What do I do? Hubby has been lying!?

Question

We've been married a year now & I recently found out that he was charged with domestic violence the same month we met. He was placed in the diversion program and required to attend some sort of life classes. That means he's lied about where he was when he went to these classes, lied by not telling me of the domestic violence charge, lied about where he was when he was in court each time, and on top of it the girl that filed the charge is still calling him occasionally. He has told me none of this & doesnt know that I know. I cant tell him I know for fear of what he will do. So, what should I do?

Answer 1

take him someplace there are alot of people and ask about the women

then the charges don't carry this garbage in you it will destroy you

if he doesn't change  then break camp don't be married to a liar or an women abuser you will be sorry

Answer 2

I think that only truth belongs in a marriage....so you start by setting up a safe place....go to dinner....ask him....you have the right not know...however...make it a safe place...hitters very rarely stop hitting and you have stated you are afraid of the outcome....I think you will need another back up plan...but honestly before you start having kids get this taken care of.....Until this husband I have always been with hitters....so be very careful...

Answer 3

Leave and find someone you can trust!

Answer 4

get a ticket out of town pack and leave the second he leaves for work and from somewhere far far away get the marriage annulled

Answer 5

You can't have a good marriage based on lies, I'd leave him!

Answer 6

I would move out but still talk about it with him. That's a scary situation! YOu don't want to end up being abused.

Answer 7

Three choices:

1) Walk out of him when he's not home and file for divorce;

2) Try to forget and get on with your marriage;

3) {and my preference} Try to take him to a neutral setting (restaurant is a good place) and ask him, gently, about what you've discovered and watch for his reaction.

Secrets in a marriage, THIS early in a marriage is bound to end it sooner than you'd want. It's best to get all of this out now, when not too many feelings and experiences are invested in your relationship. This isn't something small. It's a huge deal so you need to talk it out with him. I'm sure he wants to better his life {unless he's been aggressive towards you - hopefully this isn't the case} but now that you know, it's time he knows you do and it's time it's talked out.

Good luck!

Answer 8

Talk to him about it with someone else there/in public or either on the phone if you feel for your safety.  It could have been something petty and the judge didn't believe him for all you know.  He probably didn't tell you cause he didn't want something that happened affect yall.  Give him a chance to explain himself.

Answer 9

pack a bag, walk out the door and don't look back. Get out! he is not the person you thought he was, and since you have fear of what he would do, don't tell him where you are going. I would leave his but behind. If you choose to ask him about all of this, make sure you do it in a public place. Watch how he reacts and if you are scared after asking him, leave and find some place else to go. Don't go home, go to a family member's house/business, or a friends place. Just don't confront him alone.

Answer 10

If you fear talking to him then you shouldn't be married to him.  If you can't be honest with your significant other then the marriage isn't going to last.  Fearing your husband isn't an option.

Answer 11

I'm so sorry that your husband lied. You should be proud of yourself for not ignoring this. Too often we make excuses for behavior that needs to be confronted.

I would start with calling your local domestic violence program. You can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline (1-800-799-SAFE) or visiting the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence website (www.ncadv.org) to find a program near you. We provide services beyond shelter, and many provide counseling, support groups, and confidential helplines that can help you look at all your options.

If your husband doesn't know you are aware of his conviction, I would not tell him yet. If he has abused another person he will likely continue his behavior in your marriage. Abuse is about control, and the only person who can change your husband or make him stop is your husband. If he is lying about this conviction and previous relationship, he is not showing signs he wants to change his behavior and be a good husband.

While I will never say a person can't change, your husband has lied extensively, and it sounds like he was having an affair, if he was charged with domestic assault (if he had assaulted something other than a romantic partner or family member it would have been an assault charge, not domestic assault). He has also spent your money because you have to pay a probation officer and pay for the classes he was required to attend.

I would seek counseling for yourself first, and decide if you think the marriage is worth salvaging. As a person who runs a domestic violence program, my instincts tell me it is not.