What do I say to my boyfriend/fiance?

Question

Basically, my boyfriend asked me to marry him last summer and I said yes. I knew as soon as he told me he loved me that we were going to be together forever. Basically we have just had a secret understanding that we are getting married but not talked about the wedding etc. A few weeks ago, I asked him what was happening because he never gave me a ring, I couldnt tell anyone and it was really frustrating.

He said that he was trying to show he loved me and wanted to do it sometime in the future, he didn't mean that he wanted to make it official etc. I understood that, but we have been talking about it more, have decided where we want to get married (St Mawes Castle in Cornwall) and are thinking more seriously about it but still no ring!! I know it makes me sound like a complete cow but the way he's done it means that we aren't officially engaged until I get a ring.

We are now thinking about buying a house and moving to the other side of the country (mainly for him as he's from there but I want a fresh start too) but I don't want to get in a mortgage without at least being engaged. Money's tight and I'm not expecting a Tiffany ring or anything, I don't care about how much it costs, its more the significance that it's there.

What do I do?? We know we have each other forever, and the fact that I won't sleep with him until we are married, kind of made me think he'd be more excited about it!!

He has a lot of insecurities with money, and I think it's mainly because he can't afford the ring he wants to get me that he won't get one.

HELP!!! What do I do?? it sucks to be in this position, I don't really know where I stand.

thanks :D

Answer 1

Hey... in this case why don't you make the first move...the second, i mean!

He has already professed his love and you say that money is tight for him to buy the ring...so i would suggest that you get a ring, propose and make the engagement official.

It would mean a kind of security to you and will also make it memorable.

Answer 2

An engagement doesn't require a ring. But has he actually asked you to marry him, or have you just talked about getting married? Like you, I would feel very hesitant to invest a large amount of money in a house with someone who waffles on their commitment to me.

So say this:

"Bob, I love you and I can see spending the rest of my life with you. I don't need a ring - but I do need a date. When are we going to get married? It's really important to me, emotionally and financially, that we have this settled before we buy a house."

If he's not willing to set a wedding date, he's not ready to commit to a life with you. Only you can decide if you're willing to wait on something that may or may never happen, or if you need to find someone who is more on the same page as you in terms of the future.

Answer 3

go shopping with him and show him that he can get you a small solitaire in white gold for 100$... tell him on the 1st or 5th anniversary you can upgrade it.

Sounds to me like he might have thought he could have gotten the milk for free after he made a shallow promise.  

Answer 4

Just talk to him and tell him, that if its the money you don't care. But you do want something to show to everyone. Even if its a 10 dollar ring, but you want to show everyone a ring so they can see with their own eyes that he loves you. And the ring makes it official.

But i get something else from your story. Maybe he doesn't want to get married but told you this so he can have s*x.

Another thing can be that he told you this to get your hopes up and so you wont leave him. He told you he would marry you but didn't say when, so it can be over 10 years or maybe never. But just by saying those word he got you and you wouldn't leave him for someone else that easilly.

Money can be a downfall in any relationship. Maybe he doesn have enough and feel ashamed or he doesn't want to share the money with you. Because as you know when you get married everything is split equally. If money is his problem then a pre nob. What's your is your and what's his is his.

Good luck

Answer 5

How frustrating for you!

What concerns me here is your statements of there being a "secret understanding" about the engagement and that you can't tell anyone.  I'm also concerned about your statement of "he didn't mean he wanted to make it official".  That, in my mind, says you are not engaged and he was just saying it.  I hate to say it, but it seems as though he though saying he wanted to marry you would make you more likely to sleep with him before.

Even without a ring, you should feel free enough to discuss it with others so they can share your happiness at being engaged.  Secrecy about it is not a good sign.

He could have purchased even a small inexpensive ring for you.  It doesn't even have to be diamonds.  Your feelings are important here.  I don't think you're being unreasonable by wanting a small token of his commitment to you.  He seems very reluctant to do that.

If you truly love him and want to work this out, you're going to have to confront the situation head on.  You have a right to know where you stand in this relationship.  If he can't give you a straight answer, then you know he is not committed to you.

Good luck.

Answer 6

I think you might be concentrating to much on the fact that you don't have a ring on your finger. You state that you know you are going to be together for the rest of your lives so be patient if its going to happen than it will. You have to ask yourself are you in a rush to get a ring so you can be married? If that is the case tell him that you want to get married wether he gets you a ring or not. Having a ring on your finger doesn't represent the kind of love that exist between the two of you. I know women who have the finest rings and yet are unhappy and i also know women with rings made from silver who are more in love then words can ever say. Remember men and women are very different he might not care about rings to show you he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you but if its important to you then be patient and im sure he will surprise you with the ring you've always wanted.

Answer 7

well do you REALLY need a ring to be engaged? can you not just ask him to make it official and say that the ring can wait until he can afford the one he wants to get you?

Answer 8

slap him.

Answer 9

If he is willing to share his life with you, he needs to trust you enough with his money. If the trust isn't there, you shouldn't be getting married.

Answer 10

yeah i know exactly how you feel. i want to be married already. we are having a baby! I'm like you, i don't need anything expensive. for some reason he doesn't think a ring should prove our love for each other. it frustrates me all the time. i want a simple wedding band and a small wedding in a court house (that would be good enough for now) but its just not happening. every time i bring it up, he just pushes it aside. we both know we are going to be together forever. i hate how men always put things aside, especially when its really important to us. they just don't seem to get it sometimes.

Answer 11

If I were you, I'd approach the situation jovially. Joke around a bit. I can't tell you exactly what to say, it's more of an in the moment type thing. But play around at it and then if he opens up a little you can take it from there. If the opportunity arises tell him that you love him and it really doesn't matter what the ring looks like or how much it costs. Just tell him that you want to show everyone that you're taken, and proud to be.  

Answer 12

I would go to him and tell him exactly what you just told us. If he loves you, he will be able to understand where you are coming from. You have the right to know where you stand. This is the stuff you have to tell him. Best of luck, I hope there is a ring on your finger soon.

Answer 13

Like I told my daughter when she told me she was getting married.."Ain't no ring, ain't no thing."  I have a cheap wedding ring that I picked out and bought myself.  It's just a ring, but even if you can be cheap about it, get one.  I didn't have an engagement ring, just a wedding band (but this isn't my first marriage)

Now he's bought me beautiful rings that I wear "out", but not every day. But still my wedding band was less than $100.  I don't care, as I love him so and the ring only symbolizes the union, not the love or money.

Good Luck, and stop worrying about it.