What did your adoptive parents do or should of done to help you adjust ?

Question

My wife and I are having our home study for foster/adoption. We will be getting an older child who was abused and or neglected in someway from their birth parent. I know that they will allways have a bond with them. We will encorage contact with the birth family and that is allowed and encouaged to do when you adopt older kids (unless there was sexual abuse).

So my question to kids that were adopted what made your adoptive family good and what made it bad. We have books just would like some first hand knoweldge

Answer 1

I cannot add more than Possum's answer.  I have not been in your position but have a cousin who adopted his wife's nieces and nephew who were neglected.  They did exactly what you plan to do - they respected that they are the children of another mom and dad and understood that there was a bond that needed to be respected.  They also educated their adopted children about alcohol abuse in a way that prepared them to lovingly deal with their first parents when they themselves became adults.

My cousin's three "bonus" kids are happy adults who understand that they have 2 moms and 2 dads - all human with human frailties.

You sound like very wise and loving people who will be able to look back on your parenting years with satisfaction.

Answer 2

This is one of the better questions I've seen on Yahoo Answers!

Good:

They accepted me for who I am, did not expect me to be like them.  They both expected and respected our differences.  

Loved me.  Cared for me.  Provided for me.  Did their best.

Mom answered my questions about my background and adoption to the best of her ability.  She was honest about what she knew and she didn't hold back any details.

Both were supportive when I decided to search for my first mother.  Mom was with me the day I finally found my first mother's name.  We were both so excited!

Did not make me feel they were treating me "as if" I was their child.  I just was.

Didn't deny that I wasn't their biological child.  They were honest with me and others that I was adopted, so there was no secret there.

Purely because of their infertility, I did not have to contend with the problems inherent with a family having biological children and adopted children.  All siblings were also adopted.

Bad:

Never seemed to think much about the point of view of my original relatives.  

Knew nothing on the subject of adoption, really.  They just did it.  I think that our family may have benefited from some education about adoptees, adoptive parents, and adoptive families.

Would not provide one of my siblings with his background information when he requested it. He was an adult at that point.

Never acknowledged the role that adoption and infertility probably played in their joint parenting experience and divorce.

Good luck to you!

Answer 3

I really appreciated "Glad you asked" answer.  That was helpful and to the point!  You can try to read some books too.  I am reading this one now and find it very helpful in understanding children and adults who have been adopted and the feelings and emotions they experience...



Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge

Answer 4

Please read more than just the books.

There are very few books on the market that show the reality of adoption - from the adoptees point of view.

Read adoptee blogs -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

And read books from this list -

http://origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?page...

And never stop reading.

Always acknowledge the child's loss - the loss of their parents, extended family, heritage etc.

Never make the child feel that they should be grateful for their existence. Biggest mistake most adoptive parents make.

Adoptees - whether adopted from birth - or through foster care - have come with their own history and background. Respect that at all times - and you will respect the adoptee.