What do I do about the fact that I have feelings for another?

Question

Things have been pretty stale between my husband and I lately, and now I find myself having feelings for someone else. He rarely comes out with me anymore (even for weddings and things), and he's very into work and his job, but overall he's a good man and a pretty good husband. I can't quite explain why I became emotionally available, but it seems like it's too late now to figure out the when/why/where of that. My family loves him, we own a home and pets together, and almost all of our finances are tied together ... I really can't justify divorce, but don't know how to turn off my attraction to this other person, though I don't want to cheat and make myself the bad guy or hurt my husband when he seems oblivious to the fact that there's even a problem. I can't take this anymore. I've started dealing with my stress in less-than-healthy ways, and I don't want them to continue. What do I do?

Answer 1

In a lot of ways you kind of answered your own question.

When things go stale, its because of lots of reasons, but one is a lack of taking the time to make the other person feel special. Taken for granted. Someone new makes us feel good again, and releases loads of feel good hormones in the brain.

So this other guy is just a symptom of what is missing.

You also said he is a good guy (your husband) and he seems pretty ok all round. So think hard before you make a choice.

Avoid the other guy and work on the man you are with!

I know its hard but trust me, Ive been there!  

Answer 2

This is exactly why I can't trust women.  

Answer 3

There will be stale or dull periods in a marriage.  However, what sustains a marriage with two faithful people is endurance.  You see those nice old couples who still hold hands?  Do you think they've always been on fire?  No.  But what makes them beautiful and God-blessed is that during those dull times, they gain perspective and understand that there are seasons.  

So to you I say, understand that there are seasons.  How many women can admit they have good husbands?  Not many.  The attraction you feel for this person is a longing inside of you.  It's not that you are falling in love with someone else, you just want to feel something.  So...

Start paying attention to your husband.  Call him at work.  Speak to him on the phone more than you do now.  When you see that other person, don't look his way.  Immediately think about your husband.

Just don't give in to any temptation.

I hope you find the spark again.  I would hate for your marriage to end because you couldn't endure.  It's what marriage is all about.  Be lucky you have a faithful husband that you can remain with.  I wish to God I had that.

Answer 4

Your  husband is not aware of the problem because the real problem here is a lack of communication.  I know it is scary and that your afraid you will hurt him if you talk to him about how you feel but your hurting him and yourself worse by not communicating with him.  Your relationship is going through what the majority of relationships go through eventually after two people have been together for a long time and gotten comfortable with each other.  The key is to stop making yourself available emotionally and instead make yourself emotionally vulnerable by talking to your husband about the things that matter.  Trust me, it may hurt him and it won't be easy for you either to admit that there is a problem and that for all the good in the relationship there are some things that aren't so good.  He deserves, and needs to know how you feel and just how serious an issue it is.  Guys tend to fall into the routine of life very easily and sometimes we need a good kick in the pants in order to realize we need to change things up and start paying attention and doing more so we don't lose the one we love the most in the world.  Also, remember, that attraction to someone else is normal.  The truth is that you have been with your husband long enough that the original chemical high your body produced when you were both getting to know each other has faded.  This new person is stimulating that chemical reaction in your body and that feels good and makes you feel even more distant from your husband right now.  That is why you need to completely focus on your husband and commit to trying to fix things and giving him a chance to change based upon a full understanding of what is going on.  Look at it this way, telling him fully how you are feeling may hurt but nothing like it will hurt him if you divorce him.  Better to have tried everything possible before walking away.

Answer 5

You can't justify divorce?  That statement bothers me.  If you do not love your husband and you have no feelings for him than why stay married.  Who cares if your finances are together or not.  It almost sounds like you don't want to be bothered by divorce and you want us to justify your feeling to cheat.  No you cannot do that.  If you want to cheat get a divorce first.  

Answer 6

Talk to him first and if you guys cannot come to a resolution then divorce him...remember if this other person cheats with you he will cheat on you.

Answer 7

Every one goes through this. Like gas, it will pass.

Take him to a public park and kiss him, get it out of your system  and never see him again.

Try something new with your husband. Borders has lots of books about that  

Answer 8

marriage isn't always great and i would say this is common among married couples.

i too have a good husband and i understand where you're coming from. but i don't think i would jepordize my marriage for another man.



talk to your husband, it's the first thing you should be doing.

Answer 9

Put your big girl panties on and talk to your husband, then stick to your marriage vows and stay AWAY from this other guy. I think it's disgusting that so many people think it's acceptable to cheat just because they're bored or not getting exactly what they want. It's not all about you.

Answer 10

how do you feel about Karma right around the corner waiting for you?

Answer 11

I think you know the answer. You need to have an affair with this other person. Any person will eventually get what they are not getting at home from somewhere else. We all have needs that need to be met and if they are not met, our survival instincts kick in and we get these needs met however we can.

Answer 12

This staleness you speak of happens to all of is.  It's just something we have to suck up and deal with...but no one is saying you need to stay home with him.  My hubby rarely accompanies me to family weddings (unless it's for HIS side of the family) and though it bothered me at first, I learned to just let it go.  I can still have fun with others around and when I get home, he's relaxed after working all week and I'm in a happy mood.  When he goes with me, I feel like I have to keep him entertained.  When I stay home, I feel like I'm missing out on a good time.

