around the small town we lived in for awhile.Though I never had a relationship with her when i was younger. But I did fantasize that if she cleaned up her life, what type of person she would of been. From what I hear from my biological family she was smart and things. It was the drugs that changed her. So, I would fantasize on how great her life would of been if she didn't do drugs or was a prosuitue.

Answer 3

I don't know that I can add too much to Julie's wonderful answer...

I know that I have fantasized most of my life about my first family.  In this way, adoptees are both similar to and dissimilar to nonadopted children.  In their book "Being Adopted" Brodzinsky, Schechter and Henig discuss a common occurrence for most children between the ages of nine and twelve.  This is the Family Romance Fantasy:  

"Biological children at about this age often have fantasies that they were secretly adopted.  This usually arises after a period of conflict with their parents; it is a child's way of dealing with the unsettling fact that he can both love and hate his parents at the same time.  If those nasty disciplinarians are so hateful, the child reasons, they must also be imposters; my real parents would never be so cruel."  (p. 76)

"But with adopted children its resolution is more complicated, because the 'fantasy' is, in large measure, real."  (p. 76)

While all children go through the fantasy stage, adoptees struggle with it a bit more.

But as Julie pointed out, most adoptees I've known have worked through all this by the time they get to searching.  Indeed, when I started my search, I assumed my first mom would either be dead or not want to talk to me.  Instead, I found someone, much like my adoptive parents, who was caring and loving and flawed.  

For me, that was a very big relief.  Not only was it not horrible, but it wasn't perfect.  I don't know how I could have lived up to a perfect person.  I'm a flawed person myself, and finding another flawed, but caring human being at the end of my search was better than finding a perfect human being.

If it had turned out badly?  Well, when I started searching, I assumed it would turn out badly.  And I still did it.  So I guess I would rather be disappointed rather than never know.

Answer 4

I didn't ever allow myself to fantasize about them.

I honestly didn't think I would ever meet them anyway.

I guess I thought they would at least be alive if/when I found them considering their young age.  I ended up being half wrong on that account.

And honestly, I assumed my whole life that they didn't want me so I tried not to think about them much at all.

It was quite a shock to learn the opposite.  I'm still processing it all actually.

I guess in my case, I would have probably been better off fantasizing, everything would have probably been less of a shock to my system if I had.

Answer 5

Yes, I did have fantasies.  Growing up, I was told that my mom was from a wealthy family.  So, I always wondered why she gave me up.  I also imagined talking to her and my half-siblings, and how we would understand one another so well.  Nice fantasizes.

I searched for my natural family, though, because I thought fantasizing is unhealthy.  The constant state of unknowing that Julie spoke of needed to be reconciled.

The reality I found was different from my fantasy.  But I would definitely search again.  Before reunion, I thought about adoption all the time; it was a piece of my identity.  Now, I am less encumbered by such thoughts; adoption is just a fact of life.

Answer 6

I didn't fantasize about my first family as a kid.  I think I felt it would be somehow disloyal to my adoptive parents, although they never did or said anything to give me such an idea.

I was adopted as an infant.  I didn't even know I had half- sisters til 6 or 7 years ago!

Answer 7

I didn't really fantasize about them, I thought they probably meant to be nice but were axe murderers, (they were so not, that was a shock)

I was very blocked when I was growing up to my adoption issues.

Answer 8

There was no choice but to fantasize, because the facts and the truth were witheld, sigh

As a kid I would shut my eyes and concentrate real hard to try and picture my mother.

I wanted to know the truth about why she left me, what was wrong with me?  question after question after question left unanswered

I searched faces and wondered if strangers I met were related to me

In answer to your last question, I would rather be possibly disappointed and know the whole truth (good bad or indifferent) than left to wonder and fantasize

Answer 9

Hi Florida Gal,

Did you ever have the chance to reunite with your sister yet?  Hope so.  I'm glad you asked these questions.  I have found 2 family members through searching.  Yes, I fantasized about what I might have found before I found them.  I also fantasized they were looking for me too, & they were!  I fantasized they thought of me on my birthday and other special occasions and it turns out they did!  Is searching worth the risk of being disappointed?  Yes, I believe it’s very beneficial.  Let me explain.

