What do I do with my out of control daughter?

Question

my daughter turned 15 about a month ago

and she is seeing an 18 year old!

without my approval,

they are going to parties, and clubs, she is being photographed and I do not like this.

I see her photos on the interent and her father is also getting very upset.

my daughter never behaved like this until she met this guy.

I do not know what to do with her

SHE GOT HOME AT 3 AM TODAY, i am scared that she will begin to use drugs.

me and my husband have been talking and decided that we should send her to a boarding school/r home.

she was diagnosed with depression at the age of 13.

what do we do? should we send her to boarding school in england?

we live in california.

Answer 1

BOARDING SCHOOL is an option.  Intervention is needed unless you want to be a grandmother very soon or be visiting her in rehab.

Answer 2

Hi there,

NOTE: This is my personal opinion. I am not a medical professional. Use my advice at your own discretion. You know what is best under the circumstances...

It seems to me that you have a lot on your plate right now. But trust me, you are not the only person who is having problems with their teen!

First things are first: You have to understand the root of the problem.  Put yourself in your daughter's shoes. You are a 15 year old again, in high school. Very impressionable age. A very attractive 18 year old guy asks you to attend a party. Again, you are 15 years old, not a mature mother! I think that most (not all) 15 year olds would say yes. Now, this handsome guy tells you that he "loves" you. Very romantic. Right? But your parents don't approve. Guy or family? Your daughter probably feels pretty torn up, I suppose. All right, so you and this guy are going out. He invites you to another party, and there are lots of girls his age. But he picked you. Hmm...maybe you can meet one of these girls his age. Gosh, everyone here is older than me. They seem nice enough...Oh my god. He's asking me if he can take some pictures of me! Should I say yes? If I say "no" maybe he will break up with me? You take a deep breath. He asks you again, and tells you he loves you...

This is just an imaginary situation that I would imagine your daughter is in right now (I am not sure if all of that is true, but it could be; I don't know all of your circumstances, really.) But anyway, put yourself in your daughter's shoes like that. So, now you know where your daughter stands.

Well, what are you going to do about it now?  I know that you may want to send her to a boarding school, but I don't think (my opinion) that it is a good idea. You have to be there for your daughter, not send her away from you! She needs your guidance and support right now...One day, she is going to thank you, but probably not today. You have to do what you feel is right for your daughter. I can't tell you what to do, but I can suggest a few things that might help, okay?

1. Talk to her.     The best way for her to open up with you (which I do not think she feels comfortable doing at the moment, if she does things behind your back-- she might think you would get angry with her, or judge her or her boyfriend) is to talk to her. Alone, just you and her. You can take her out to dinner one day, or go for a walk around the block. You could talk with her-- just you and her-- in her room, anywhere where you guys can connect. Just don't accuse her of anything, and nomatter how angry you may feel, don't show it (yet). Just remain calm and get her side of the story. Tell her how you feel about this. Guide her.

2. Talk with your husband.  You are certainly not alone in this. You can support him, and he can support you. I'm pretty sure that this is a very difficult situation for both of you, so talk it over with him.

3. You may need to take some action, though.      Punishments, stricter rules, daily schedules, etc. may need to be put into place. If you do not think it is appropriate or acceptable for your daughter to go to parties until 3 in the morning, then speak up! Show your daughter that you are in control. She may not like it, but you have to stick to your word. If you say she has to be home by 10, make sure you mean it...Make sure you know exactly where she is all the time. She is your daughter, and you want to best for her, right? This might mean stricter rules to keep your daughter SAFE.

5. Internet pictures? What internet pictures?           So, about the pictures of your daughter on the internet...I'd make sure that I talk to her about it. Show her those pictures, and tell her that  you disapprove. Gently but assertively, tell her that its not appropriate, in your opinion, and that she will not do that again. Have them deleted by a webmaster. I think that you can talk to the police about having them deleted, if they are particularly inappropriate.

6. Moniter.            You can moniter your daughter's phone calls, email, etc. to make sure that she does not talk to the guy. Make sure that she has good friends (her age) and make sure that you meet her friends (slumber party, anyone?) to approve of them.

Anyways, you can also talk to your doctor or a therapist for more tips and suggestions about what to do about your daughter...

