What do I do?! I'm so confused....is this emotional abuse?

Question

Ok. This is hard to say. My dad yells a lot...and I'd assume that that's fairly normal....right? Anyway, he calls my mom and I names a lot.......he says a lot of stuff he probably doesn't mean........ As far as we know no alcohol or drugs are involved. He just blows up. It's been this way my whole life. He says he loves us and he's sorry and stuff....but he always does it again. He hasn't physically hurt us.....but are we being emotionally abused? I didn't even know that term existed. Maybe I'm over-reacting. I don't know. I do know that the symptoms of this kind of abuse are low self-esteem, trouble sleeping, and low trust levels. I have all of those. But what person doesn't have these problems? Isn't this normal? I don't want this to end in a divorce. I really don't. Because I love him even though he does this stuff. I'm just now really realizing what's going on as I'm 15 this year and I'm seeing a lot of stuff I must've missed as a younger kid. Please help!! Is this normal??

Answer 1

sweetheart, I know you don't want your parents to get divorced, and neither do I, but my dad seems to do the same thing sometimes. I've grown accustomed and have even grown a shield against it. I think you need to talk to your dad and ask him why he does that and tel him how it makes you feel. If you don't want to make a big deal about it just say, hey dad, want t go get an ice cream or something?, then just casually talk about it. best wishes girly =)

Answer 2

Its not normal and my Dad was/is the same way but worse. I never thought it would have an impact on me but it did, and at 21 I'm just now realizing what its done to me. I can honestly say its destroyed my life completely. I have so many mental issues it ridiculous, and I'm overwhelmed with them to the point that I know I'll never fix them and lead a normal life.

You still have a few more years of crucial development left, if you act now, you can still fix the damage that your father has done. Trust me though the damage won't show until its far too late.  

Answer 3

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. No, absolutely not! Yelling and calling names is not "normal". Yes, it happens in a lot of families. But if you are looking at a definition of a healthy, functional, loving family, being disrespectful and degrading toward family that you say you love, well, it just isn't part of the equasion.

Of course we all loose our tempers from time to time. My question for you father would be "Do you sceam and yell at the grocery clerk if someting doesn't go your way? If someone from your job disagrees with you or doesn't do what you think they should be doing, do you call them rude and insulting names in front of others?"

If the answer is yes to questions like these then your father has a major anger problem that he needs help to learn to control (or posssible mental health issues, or maybe it's physical- like a small stroke or reaction to medication- for any of these he needs help).

If the answer is no, he doesn't yell at the grocery clerk, then Yes! it is verbal, emotional abuse. The difference between the siuations is that clearly he can control the yelling when he wants to.

I'm sure you have lots of good reasons to love your Dad. However you should not have to put up with the disrespect- what ever its' source.

I suggest you wait until a time when he is calm and in a good mood. Tell him you need to talk to him about something and try something like this:

"Dad, I need to tell you some thing but its kind of hard to say it. It is real important to me though. Please listen until I'm done. When you yell at me and Mom and call us names it really hurts me and makes me feel like you don't like me. It feels very mean and even when you say that you are sorry, the hurt is still there. I want you to know that when you start to yell and say mean things that I am going to walk out of the room until you calm down and can tell me what you are upset about without being mean about it. I know I do stuff that I need to have consequences for, but I just can't let you hurt me with words the way you have been. Thank you for listening. I love you.

If you can't say this to him, write a note and then sit there while he reads it. And you probably ougt to let your Mom know what you are doing to do so she can back you up.

BTW, there are things in life more important than money, and learning that your are an important, special, amazing person is one of them. There are ways to make it without your dad's money, if it comes to that. I hope it won't

Best wishes to you

Answer 4

ur dad more than likely is a nice guy and just has some issues that he never got round to dealing with! i would suggest that he consider counselling or anger management as this is not a good environment for you or your mom to live in!

Answer 5

Yes, it is emotional abuse.  He may be bipolar.  It isn't normal to treat people this way.  

Answer 6

Sounds like it kid, abuse rears it's ugly head in many ways but words cut so much deaper. Have you had a one on one with mom? maybe the family can get help. Tell mom how it's making you feel she probily feels the same way, but I am banking on mom not wanting you hurt. It doen't mean your dad is this monster I will bet his dad screamed and belittled him, and when he's frustrated he repeates history. No it is not okay to call you names then apoligize. If mom doesn't listen talk to a aunt, grandmother ,ect. Sometimes not always when someone we love calls us enough bad names we start to believe them. Find help before that happens your worth it. good luck

Answer 7

It's okay to love your Dad but don't make excuses for his behavior. Yelling and calling names is never a positive thing in a relationship. Let him know it hurts you & maybe he'll get some help.

Edit...Here is something you can try if you want. It's not so easy to be nice to someone who's being mean but he may appreciate being acknowledged & perhaps you've already tried it.  If he seems upset , give him a hug & say something reassuring like "I know you didn't mean to hurt me (or Mom) did you? You must be under a lot of pressure & we appreciate all you do for us. Tell us what we can do to help make it better".   If he just has a bad temper there may be nothing anyone can do short of counseling or medication & you say that's not an option so you may just have to learn to view him as a person with a problem & pity him instead of letting him get to you. At least if you make efforts to be the bigger person, you can be proud of yourself for it & work on building your self esteem in spite of him. If your Dad wont get help, at least try to get some outside support for yourself & maybe your other family members as well.