What do children owe their parents?

Question

I'm really serious about this question. This is not baiting, or an attempt to stir anything up. Nor do I intend to argue about who a parent is. I'm just curious what people think children owe their parents, if anything. I'm really wondering about this right now.

Answer 1

Our children don't owe us anything.

Now, we all live in a society with some common values, mores and expectations.

In general, adult children are expected to maintain contact with their parents, treat them kindly, include them in their lives, and ensure that they're cared for in their old age.

But take a look at that very brief list - how much contact? Include them in everything or just the big holidays? pay for the most exclusive nursing home if parents chose not to save? And kindness? There is a reason that Who started it? is at the heart of most lingering disputes. People have vastly different ideas about what is kind and whether or not they've been kind to someone else!

So what are you getting at here? I tend to think that maybe there is  a question that is plaguing you. So give us the details.

Answer 2

I can't think of anything that children owe to their parents, that parents do not owe to their children.

Respect:  If you don't treat your children with respect, how do you expect them to ever give respect in return?

Love: Same difference.  Children who are loved by their parents can love in return.  

So, children don't owe their parents anything that parents do not owe to their children.

Answer 3

nothing.  in my opinion, children should be taught to respect their parents, but any debt to them is ridiculous.  this is why i love to hear people make statement such as ,"i want a baby so that i can have someone to love me."  um...buy a puppy.

i say this again, kids are not indebted to their parents.

Answer 4

I don't think children "owe" their parents anything. And any good parent will tell you the same.

When a person decides to have a child, that is a commitment. A child is a demanding selfish thing by nature.

HOWEVER, I do believe that if you have raised your child to be compassionate and loving then THAT is payment enough because you won't have to worry about the child "owing" anything to the parent, they will just step in when the time comes that their loved one(s) need help. In the end, a child may feel that they "owe" their parent(s) a h**l of a lot. But a good parent knows that a child owes them nothing.

Answer 5

The answers to this question range from nothing to whatever the parents need. A relative who is a psychoanalyst said nothing because parents have children for their own satisfaction.  

I have never answered this question for myself. I think parents put in a certain amount of effort and they should expect a reasonable return.  

Answer 6

I think just some respect and manners depending on what kind of upbringing they had. I didn't have such a good one but as my mum is the only one left alive and she is trying to make up for her mistakes I try to give her respect as she is my elder.  :)

Answer 7

nothing. My children owe me nothing.  

Answer 8

Funny thing is I just had this conversation wit a friend who doesn't wish to find his first parents. He said that it's the least he could do for the people who raised him.

My though is all parents are owed, when they give birth or adopt, is to parent, nothing more. Respect is earned and something not all parents deserve. Children are still their own people with feelings and choices.

Answer 9

That's a good question and I suppose it's very dependent on what sort of parent they are. In my case my parents were violent etc etc and I don't feel that I owe them anything. I'm about to have a daughter and all I'd expect (or hope to get) is unconditional love. Hopefully I will be a good enough teacher that things like respect and good behaviour will be part of the package, but I'm not sure that I like the idea of it being owed to me. As parents we make a choice to give as much as we do and I don't know that we can "expect" anything in return as such, although we certainly should see something in return if that makes sense..?

Answer 10

Yes they do. I have always told my child you owe me with respect as  your parent. If you feel I'm wrong then my child needs to come and give their view. They owe me in being the best adults they can be for when they walk out my door not only are they showing there pride in what they have become but how as parents we raised them. That all they owe me.

Answer 11

if they were crappy parents (i mean really crappy, not just strict. like beating, starving, neglecting not buying clothes etc bad) then nothing.  children do not choose to be born. they do not choose the way they are raised. if they fed you, clothed you, provided for you when you were unable to provide for yourself, then i believe a child should (at least in part) try to make their later lives easier. eventually old people can't provide for themselves.

i do believe that parents need to earn the respect of their children. I lucked out, I have awesome parents. Mom and Dad, I love you!

Answer 12

I don't think my son owes me anything.  That's kind of silly when you think about it.

I do tell him that I want to help him to be the best he can be...  right now, its to be the best 3 year old he can be.  I expect him to learn through playing with his friends and listening to me.  I try to find healthy alternatives to any negative issues in his life.

Some people say respect...  but I had to earn his respect.  I think respect and trust go hand in hand.  I've also earned his trust.  I never want to loose that.

I LISTEN to him alot.  He listens to me...  SOMETIMES (he's only 3)!  And that is what a 3 year old does.

