What do I say to my fiance's sister without causing a fight?

Question

We've sent out our wedding invitations. We decided that although we would love to have children at our wedding, we simply can't afford to have them there, nor do we have the space for them to attend the reception. Anyway we told our parents hoping for the ''word of mouth'' thing to work. We also only put the adults names on the invitations and at the bottom of them we added a little note saying ''children welcome at the ceremony.'' We figured this was a nice way of saying ''don't bring them to the reception.'' Most of our family and friends have kids and most are happy to find sitters but my sister in law-to be is making things very difficult. She is insisting on bring her baby to the reception even though we have explained that we would prefer she didn't because it's going to irritate the people who had to leave their kids at home. What am I supposed to say to her? I don't want to give in to her as it's not fair to everyone else. My fiance feels the same but she's not budging. I am trying hard not to start a fight but I don't know what else I can say to her. Any ideas?

Answer 1

Is she breastfeeding a young infant? If the baby is breastfed them Mommy is probably nursing every 2-4 hours and since she is the food source you can see the dilemma all nursing mothers are not successful in pumping milk either.

But if it's a bottle fed or older baby then there's no reason why a sitter can't be procured.....all I can say is if she's still stubborn about it have your fiance or his Mom handle it.....if the baby ends up at the reception then if asked tell the asker your sister in law rudely ignored your wishes......

....an other route is to tell her the venue will insist a full adult plate be purchased for the infant even tho baby won't eat it as it's all about head count and not age, and if she insists on bringing the baby then she will have to pay for the plate...no choice in the matter and your budget won't swing one more plate....just remember Karma, Hon-there will be a time she hosts something and insists no kids...if you have any you can insist back..."Well, you brought junior to our wedding when you knew it was a no child reception, so you owe me this"....and be just as stubborn...lol.

Answer 2

Your SIL is completely out of line to not respect your wishes for your wedding and reception.  The groom needs to speak to her and TELL her she's not welcome to bring her child.  No weasel words such as "we would prefer."  Also, he needs to speak to his mother about this to get her involved in telling her daughter this is unacceptable.  Any family "peer pressure" you can put on her is great.

But when it comes to the reception, in the end, it will be the SIL who chooses whether to follow the rules or not.  And it will be your choice of whether to enforce them.  If you wanted to take a very hard line on this, you could have a family member or even security escort her out.  I personally wouldn't do that or recommend it.  And it would likely cause a huge scene and family fight.  

Unfortunately, you can't "make" anyone in society follow any rule, unless you intercept them.  They follow them if they choose to, and there are penalties for breaking some.

P.S. As for "not starting a fight" you have no control over that.  All you can do is be assertive but not aggressive in stating your position.  If others choose to start a fight over it, that's their choice.  In my family, several relatives have had events where they politely and diplomatically specified "no children."  And the kids' mother went ballistic over her children not being invited.

Answer 3

That is very rude of her to insist when she knows you do not want chidren there. We also had an adult only reception so I know how you feel. I would ask your mother-in-law to speak to her. This is your day and if you and your husband both agree on not having children there then she needs to respect that.

~MLF~

Answer 4

It's your fiance's sister so it should be up to him to talk to her about it. It is best if it comes from him or his mother rather than you.

Answer 5

Putting myself in your shoes, I would talk to my fiance and have him talk to her. He just needs to say, "hey, no one else is bringing their children because it's an adult only reception. If you bring your kid, you probably won't be able to stay as long and you won't fully get to enjoy the party. Why don't you find a sitter and enjoy the night." If you are so intent on the kid not coming, find someone to watch the kid, offer to pay for it (if it's only for one person, shouldn't cost too much), who would pass up a free sitter???

Answer 6

My husband and I did not want any children at our wedding as well. But unfortunately some people did show up with kids. What can you do? Just remember this is YOUR day. and your future husbands (just being nice but really your the bride it's your day). If you don't want children then you just need to flat out say "look, it's just not going to happen, please get a babysitter". Ask her how she would feel if it was her wedding and just ask her to please play along. You have your reasons and that is good enough. You can't let people walk all over you on your day.  