Remember, these are just some tips, follow them at your own discretion. YOU are the mother, not me. So make your choices under the circumstances.

I wish you all the best with your daughter. I hope this helps. Good luck!

Answer 3

She is underage and he is 18...isn't the law the same in California as all states? Get a restraining order on him and make sure police have this information filed.

Answer 4

It''s no use looking back and thinking ...we should have done this, we should have done that...what you need to do now.. is set down some very firm rules...she is much to young to be out that late ,no matter what she is doing. You and your husband need to band together and deal with this right now...don't send her away , it's only sending the problem away but the problem will still be there. Don't allow her to do what she wants to do..if she breaks the rules then there must be consequences , it's very important that you make the rules clear and never go back on them...let your yes mean yes and your no mean no. She is at an age where she is trying to push the boundaries but deep inside her she needs to know that she has someone there to pull her back from the edge...also remember you are the adults /parents and you know what is best for your  15yr old daughter..don't fall for any of her emotional blackmail. She wont thank you , today ,or tomorrow , but she will thank you somewhere/sometime down the road .

Answer 5

its not your daughters fault and not the guys' fault...you shouldve put your foot down a long time ago...im a mother of two daughters and havent had any problems...one got with a "bad boy" but soon realized that he wasnt the way to go..

you were too lenient with your daughter and now its too late to tighten the reigns...

youre as much to blame as your daughter and this guy...

its sad u want to send her away cause you cant handle her...step up, put your foot down..even though u shouldve done it sooner...dont put your "problem" on someone else

Answer 6

What have you been doing?  If the answer is ‘nothing really, but trying to talk to her’ (and I suspect that may be the answer, because not once did you mentioned the word 'police'), it’s time to BE A PARENT.  Don’t use the fact that ‘she’s depressed’ as an excuse to let her run wild (which will only get worse).

Here’s what I’d do:

First, I’d get a restraining against every one of these people that she’s hanging out with.  Then if there’s contact of any type (even a phone call), call the cops.  Trust me, once they become aware of the fact that their butt will be sitting in jail if they have any contact with her—they’ll stop it.

Then, I’d ground her indefinitely, and if she was pissed about it (and she will be)—too bad, she brought it on herself.  She wouldn’t leave my house other than to go to school, and I’d take her to school and pick her up from school every day (to ensure that she didn’t attempt a ‘side-trip’).  Her phone privileges and internet privileges would cease to exist.  If she snuck out of my house (and I’d be watching her like a hawk to ensure that didn’t happen), then I’d call the police and have them pick her up.

Tough consequences?  Absolutely.  But you have a 15-year-old who’s partying until 3 AM, it’s way past time for tough consequences.

I assume she's in counseling (due to the depression)?  If not, get her in it.

If you want to send her to boarding school, there are plenty of them in the US, and it would allow you quicker access to her/the school should there be any issues.

Answer 7

don't let her go out of the house at all you are the mother and father so you make the rules and if she does sneak out call the cops on her that should help my sister in law is having a problem similar to yours and she just makes it were she cant go out

Answer 8

Do what you have to do, just don't do nothing. She is after all still underage. When you do send her somewhere, make sure they know about her tendency to depression. That needs to be taken seriously, because it could be because of that diagnosis that she is the way she is. Your fear of her doing drugs is understandable, because many people with depression will try street drugs to numb that pain. Maybe she already is using street drugs. Act now!

Answer 9

you wanting to send her to boarding school just bc shes a teenager and trying to have fun and grow up is dumb... im 17 and my bf is 20!! i was 16 and he was 19 when we started to date.. and my mom didnt make a deal of it bc he treats me right and im happy with him.. now it be differ if he was like 23 24... but hes not.. anyways i think your over reacting just a bit.. shes getting older and 18 is still young.. its just old enough to do what you want. so id say leave her alone!! let her have fun and have a bf.. so what hes 18.. not like hes 30... and as long as shes not doing drugs.. or getting into trouble why make a big deal?

Answer 10

She's probably seeing this 18 year old BECAUSE you disapprove. Maybe she thinks you are too strict, or maybe she doesn't really like you.

You have a total and absolute right to be angry as h**l, but if she just recently started to act like this, she's...