Like other adoptees, I had considered every set of circumstances possible regarding my first family.  That included everything from the best to the worst case scenarios.  After almost 30 years, that's plenty of time to think it all over!  People who are not adopted may believe adoptees are unprepared and have not considered that there are many different possibilities.  They may also believe that adoptees are trying to replace the adoptive parents, or that they are only looking for good when they seek out their relatives.  The truth is, adoptees are prepared, & it's not about adoptees trying to find somebody richer or nicer or smarter to replace the adoptive parents anyways.  In fact, it's not about the adoptive parents at all.

When people grow up with their families or even when adoptees in open adoptions grow up, they need never wonder about their families as they have always known them.  Most adoptees, particularly the ones from the baby scoop era, live in a different world - the constant state of "unknowing." Many find this a difficult, painful state in which to exist, some to a greater degree than others. It's perfectly normal to wonder about the people who brought you into this world.  Without answers, the fantasies & the questions will persist. Adoption is not a one-time event. It is a continuous existence, and a truth, no matter what it is, can be accepted and dealt with. Unknowns cannot.

That being said, adoptees are really not looking for more fantasies at all, they are searching for truth, their own personal truths. In that respect, ALL adoptee searches are successful, regardless of the outcome, in that they put to rest lingering fears and doubts once & for all, and replace them with reality.

In most cases, adoptees find very ordinary people.  Benefits of connecting with one's past include bringing a sense of connectedness to others and to the world, an inner peace, knowledge, and the real ability to go on with life.  It may be difficult for non-adopted persons to relate to what it feels like to know nothing of one's medical, genealogical, or ethnic history, to not know the circumstances that led them to where they are today, to not know anybody who shares their appearance or talents or interests.  It is shocking to find that when adoptees seek those answers they are usually told they have no right to know.  That can lead to additional, unnecessary fantasizing, usually negative, about what the big secret about them could possibly be.  To have to verbalize how deep that pain can go & how empty those missing puzzle pieces can feel & to then have to justify that to others who have taken all of those very things for granted their entire lives can seem overwhelming.  Yes, shielding self or others from possible disappointment may be well-intended. The fact remains that we all, in one way or another, adopted or not, experience disappointment sometime in our lives.  We learn and we grow.  We should not base any of our premises on assumptions that what an adult adoptee finds will turn out to be disappointing for him or her, regardless of what it is.  

It’s patronizing for anyone to suggest that an adult adoptee is better off without answers because they believe he/she will not be able to deal with the truth.  Each adoptee makes that decision for him/her self when and if they are ready to conduct a search to end their fantasies.  Furthermore, what may seem "disappointing" to an outsider may actually bring the closure they need.  Reunions can be a time when many emotions are experienced, and it's important to have a support system. It is also a process that involves self knowledge, healing, growth, and moving on. Searching is a journey where the individual is looking for answers in how they fit in the world. It is independent of how much love the adoptee experiences from other sources in their life. Regardless of whether the reunion is a lasting relationship or not is really beside the point. The first family is a part of the adoptee's identity and almost all adoptees feel it was meaningful to them to get the answers they needed.  If it results in a loving permanent relationship, then that is a bonus on top of completing the search.

Personally, I can say the outcome of searching was a very positive experience for me. I did not give up even though it took many years to complete.  I have never regretted having the answers I have today. Adoptees have often dealt with lies and deception their entire lives. Once they find their truths, nobody can ever take that away from them again.  

To sum it all up, it's normal to think about what "could be" when you're not allowed to have something tangible, most adoptees are realistic, and searching puts an end to the fantasies so it's healthy.  The success of meeting first family members does not rely on strength or permanence of those relationships.  Regardless of what others may think of the results, it still brings closure.  Good luck Florida Gal,

julie j

reunited adoptee