What do I do about this awkward wedding 'surprise'?

Question

My mother-in-law-to-be called me this evening to tell me some news: apparently a friend of the family of my fiance's from California wants to 'surprise' him by coming to stay for a week before the wedding and attend the wedding (... we live in Indiana). The trouble is that this friend is a gal that has had a crush on him for most of their lives. She was in a 5-year relationship with a doppelganger of my fiance and they just broke it off. My mother-in-law-to-be plans on housing her for a week before the wedding and told me she plans on sending the girl with us for my bachelorette night. The whole situation sounds awkward to me and is stress I don't want 3 weeks before my wedding. It's not that I don't trust my fiance, it's that I don't know this girl (have never met her) and don't quite understand the her (or my fiance's mother's) intentions. The worst part is that I can't share this with my fiance... it's supposed to be a surprise.

Any advice?

Answer 1

Was this girl even invited to the wedding?  I would not let her come to the bachelorette party since you don't know her. I didn't invite my husband's best man's wife, even though I met her a couple of times, because I don't really know her.  If she was not invited to the wedding, to bad..so sad!  I would not accommodate for some one who wants to come so late in the game.  Who would she sit with anyway?  I would tell her that it is a bad idea because he is going to be so busy that week before the wedding that there will be no time for them to visit, except when you are both together.

Answer 2

If your MIL is planning on sendin her to YOUR bachelorette party, tell her politely to plan on sendin her @$$ back on the plane where she came from!

That would just straight p**s me off! Stand up to the MIL!

Answer 3

I would tell your FMIL that you do not want her at your bachelorette party because you do not know her. It's supposed to be a fun night out for you and your girls, but the ex-girlfriend would just make it awkward.

Otherwise, I think you're just going to have to put up with her. Once she arrives and your to-be-husband is 'suprised', talk to him and explain how uncomfortable it makes you feel that she is there and staying with his parents, and that you don't really want her involved in anything other than as a wedding guest.

Just remember, you're the one that is marrying him, not her. So once she's back in California, you have him forever. 8)

Good luck!

Answer 4

How important of a friend can she possibly be if you have never even met her?  And it is your wedding, not a surprise birthday party.  The only woman who should be showing up and surprising him with anything is YOU.  Your fiance's mother doesn't seem to have good intnetions in mind here.  I am with the others and say forget the surprise and tell your fiance.  He may not be comfortable with the situation either.  If you two hadn't already invited her to the wedding then there is probably a reason he didn't find it necessary to have her there.  He is obviously not intersted in her so i wouldn't worry about that but that doesn't mean her intentions are not soemthing of the "my best friend's wedding" sort.  I would talk to your fiance and tell him your concerns and see how he feels, that way if there is an issue he can take it up with his mother.  You should not have to be worrying about that so close to your wedding.  But congratulations anyway!

Answer 5

I agree with the others. Everyone likes a good surprise, but he might not like this one. Tell him.

Answer 6

Tell him right now!

That sort of surprise will not be pleasant for him, in fact he might be furious at his mother for doing this she was not invited.  If the MIL had said that to me I would tell her I am sorry but I am not having strangers at my party or my wedding so the girl will have to just stay at her house and twiddle her thumbs!

Answer 7

OK--was she in a relationship w/your husband-to-be?  Were they ever involved?  Childhood crushes do tend to hang on, but mostly in a nostalgic, bittersweet sort of way.  If she's been with someone else for 5 years I doubt she's torn up about your fiance.  So I wouldn't worry about her coming.

However if you don't know her, why should she come to your bachelorette? Maybe your mother-in-law is trying to be nice by sending her out partying.  But if she just broke up w/someone, it might just be depressing for her.  Tell your mother-in-law that you appreciate her intentions but you'd really like your bachelorette to be for close friends only.  If she tries to convince you otherwise, just keep saying no.  It's all you can do here--you can't stop the girl from coming to the wedding, especially if she was invited!!

Answer 8

I'd still tell your fiance...I think she's trying to stir up trouble

Answer 9

Sometimes surprises are meant to be ruined in the best interest of the situation.  You could ask your fiance what he would do if this was to happen (hypothetical). You would have your answer.  Or you could ask his mom what her intentions are and why she chose to do this without discussing how it would make you feel.  Either way you would have your answer

Answer 10

I'm really not sure what your FMIL's intentions are but at the very least, she did bother to tell you. Imagine if she "surprised" you as well the night of your bachelorette party! So perhaps she is not entirely malicious after all.