A) Trying to be cooler

B) She really, really likes this guy.

If she tries drugs, just let her. Almost every teen has tried smoking cigarettes and pot. While LSD and cocaine aren't as common, she still may try it. But just because she's dating this guy, doesn't mean she's going to try drugs. Don't just assume things. (I'm not trying to deny your feelings as a mother)

I don't think you should send her away. Who knows what she'll do when she's out of your discipline?

Answer 11

Parenting a teen is the toughest job in the world and even tougher if they start using drugs. At that point you have lost them. My son did meth for a few years and there was not much I could do. He was out of control. Why are you allowing her to go out to these parties? She is too young. This is the age my son started so you have got to establish control. You are in charge, not her, If you dont think she should go out so no. Depression and drug abuse go hand in hand. Make sure she is getting help, meds or whatever she needs for the depression. She has to feel like you care. Start trying to get her to open up to you. Also, encourage her to hang with girls her own age. Going down the wrong path might seem fun to her now, but it will lead to a life of despair and dysfunction. I am not sure a boarding school is the right thing, She needs you now.

Answer 12

Don't yell at her about it, she will run away to rebel. Tell her to calm down a little bit. If you notice her behavior getting worse, I suggest that you send her to the boarding school.

Answer 13

You just need to have a good chat with your daughter, WITHOUT YELLING. I think it's completely fine for your daughter to be taking pictures at parties with a guy, but coming home at 3AM is definitely overstepping the boundaries. Just tell her it's okay for her to hang out with friends, but give you a call every so often and come home before 10 or 11PM, at the latest. Otherwise, just ground her. She's dealt with depression before, and sending her to a boarding school out of the country will probably bring her depression back. Don't force her too much. Just try to compromise with her.

Answer 14

Why not try some at home discipline first? Ground her. No car, no cell phone/house phone, no tv, no internet, no going out with friends, extra chores. Tell her "boyfriend" that he is not welcome at your home and (if he still lives with his parents) tell his parents that your daughter is not allowed at their house. If he comes over, call the cops & have him arrested for trespassing. When school starts make it so your daughter is only allowed to go to straight to school & straight home. Its harsh, but lockdown will at least get her away from him.

If she still doesn't straighten up - why not try a private boarding school or a military school in the US before you send her 1/2 way across the world.

Answer 15

i would sugest you sit down and talk to ur daughter

i aslo thing sending her away is a bad idear as u cant send her to bording school for ever

i also think you should get profesional help  

good luck with her x

Answer 16

throw his pedo *** in jail... hello  statutory rape

Answer 17

No, do not send her to boarding school. This will make her feel like you don't love her, that's the way young teens think. I would suggest putting your foot down, sit her down and talk to her calmly. Don't accuse her of anything! Don't yell at her! This will make her get defensive. Tell her that you don't approve of her life style, and show, don't tell, show her why. Find a program where real life teens have started out where she is now and ended up in prison or dead. Show her what she could become if she gets her life back on track. College, marriage, children, a career, a home, these are all things she will never have if she continues down the path she's on. I would also suggest that you let her know, don't make it sound like a threat, that you will call the police if she doesn't stop seeing this guy. He's 18 and it is illegal for him to be with her if you don't approve!

Answer 18

Sending her to boarding school is totally silly, it is suppose to giving love and care to them at this age, well all you have to do now is sit her down and listen to her, do not yell to her and empathy for ur girl's situation. After listen her talk, just tell her what make you feel upset......

If it still doesn't work, lock her down in home and take away her cellphone or so  until she recognizes her fault.

  

Answer 19

Number one who is in charge in your home the adults or the child.  This man is involving your daughter in all kinds of illegal behavior.  Have you talked to the authorities yet.  I smell pedophile.  Have you had her checked by a doctor.  Have you collected the pictures from the internet?  He has already committed a nice list of crimes, transport of a juvenile across state line,(kidnapping).  Photographing and publishing photos of a juvenile without parental consent.  Providing alcohol to a minor.  Hello wake up PARENTS!!!!!!!  Call the police!!!!!   This is the ultimate case of TOUGH LOVE.   You can have her placed in an institution for thirty days or more for psychiatric evaluation which would buy you time and get help to figure out what next.  Stop this now before she becomes another statistic.