Answer 7

I didn't want children at my wedding, either, for the same reasons. My mother knew that her cousins would bring their son anyway, and so we just put him on the invitation.

If she's going to come to your wedding with her bratling anyway, then let her. Just stop arguing with her about it. I was consumed with what people would think, too, and it turns out that nobody cared.

Know why?

Everyone who came to that wedding knew that they were going to bring their son anyway.

This means that everyone who is going to attend your wedding already knows that your future sister-in-law is a spoiled brat. They will assume, if she does indeed show up with her spawn, that she did it without your consent, and then she'll be the bad guy. Nobody is going to point at you while you're cutting the cake and shout, "HEY! You let HER bring her kid! Why couldn't I?"

You don't need the aggravation now, and you definitely don't need the unending amounts of c**p you'll get from her or her family after the wedding. So just drop the subject. If she decides to bring the kid, fine, if not, better. But you have more stress than you need right now, and this will only make it worse on you.

Concentrate on your honeymoon! There will definitely be NO children there!

Answer 8

can you not get your fiance's mum to have a word with her......make her see sense...thats if your fiances mum is being reasonable also...after all its her daughter so she should listen to her mum.

Good luck with this, i hate those ppl who try and find things to moan about on someone elses wedding day!

Its your day so sod everyone else!

Answer 9

Although there's not much you can do about it now, I think your expectation was unreasonable. "Children welcome at the ceremony" but guests have the inconvenience of having to take them back home afterward and then come back out for your reception. What are out-of-towners supposed to do with their kids after the ceremony ends, leave them in a hotel? You're well within your right to have no children at your wedding, but you've created a really awkward situation for your guests.

If your sister insists on bringing her baby, let her. She is going to be a part of your family and you're going to have to deal with her for the rest of your life. It isn't worth destroying the possibility of a good relationship with her over something so small.

Answer 10

I don't think anyone is going to get that upset about someone

bringing an infant to the wedding.  First of all, it's not eating any

food, so it's not costing you anything.  Second, she probably won't stay long, if she puts the baby's needs first, she will leave early and

put it to bed.  Third, how can anyone get mad at YOU for what

someone else does?  You can't control her.  And if she brings a

baby after she was asked not to, then everyone will just think she's

being rude.  Not your problem.  But some people are so self-absorbed

they're going to do what they're going to do, and what you want doesn't

matter anyway.  Good luck.

Answer 11

Kudos to you for not trying to keep the wedding itself kid-free just because you can't afford them at the reception!

However, babies are often given an exception to the "adults-only" part of the day. I know that you say she doesn't have to come to the reception, but when its your brother getting married that's not really an option. How old is this baby? If the child is under a year and a half no one would expect her to leave it behind - even if she has a breast pump she would have to leave the reception multiple times to express. Have you provided a place for mothers to do that? Most places don't have any good facilities.

If your concern is that other people will feel there is a double standard then don't worry - nursing infants are understood to be different than other children.

Answer 12

Same thing happened at my wedding.  The lady who refused to come without her children (ages 3, 5, 9) was my aunt!  I had to tell her that if she had to insist on her children being invited she would have to pay for their plates,  and I got the money up front.  She came her brats were brats, and she had to pay me $225.  Needless to say we didn't receive a gift from her and the relationship has become strained.  Good Luck.  How old is her child?  If it is still an infant, she won't wanna stay long anyways.  What does his mother say?  Can you get her to help you out by talking to the sister in law?

Answer 13

She's your fiance's immediate family.  That's a more exceptional case.  If you were to allow your nieces and nephews only, how many would that add to your count?  It makes sense to allow it, if that's your only means of reconciling this, because you wouldn't generally want to marry without your immediate families in attendance and this may otherwise keep her from coming.

Answer 14

You don't say anything!! She's your fiance's sister, so he needs to be the one to handle it! If he says something, he's just being her brother, and nothing will change that relationship. If you say something, you seem like the control freak who's already trying to tell her waht to do, and you're not even related to her yet! Yes, it's annoying, and no, she shouldn't bring her kids to the wedding, but it's not your place to address it - it's your fiance's responsibility.

