What do guys think of this so far?

Question

I know it's long but I really want to know. You don't have to read all of chapters just the first. :)

http://www.booksie.com/young_adult/novel/sam316547/broken-glass

Answer 1

I have to agree, reading the summary and seeing how random the capitalization was put me off enough not to be too interested in reading the rest.

I got a few lines in and it was already clear the grammar was a bit all over the place.

It's very difficult to see good writing through bad grammar; this is the thing you need to look closely at first of all before your reader will want to even glance at it. Fix this, and you might have an okay piece of writing, but right now I can't tell.

Answer 2

The first two things I noticed was the misspelling of adopted in the tags and that the first sentence in the summary didn't have a capital letter. I can see where the story is going to end up just from reading the summary, and the phrase, "My name is Raven Elizabeth Johns I'm a 9th grader " is far, far too Mary Sue for me to even consider reading more. A glance over the first page showed many run on and poorly phrased sentences for me to consider reading more.

I'm sorry, I sound like a complete *****. I'm sure you've put a lot of work into this and I'm judging by the comments there are people that enjoy it. But perhaps work on your ideas and character names to make a more realistic, original plot and fix those little spelling and grammer mistakes and you'll be on your way =]