I just want him to be happy, healthy, well-balanced, and self-supportive when he is older.

Answer 13

Nothing.  It is up to the parents as to how their children treat them later.  You cannot demand a realtionship from your child if you have not put in the hard work yourself from the start.  Respect goes both ways.  You can't demand it from your child if you are not willing to give them respect.

What you can hope from your child is the love and care back that you put in but a child 'owes' no one as they didn't ask to be born.  That just happened.  Its up to them what they chose and I guess it depends on every unique situation.

I hope my children will one day treasure me as I treasure them but they don't owe me anything.  I chose to have these children with my husband and its like a garden.  If you put the hard work in, you usually reap the benefits later one, but you do it all for the love, not to expect something (hope this makes sense, its 1:30 am and I have just got home from work!)

Answer 14

A parent/child relationship shouldn't be based on keeping tabs with who owes who something.  However, at the very least, a child should be respectful towards the parents and willing to help out (household chores, care when the parents become elderly, etc.).  In exchange, the parent owes the child a safe environment with the necessities covered (not necesarrily the best of the best, but enough to get by on).

Answer 15

Children do not owe their parents anything, you bring a child into this world you are responsible for them up to so far, beyond which they have to carry themselves and maybe have their own kids to be responsible for. But at no point in a child's life should a parent engage in the kind of emotional blackmail that involves words like "After all i've done for you". This leads children into an unyielding web of confusion as to where to draw the line between existing solely to please their parents, and living for themselves, and this is the sort of pressure that may produce emotionally damaged, rebellious individuals.

Answer 16

I think you owe your parents whatever they gave you.  If your parents never did anything for you, then you owe them nothing.  If your parents took care of you growing up then I think you should take care of them when they are older and need you.  My grandmother took care of me a lot when I was younger and she did it because she loved me.  I don't think she ever thought about what I was going to be able to do for her years later.  Now she has Alzheimer's and I am there for whatever she needs.  I do things for my kids because I love them and I do not expect anything in return.  I think if someone is shown love then they will want to return the love.  It is a good feeling to love and be loved =)

Answer 17

It is amazing this question gets asked inside adoption.

Few weeks ago I met a fifteen year old girl who was rescued from foster care for three years. She is a wonderful young lady and feels she owes her Mom and Dad everything.

In my personal situation, my kids owe me things that will benefit them. School work, common decency, clean bedrooms, their share of dishes and trash, staying out of trouble. These things benefit them in the short and long run.

My Mom is 74 and likes to keep to herself. When she does ask me for something, unless it will disrupt my home it gets done for her.  

Answer 18

Children do not owe their parents anything.  Children do not ask to be born (or adopted) into a family, so really, they are not responsible for their parents.  Parents on the other hand owe their children the basic necessities in order to live a happy life (I am not talking about new cars and college education, though I do believe that parents should have to provide some sort of college education to their children).  

Answer 19

I do not think that children owe their parents anything.

Hopefully, as the child grows, the child and parents will develop a relationship built on love, trust and mutual respect. In my opinion, if the relationship is built, the adult child will usually *want* to continue the relationship with his/her parents into adulthood, as equals/friends -- who are there to support and help each other when possible. However, that relationship should be made by CHOICE, not obligation...

Answer 20

You can only owe someone something if you agreed to give them something.

My daughter came into this world, she didn't ask to be born, she didn't ask to be loved, cared for, bounced up and down on the side of the bed and fed for 3 hours while she's fussy.

I do that because i love her, and it's what i choose to do. She never owes me anything, why would she? She's a child!

I love her, and i choose to do this.

I have hopes for her, sure. I hope that she grows to be a happy, fulfilled person, and i hope that she will do things for others like the rest of our family do for each other.

Why should she be indebted for things that I choose to do, that just seems bizarre to me./ forcing a debt on a child when they had no say in the agreement.

Answer 21

what you owe your parents? so many sleepless nights, 3 years of diapers one year of formula,at least 10 boxes of band aids. that does not include medical bills gas lights water clothe toys and house payment in short probably 300.000 by the time your 18 if you go to college your life and all they want is to see you happy. So give mom and dad a hug tell them you love them and that's your total cost.

Answer 22

NOT.ONE.d**n.THING.

I don't owe them my LIFE, because they made their own choices.  I didn't ask for this.

I don't owe them my happiness, because I have it NO thanks to them.

I don't owe them anything from my childhood, because if they'd had their way, I wouldn't have bothered them with it.