I would definitely begin by telling your fiance and expressing your concerns. But don't forget to tell your MIL as well, she deserves to know that you plan on telling him or have told him already.

At this point, just bow out. Let your fiance handle the negotiations. Thats the best part of being in a relationship, having someone else take the fall for you.

I don't know how you plan to handle thing, but I would ask my fiance to let his mother know that:

-Your bachelorette party is a very intimate party for you and your closest friends, organized by you and your closest friends. He wouldn't want anyone intruding on that special occasion and wouldn't want either you or the other girl to feel uncomfortable

-He doesn't want the girl to stay with his mother. On this occasion her home should be a refuge for closest friends and family only. She doesn't fall into either of those categories. His mom will be part of the most intimate details of the wedding, and by proximity so will this girl. He should not be willing to allow anyone who didn't earn it to be a part of that.

-There is no reason for her to be around for a week. This will be an extremely hectic and chaotic week for everyone. Again, she is not welcomed in the inner circle. In which case, the argument regarding her staying with someone else becomes even more valid. If she does in fact come for a week her time should not spent with the wedding or the wedding party. She is more than welcome to enjoy the city and meet with other friends and have a good time as long as it doesn't get anywhere near the wedding

-Finally, she is most graciously invited to attend the wedding as a guest. This is the only function where she will receive an invitation. And yes, it will be a formal invitation. There is no reason for her to want to surprise your fiance and he should make that clear to her.

This is really an awkward situation, I wonder if you could keep us updated!

Answer 11

I would tell the fiance. I think this is slimy that his mother would do that.  Is she even on the invite list?  I certainly wouldn't invite any of my guy's long time ex-gf's or ex-wives.  However, DON'T let your guy be in the dark.

Answer 12

I completely agree with the others. You're about to get married and be huband and wife. You need to be able to share information that's important to your relationship as well as your feelings about a situation. He should understand that you had to ruin the surprise for the sake of not hurting your feelings.

Answer 13

Tell your man - and have him tell his mom to cancel the plans.

Answer 14

First of all, TELL YOUR FIANCE.

Ok, that being said, tell her that your bridesmaids have planned your bachelorette party and, in order for her to "come along" she HAS to clear it with them. Then, make sure you tell the bridesmaids that you absolutely do not want her there & to not let your FMIL have her way.

With the wedding, simply state that there simply is no where for her to sit. State that you already gave the hall your final head-count and have all the table-seating arrangements made. If she tries to see if she can come after dinner, then, just flat out state that you only want people there that both you & your finace want there. It's your wedding not here's &, if she tries to say "well, she's a good friend of ____ (your fiance)", then, simply state that he obviously does not feel that way, as he didn't want to invite her to the wedding.

Your FMIL definitely seems to have somthing up her sleeve, so, you need to tell your fiance ASAP , so you will have someone on your side (otherwise, he may just still be in shock)

Now, I know you said that you didn't want to tell him , as your FMIL said it was a surprise for him, well, she obviously doesn't care about your feelings by pulling this stunt, so, why should you care about hers ?

You definitely do not need this type of stress so close to your wedding (heck, you don't need it at all).

Maybe, if your fiance tells his mom that HE doesn't want her around, she'll get the picture, but, either way, you do not want her to be apart of any of it, as you do not know what she may pull. She may try to get you to do something at your b-rette party & show your FMIL or fiance (or, even just lie about something that never happened) , or, during your reception, she may pull some sort of stunt ( like grabbing the mic & professing her love to him or have a crying "breakdown" about her recent break-up in front of everyone, thus causeing a scene & also taking the attention away from you)

Answer 15

Time to start learning how to stand up and deal with the mother in law.  You need to tell her what you told us about this surprise.  I would tell her that you are not comfortable with the situation and do not want this girl at you functions.  She will do what she wants but you will have laid the ground work that you are not going to just lay down and take her little surprises.  do not let this get to you because that is what it is designed to do.  Tell the woman that you do not appreciate her inviting this girl to your shower or to stay in home with your fiance.  Stand up now girl, or be ready to roll over for the rest of your life.