As far as having feelings for another, this is normal.  You just work through that as well.  Don't strike up a big friendship with this guy or else you will be tempted to cheat.  Just use him in your fantasies and don't tell your hubby about the attraction at all.  

Your marriage vows didn't say "Until the fun goes out of our relationship," so you're best off staying with him.  No matter who you were to marry, there would be problems no matter what.  If you're not willing to deal with those problems, then you're not ready to marry that person.  But it sounds like you have a great man there, and I think it would be silly to leave him because he's not fun anymore.  You need to go out and find ways to entertain yourself.  Hang out with your girlfriends more if you can! :-)

Answer 13

TALK to your husband about it, do not cheat! Remember that this other guy might not end up being a "pretty good husband" too. If things don't work and you do want to finish this, then divorce. However, you need to talk about this first, with your husband of course. Never do anything with the other person before you are divorced........ oh yeah and don't come back to your "good" husband later if you regret it..... what's done is done.

Answer 14

Talk to your husband and get counseling. you are having feelings for someone else because you aren't getting what you want from your husband, but you made a commitment to him. The feelings for the other person are a way for you to feel good right now without having to deal with the actual problem. Don't stay in it because of your family or the house, money or pets. Be open with your husband and tell him that you are even having feelings for other people (but not acting on them) and say you need to get help together. He may have no idea what is going on. And please... don't act on the feelings, at least not until divorce papers are signed. Try to put all of your attention on your husband and your marriage and decide if it is what you still want.  

Answer 15

you probably work with this other guy right? if so, you can't avoid him but keep the feelings inside until they disappear. keeping feelings in is always the best way to handle things right?

Answer 16

you stop dealing with the other, you put your feelings in pandora's box and never open it.  

you said yourself you have a good husband.  why would you want to hurt him just because you're dealing with a little bit of nothing?  TALK to him instead of another man.  make yourself emotionally available to him.

Answer 17

Talk to your husband, and get it all out in the open, you are married, and you should not be afraid to talk to your husband.

Your mind is going through emotional turmoil right now, and you want the "easy way out", well, let me tell you something, there is no "easy way out", after you talked and communicated to your husband and you still have not resolved anything, then ma by a divorce would be the answer, that, or a separation.

Just because you think the grass would be greener on the other side, does not mean it is going to be, you are upset, emotionally drained, and you want the situation to be resolved that is why you are doing these "unhealthy" things.

Talk, communicate, with your husband, if that all fails, then ma by a separation or divorce would be the solution, but, only you and you alone know the answer to your question.

Answer 18

try marriagebuilders.com--it's a discussion group run by Dr. Williard Harley. I know you are not supposed to advertise, but this is what helped me forgive and try to work through what went wrong, but most of all, I learned when it was time to let go.

My ex cheated and, long story short, our marriage ended 7 years later. But we really did give it a good shot. Marriage is worth really working on. You can heal and repair it, but I am relling you, it does take two. Two--not one.

I understand what you are going through--it really hurts. Good luck to you

Answer 19

Wake the heck up and read your own posting. He's oblivious. You said it. Only problem is you said it here and not to him. I don't mean tell him he's oblivious. Tell him how you feel about it being stale and that it's serious and that you feel like if something doesn't change you could see the marriage in deep trouble. Don't tell him about your feelings for the other guy. That's just a symptom, not the disease. Tell him you are going for counseling. And then GO. Tell him you want him to come so that the two of you can learn to communicate and find out what has to happen, but that you will go alone, if he won't go. I'm betting he will go, if for no other reason than to find out what you're saying about him. That's okay. Getting him there is half the fight.  

Answer 20

Trust me when I tell you I know what you are feeling & going thru and the WORST thing you can do is continuing to indulge  yourself with the feelings for this other person.  You are neglected and lonely and missing the relationship with your husband that you need and want and  you WILL continue to fall prey to these feelings until you get to the point of no return and justify being unfaithful!  DON'T DO IT!  What you NEEd to do is do everything in your power, emotionally, physically,  spiritually, creatively, verbally, etc to get the focus and attention of your husband BACK where it belongs so that you are giviing your heart, time and effort in a healthy way TOGETHER towards your home, family& marriage.

Make an appointment with a marriage counselor, just for you at first and tell him about it, you've got to get serious, consistent and straight forward with him UNTIL HE UNDERSTANDS the seriousness of this.  Been here hun - you do NOT want to do this to yourself, your family & kids, your life it is a h**l on earth TRUST ME!  If he isn't getting it then you be relentless until he does get it!  IF you put enough time, effort, energy and focus on him and fixing what is wrong as you are spending in fantasy or uhealthy feelings towards this other person - you just might make a difference!

There is no gray area here, no fence sitting, no safe place where this is slightly ok or a little wrong.... YOU are in dangerous territory and you need a WAKE UP CALL and I am trying my hardest to give it to you!  I've spent the past two years trying to repair and heal and it is still h**l every single day because of choices I made just like you - listen to me PLZ and don't go there for another second of another day!

Answer 21

First thing you need to do is make your husband aware of your feelings. He can't help you if he doesn't even know. He is your best friend i hope you will seek counseling because it sounds like you do love him you just lost your fire and i promise if you want it back you can find it but you have to want it...Good luck