What do I say to my daughter ?

Question

I haven't seen her since she was 2yrs. and yes it hurt like h**l when I left, Now she is 22 and beautiful as can be,I have a picture, Mom didn't tell her yet but is going to real soon. I want her to understand what happened with out her hating me. If I had it my way it would have been different, I don't want to blame Mom either, we did what we had to do. For years people has known about my mysterious daughter, and thought I was naive about ever seeing her again. She is about to find out that I am her Dad, and I don't know what to do.I have prayer for this day to come for a long time, She is about to make me a Papa,but what do you do, She is my blood, In my heart I am as proud now as the day she was born, Help me with how to handle this, Please!

Answer 1

What you describe is a tough situation, but you seem to be mature enough to do what's proper.  Even so, it may be helpful to keep a few things in mind.

1) You may have contributed to her birth, but "father" is a title reserved for someone who raises a child.  You were not there, so you are not her father.  Any relationship you end up having with her will begin when you two meet.  Children that have been abandoned (for whatever reason) have a deep-seated desire to "reunite" with their "lost" parent(s), but it is important that she respects and appreciates the man who raised her as being her father.  

2) She will always be scarred by your abandonment of her.  Sorry, but that's the reality of it.  It's very important that you make it clear to her that you didn't leave her because of anything wrong with her.  Children internalize blame for things their parents do, so she will have the feeling that she was to blame, that she did something wrong or that she "wasn't good enough" for you to stay.  You want to be clear with her that you loved her then, love her now, and always will love her because she is a lovable person.

3) You know her, but she doesn't really know you.  Think of this as re-introducing yourself to a long-lost relative.  She is an adult, so you should treat her like an adult.  Accept responsibility for your own actions, don't make excuses, and be totally honest.  You missed out on the entire "Daddy's little girl" part of her life, but that doesn't mean you can't have a friendship with your adult daughter.  If you get confused, just ask yourself how you would treat a complete stranger who was her age.

You've already missed out on one opportunity to have a relationship with your daughter.  This is a second chance.  Things will never be the way they might have been, but that's not to say they can't be good.  Hopefully, you'll find what I've written helpful.

Answer 2

well, she's an adult now and has adult experiences under her belt now to help her relate to the situtation. Be honest with her. Expect her to be mad, and expect her to feel abandonment at first. It's hard for a child to have to try and understand why a parent isn't there when they can't understand an adult relationship, and then to have to let go of those harbored feelings. be patient with her and be strong. This will be hard for you to do. Especially if she's got children or is getting ready to have children, because she will be protective of her blood, and be leery because of her own abandonment issues. Just let her know that you don't expect her to forgive you, but maybe give you a chance to make up for the lost time and get to know eachother as people first, not father and daughter.

good luck. :)

Answer 3

My parents divorced when I was 4.  I was reintroduced to my father when I was 21.  I was angry.  I still am at the age of 25.  I had lots of questions and some were not able to be answered.  I am having a hard time trusting my father and I didn't understand why he didn't want to locate my brother and I.  She might have anger towards you.  She is going to be confused.  No matter what give her the space and time and be honest.  My father moved to the same city I live in and still will go weeks without contacting me.  It's a difficult road and hopefully things turn out different for the two of you.  Good luck

Answer 4

From my point of view I think you can let her know you are there for her and whenever she is ready will come to you,it will take some time she will get there but be patient..good luck

Answer 5

Wow that's hard! Just talk to her like a person, she might be mad that you waited soooo long to talk to her. But just explain why you left, that might help. Whatever you do no matter how mad she gets don't yell at her or get angry. Let things unfold naturally about you are done talking explaining.

Answer 6

Will before you meet her,ask God to help you make a good impression on her the first time you meet. Let her ask all the question's she might want too ask of you. Just tell your side of the story,as clearly as possible. Tell her you hope she will let you be part of her life now.Tell her your sorry that you and your ex-wife did not tell her about you,because you thought it best at the time.Tell her you have missed being a part of her life,and you would like to make-up for lost time now. Tell her you would love to be a part of her child's life as he or she grows up.Tell her you will be there now know matter what.Bring her some flowers,when you meet her for the first time.Just remember that all of us humans make mistakes,but if you have real faith in God he can correct them all.