I don't owe them any thanks because I've given THEM far more than they've EVER given me, and THEY never bothered to thank me.

I repeat:  I DON'T OWE MY PARENTS ONE d**n THING.

And neither does anyone else.

And to my would-be censors: Since my emotionally charged answers keep getting deleted, BRING IT ON.  You CAN'T shut me up.  I have a right to speak my truth, even if it does get deleted.

Answer 23

My children owe me nothing.

It's up to them to look back on their lives and judge whether or not I was a good parent to them.

I think it's mainly adoptees who are told by strangers on the internet to be grateful and remember that their aparents changed their diapers, soothed their boo-boos and fed them as if somehow we are indebted!  I am so happy that my adoptive mother doesn't feel that way LOL  I love her because she's a loveable person; not because I owe her anything.

Answer 24

Children "owe" their parents the following:

1) Become financially independent and responsible adults

2) Be honest, ethical and productive in their lives

3) Become good parents, themselves

Best wishes.

Answer 25

I don't believe a child owes their parents anything. My mom and dad always said A child owes their parents nothing. They owe it to themselves to build a life for themselves. They owe it to themselves to find happiness in life. They owe it to themselves to make the right choices. If you were raised with love and respect, I believe you will return the love and respect. As it is earned not owed. I did everything I could to help my parents, especially my mom after my dad passed. Not because I owed her because I loved her and wanted to. Parents whether adopted or natural, owe their children love support and guidance as they grow.  As no child asked to be born. If the parents did the best they could and taught the child respect, common sense, and compassion, then the child will want to be there for them when they are grown. For me I was always there for them because I loved them and respected them not because I felt I owed them. Great question by the way.

Answer 26

I don't believe that a child owes a parent anything.  Owing indicates a bargain was struck and a tally is being kept.  Rather, if I want my children to treat me with respect, I must offer them respect; if I want them to love me unconditionally, I must give them that love all their lives.  If I want my children to accept my differences as I get older, I must cherish theirs when they are young.  If I want them to visit me when I am old, I must enjoy their company when they are little.  If I want them to respect my opinions, I must value theirs when they offer one.  Parents owe their children and they later reap what they sow.  

Answer 27

I can not answer for my children, as to what they owe me, because I am not sure if they owe me anything at all.

I do know that I owe my own mother a big a hug and a huge thank you for all she did for me.

Answer 28

I don't believe children owe their parents anything.  That is where a lot of issues and problems arise in child/parent relationships (whether adopted or not) when the parent things that they are 'owed' something...

If the parent is doing their job properly the respect, the honor and manners they show their own child by EXAMPLE will normally be mimicked by their own children.  

Some parents have this misconception that, "Hey I fed you, I clothed you, gave you a place to live so now you owe me respect, have to take care of me when I get older..." s***w that S**t.  We wonder why children grow up to be so selfish and never do anything out of just doing a good deed.  They are taught if you do this for me then I will do this for you...no, it shouldn't work that way but unfortunately many people have this idea engrained in their heads all because their own parents taught them that they owe them.

Answer 29

I don't think kids owe their parents anything. To owe something means you are paying something back in return for what you have been given.  I personally do not want my kids giving me anything out of a sense of payback or obligation.  I am their mother, it is my joy and responsibility and agony and frustration to sacrifice and care for them.  They don't have to pay me back.  I do it because I love them.

That doesn't mean that parents should not have expectations for their kids.  But to expect the best and have high standards is not the same as "collecting" back something owed to you.  My kids have added so much to my life.  They don't owe me a thing.   I give freely because I love them and they give back because they love me.  I would hate the thought that my kids were showing me respect merely out of a sense of duty or obligation. I'm raising kids, not robots.

Answer 30

The only thing I want in payment from my children is good behavior and wise decisions. I don't want my children growing up to be lazy druggies who have no work ethic. The best way they can repay me for raising them and giving them life is to be good people, who treat others with respect, don't do drugs or anything harmful to their bodies, and to become people who are charitable and loving. All I want in return is for my kids to basically treat themselves with respect as I have done them. If they turn out to be criminals who disrespect others and themselves I will feel like everything I ever did for them counted for nothing and that they are basically poo pooing on me.

Answer 31

I think children owe it to their parents to try to make a life for themselves and make something of themselves.  While I don't think children owe their parents anything more than that it is nice when children who had loving caring parents that took good care of them do actually return the "favor" and help their parents out when they need it too.  Like if they took good care of you and they get sick children should respect and love their parents enough in return to help take care of them.