Answer 15

You need to leave it alone. Let her mother deal with her. If she shows up with the baby no one will think it is unfair. They will think she is tacky and couldn't take a hint. It will look bad on her not you.

Just ignore the situation, be the bigger person, and you will come out looking great. If you pitch a fit then it will follow you around for years to come.

You don't have to welcome the kid or even pretend you are happy about it, but don't make a scene.

I am talking from experience here. Someone pulled something similar on me, and they caught a lot of flack for it and I got sympathy. She has since apologized to me. It didn't damage the wedding or reception, in fact I barely noticed her at all. So I don't see it as a hill worth dying on.  

Answer 16

There seems to always be one roting apple!  I would tell her, look l'm trying to help you out with the ceremony, but the reception the baby is gonna have to stay with a siter, it's adult time and not fare to others.  I don't want to fight with you, but don't know how else or what else I can say to make you understand, is there a reason you feel the baby must come?  She may just say yes, I can't leave the baby along, you can say well it will only be for a few hours, and while everyone is drinking and all, it safer for the baby at home:)  Hope that helps, and best of luck,  she's being selfish.  Your hubby to be should be the one to put the foot down and talk with her anyways, not you.  It's not your sister, if it was then that's your job:)

Answer 17

Have a talk with your SIL, woman on woman.  Start off the conversation by saying your surprised this is an issue, as she is the only woman not looking forward to an evening of partying, talking freely, dancing with her husband!  By welcoming children at the ceremony, all 81 of them, you have made sure everyone gets a chance to see each other (thereby cutting off her 'people haven't seen the baby excuse).

Let her know word has gotten back to you that it is rumored she said "if we don't like it that's too bad...........what she wants'.  Ask if this is true.  If she digs her heels in and says yes (which I believe she will), calmly and sooooo quietly respond "Well okay, but you understand that this is not only my wedding but really, my first 'request' as a SIL.  If this is the precedence you wish to set, that means I will also have free reign to 'do as I wish' for any events or anything that you specifically request".  I really hope you will reconsider".   DO NOT GET MAD. It might even take her a couple of hours to process the implications of what you said and find a plausible excuse for  'changing her mind' without losing 'face' in front of family.  

If she does, do not gloat. Pretend conversation never happened. This one sounds like manipulation rather than confrontation (which she wants) is the best way to deal with her.

Good Luck and Have a beautiful wedding!

Answer 18

i don't believe that people will be as irritated at your sister-in-law as you might think. since she will be the only one with a child, SHE will have to do the explaining as to why her baby is there when children were not invited. your mother-in-law should be the one to address this situation and while she sounds like a complete enabler to your SIL's bratty behavior, you have enough to worry about to also have to worry about your SIL.

that being said, i think that you also have some role to play in this. if you want an adults-only reception (which is perfectly fine) then you need to have an adults-only ceremony, as well. having children at one place but not the other will allow for the excuses of "well we didn;t have time to drop them back off at home" or "our sitter cancelled." you'll have guests who drove only an hour or two...not quite out of town but not conveniently close to home. if they decide to bring their children to the ceremony, you may not be seeing them at the reception.

i suggest making it very black-and-white: you invite children to both or you don't invite them at all. you are certainly not obligated to provide babysitting services or entertainment for children, particularly if they are not invited. but you may want to provide extra time between the ceremony and the reception so that guests can deposit their children back at home or with a sitting service.  

Answer 19

Since she is your SIL I don't see a problem with her bringing her baby. Your other guests will understand that an exception can be made for immediate family.

Answer 20

simply tell her this is YOUR wedding and you expect there to be no conflicts that you made your decision, and that its not fair to other people. if she cant be respectful, then tell her she can stay home. a reception is all about partying and who really wants to bring their kids to a party? if thats the kind enviorment she wants her kids to be in tell her to go to the bar:)