What do u think about my story? and do u know any sites i can put it on for people to see??

Question

this is just a draft,and its not finished!

We were in his bedroom and I know it was the right moment the perfect moment for this..He had red,and white candles burning every where. The room smelled like roses and coconut vanilla paradise. I was in paradise. I could see that he bought some wine,which brought me up by surprise,but not because it was romantic,but because he remembered that I hated sham pain. I looked at him and toward the bed ,which was decorated by rose peddles. Suddenly I felt the nervousness inside of me take over my body. He herd my breathing get deeper,and so he put his hands around me,tightening over my waist.

“You know you don't have to do this”,He said.

“I told you that I want to do this”,I told him in a softer and a more relaxed tone. Though my eyes were giving my relaxation away. He put his lips on my neck and sight...

“I just want you to know that whatever happens tomorrow,that I will always love you unimaginably and unstop ably for the the rest of my life.”

“Please don't make this harder on me...lets just not talk about tomorrow,i want to be with you know I want to feel you so that I can remember this....I love you and forever I will”.

He tightened his arms around me and I put my lips on his,While I already started trembling,He started unbuttoning my shirt ,as I started for his when mine was off. It was hard to be patient in a moment like this so I couldn't help myself put to tear a couple of buttons off of his shirt while I was unbuttoning it. I started for his pants and then he suddenly got them of himself,and of course I began to take my jeans off.

My hands were shaking,not from fear,but from sadness,the thought of never seeing him again went through me like a knife piercing through my heart and stabbing it all over again. There were tears in my eyes I tried to hide ,so that I wouldn't ruin this perfect moment. He Carried me towards the bed,and put

me down carefully as if I was a baby. I started kissing his neck and working up his jaw to his smooth and perfect soothing lips. he took of my Bra and threw it down on the floor gently still looking at my face he stared with deep thought. Suddenly I started feeling self conceouse .

“you are so beautiful” he wisperd while trembling.

I stared back at him,it felt like I could see his soul through his dark mysterious and brown eyes. His eyes always got me feeling the butterfly's every time I was around him,even after 2yrs being with him I still can feel them. Every time I look at them I feel like I'm looking at them for the first time. With a smile back at me he noticed that I was giving him the same look he wanted. The look that speaks for itself,which says “i love you more than anything”.

I started to pull off his boxers,as he helped me out and took them off gently still looking at me like it was his first time. He started kissing me this time harder and carelessly .I felt his tong on my lips as he started to come to a stop kissing my neck. He pulled off carefully what was left on me ,still reading my soul with his eyes.....

Tomorrow has come. The day I was fretting for the whole time I knew him has come. I couldn't imagine what my life was or would be without him anymore. He was my life. How was I going to survive while going through not being with him,not seeing his angelic and beautiful face,hearing his perfect soothing voice,and feeling his breath on me as we touched. How was I going to live without his touch,the soothing touch that made all the h**l in the world seem like ice,comparing to the intensity I felt when we kissed. As I laid on his smooth and hard chest,while pretending I was sleeping,so that I wouldn't have to speak. I know if I did the only thing that would come out is arguments about him leaving,literally chasing death. He told me he knew he had to do this,and that I shouldn't ever dare to question his love for me. While a tear started making its way down my face ,I felt guilty for making it this hard for him. I hoped that he didn't notice which I'm sure he did ,because at that moment he turned around to face me and put his lips on mine. Kissing the river that was streaming down my face,and suddenly said to me. “Its time for me to go love”.

p.s. he's going to Iraq,or somewhere in the war zone

Answer 1

It's all right. It's spelled "champagne" not "sham pain." Just touch it up a bit with grammar and spelling a bit and you should be fine.

Answer 2

I have to be honest with you, I literally laughed while reading this. Now onto my critique.

Apart from writing a story that was very bland and uneventful you:

1. Change tenses throughout the whole passage.

2. Made up words. For example, conceouse.

3. Have no idea where to put commas or periods. Grammar is your friend. Don't scoff at it.

4. Frequently capitalize words in the middle of sentences.

5. Don't spend a lot of time on sensory descriptions. She is remembering that night but doesn't remember anything apart from the s*x and the setting. Needs more detail.

6. Also misspelled words. Example, tong. It's tongue. Use spell check please.

7. Did not drag me in with an interesting first sentence/paragraph. You need something good to hook people and want to keep reading.

So, in essence, I thought this story was a total bust. I didn't like it and you really need to do some major revising before I would even think of scanning it again.