What do I do about with my 5 year old and her temper tantrums?

Question

I am a single mother raising my 5 year old daughter alone, she has been having these awful tantrums when she doesn't get her way she will scream at the top of her lungs and cry until she hyperventilates. She will tug and pull at what ever I am wearing, I will have to forcefully drag her down the hall to get her in her room and then close the door while holding on to the handle on the other end. She will pound on the door and kick it. And then when I am at the end of my rope I threaten to call her father who is in the picture but would much rather not deal with any of this.

When I finally do get him on the phone she will scream every time i speak and try to avoid him from hearing what I say. Then he does nothing the situation and tells her its ok. And so entire tantrum goes unsolved. She is 5 and she overpowers me. I have spanked her, smacked her, taken away privileges and grounded her. Nothing is working for me and I am at the end of my rope.

Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

Answer 1

If you are at home, I wouldn't bother to drag her to her room.  I'd walk away from  her, and let her have her blow up.  She's looking for attention, even negative attention, and you're giving it to her in spades.  She may be even trying to get her father's attention, and that, of course happens when you get him on the phone.

But if she's not given any feedback to give her attention, she'll stop soon enough.  You'll have to endure a week or two of screaming temper tantrums, but she'll ultimately figure out that this isn't working, and she may try another tack.  Reward her for asking nicely, or acting in a positive way.  

If you're in public and she blows, get  her to the car, lock her in and stay outside and turn your back to her. (so you aren't giving her attention, but you're monitoring her safety).  

Edit:  Keep on ignoring her if she throws things at you and kidproof everything that might injure you.  Don't react at all.  But DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE.  Sit on the couch and read a book or magazine.  Hook up your Ipod and listen to music.... get headphones and listen to TV.  But the message has to be "I'm not leaving, but I'm not listening either."

Again, this isn't easy and it will take a lot of time and effort.  Hang in there.

Answer 2

That is tough. You need to form a unified approach with her father. Tell him that it's serious! You're struggling because calling him is a threat to your daughter - but there are no consequences because her father isn't doing anything about it like scolding her.

Have you tried straight out ignoring her? Let her know that yelling gets her nowhere.  

Answer 3

First make a list of rules, explain each one to her, and put them up where they can be seen.  Some no-no's should be no hitting, no throwing, no screaming fits.  When she does break one of the rules, explain to her that she has broken such and such rule and she will be placed in time out for 5 minutes (get a timer).  If she wanders from the space you've chosen for time out (stop the timer), take her by the hand and bring her back to the spot.  Keep going with this until she has actually sat for 5 minutes.  Do not speak to her until her time out is complete, no matter how loud she screams or else it gives her negative attention and in her mind a reward for her bad behavior.  When she's done, explain to her that she was wrong in breaking the rule and that she needs to apologize to you, then give her a big hug.

Also you can at the same time use positive reinforcement.  Use a fish bowl and some colored bouncing balls.  When your daughter obeys  you, have her add a bouncy ball to the bowl.  When she breaks a rule, have her remove a ball.  At the end of the week, the number of balls she has is the number of specials things she gets to do or buy (choose something she really enjoys such as going to the movies, park, etc.)

Above all give her lots of your time, attention, praise & encouragment when she is not misbehaving.  The divorce is probably causing a lot of her problems as in most cases kids have grown out of temper tantrums by 5.  Speak with her dad and ask him to help out by using the same type discipline and also ask him to give her lots of encouragment and attention when she's doing well.

I don't in any way think spanking is wrong, but it looks like in your daughters case it doesn't work.  It actually can make the problem worse because she is at least getting bad attention (the spanking) which reinforces her temper fits.

Best of luck.  I truly hope everything works out for you.  

Prayer doesn't hurt either.  

Answer 4

Obviously spanking doesn't work. This is proof.

How about taking some parenting courses on discipline in your neighbourhood. You will meet parents in similar situations and gain a support network. You will learn techniques to be a strong, confident parent. Your daughter seems angry and she needs you to be strong and stand up to her. If she overpowers you now, what will happen when she is a teen and takes your car, your money etc. I would act fast now before it's too late.  

Answer 5

When you say you have tried spanking and it hasn't worked--has it been a meaningful spanking and done consistently?

In order to work a spanking has to give a good ouch, within reason, of course. The most effective and safest way to do this is the traditional pants down spanking. I know when I was a kid it made a much bigger impression--and there is no doubt it does with my kids as well. And one of my best friends, who was having  the same type of problems as you, told me this simple old fashion technique was "miraculous."

Equally important is consistency. Whenever she starts this behavior she gets it--no exceptions. That is the hardest part.

Unless there is some deep rooted psychological problem this will solve tantrums in nothing flat.

Answer 6

You need to buy yourself a paddle and USE it.