What do I say to him now?

Question

Ok, my fiance and I have been planning our wedding and talking about our future. We love to spend time with his niece and nephew but we usually spend a few hours with them and that's all. Over the past few days his sister has been forcing him to babysit his niece (he's got a few days off work) and giving him a guilt trip when he says he can't. I'm taking the baby tomorrow but I'm angry at the way his sister has been treating him. My fiance has had to deal with not knowing how to take care of a baby and his sister screaming at him that he isn't doing anything right... He's actually been doing a pretty good job of it, but she keeps telling him he's stupid and will be an awful father. Well, we were talking over dinner and he told me that he isn't sure if he wants children. This is a big blow to me as I want at least one child. I understand how he feels, and I'm not going to leave him or call off the wedding if he decides he doesn't want a child. I just want to let him know that his sister is just being rude and can't be happy for anyone. I also want to let him know that he is a great guy and would be a great father if he would just give parenting a chance. What do I say to him?

Answer 1

I don't know how anyone can "force" a grown man to babysit if he chooses not to. Don't be angry at his sister-- be angry at him for not having the nuts to stand up to her and just say no.

Answer 2

If he doesn't want kids, you'd better call off the wedding. Guys don't change their minds about that stuff.

Answer 3

I feel bad for your fiance having to deal with all of this - he has some time off work and he is generously helping out - despite the fact that he is new at all of this. It can be a pretty scary and overwhelming thing.

Just tell him that you love and respect his sister - but you don't like the way that she is treating you in regards to babysitting, etc.

When he is babysitting and you are around be sure to tell him he is doing a good job and that you think he is handling everything beautifully.

Tell him that you think that he will make a wonderful father and it will be so much different when it is actually his child.

After that, just let it go...eventually things with his sister and the baby will cool down once he goes back to work. Then he won't be constantly hearing all that negative stuff from her. Right now he is just overwhelmed by the baby and by his sister.

The most important part that you said was, "I'm not going to leave him or call off the wedding if he decides he doesn't want a child." That's good that you feel that way about him because even though this probably is just a phase right now considering what is going on he may decide he really doesn't want a child...and you are willing to accept that.

You also might want to pull the sister aside and just gently tell her that you and your fiance are doing her a favor by helping out - it really hurts when you give up your time only to be yelled at. Your fiance is doing the best that he can...

Don't worry - things will all work out in the end. Just be sure to let your fiance know how much you love him.  

Answer 4

Say just what you said here... say exactly that to him...  

Answer 5

Say to him the same thing you said to here but maybe do it over a nice quiet dinner. Communication is very important! This is the man you will be with forever best to start off being open and honest.

Answer 6

Did he want kids before? Is this the first time he said he wasn't sure he wanted children? If he has wanted kids the whole way, I wouldn't take this statement of exasperation too seriously. But if he's been consistent in maintaining he didn't want children, then you should be concerned.

Answer 7

I also want to let him know that he is a great guy and would be a great father if he would just give parenting a chance---

you say exactly that!

His sister may be overbearing and the children may be a little overwhelming now, but I bet he will eventually want his own, and there's nothing like having your OWN child. Just keep him encouraged and give him the time he will need.

Answer 8

Don't worry, Im sure he'll change his mind.  He is just frustrated.  All guys say that, but guess which parent ends up spoiling the kids!  

Answer 9

Maybe you should talk to the sister and tell her that if she doesn't like the way your fiance and you are with the kids, she should find someone else to watch them. Or tell her, that you can't watch them anymore because of her bad attitude toward you guys. Be firm and don't back down.  About the having no kids thing, he'll probably change his mind on that one. He's just feeling crappy and insecure about being a good father because of what his sister is telling him. Just let him know that you love him and  you love is not conditional.  

Answer 10

tell him that no matter how close he is to his nieces and nephews it will not compare to his own child.  Trust me everything come automatically to a parent, not just the moms.  And you will love your child alot more then any niece of nephew just because they are yours! Plus there will be no one to critise him on his parenting!