What do u think about my story?lol be honest!?

Question

This is just a draft! so its not perfect! i'm warning you that i typed too fast and misspelled alot of words,so dont freak out and judge it by it spelling but by its fire!!

We were in his bedroom and I know it was the right moment the perfect moment for this..He had red,and white candles burning everywhere.The room smelled like roses and coconut vanilla paradise.I was in paradise. I could see that he bought some wine,which brought me up by surprise,but not because it was romantic,but because he rememberd that I hated shampain. I looked at him and torward the bed ,which was decorated by rose pettles.Sudenly I felt the nervousness inside of me take over my body.He herd my breathing get deeper,and so he put his hands around me,tightening over my waist.

“You know you dont have to do this”,He said.

“I told you that I want to do this”,I told him in a softer and a more relaxed tone.Though my eyes were giving my relaxation away. He put his lips on my neck and sight...

“I just want you to know that whatever happense tomorrow,that I will always love you unimaginabley and unstopably for the the rest of my life.”

“Please dont make this harder on me...lets just not talk about tomorrow,i want to be with you know I want to feel you so that I can remember this....I love you and forever I will”

“Whatever you want darling.have I ever told you that your like oxygen to me,i cant live without?”

“Yes...About everytime u look at me ”

He tightened his arms around me and I put my lips on his.While I already started trembling,He started unbottening my shirt ,as I started for his when mine was off.It was hard to be patient in a moment like this so I couldnt help myself put to tear a coule of buttons off of his shirt while I was unbottening it.I started for his pants and then he sudenly got them of himself,and ofcourse I began to take my jeans off.

My hands were shaking,not from fear,but from sadness,the thought of never seeing him again went through me like a nife piercing through my heart and stabing it all over again.There were tears in my eyes I tried to hide ,so that I wouldnt ruin this perfect moment.He Carried me torwards the bed,and put

me down carefully as if I was a baby.I started kissing his neck and working up his jaw to his smooth and perfect soothing lips.he took of my Bra and threw it down on the floor gently still looking at my face he stared with deep thought.Suddenly I started feeling self consouse.

“you are so beautiful” he wisperd while trembling.

I stared back at him,it felt like I could see his soul through his dark mysteriouse and brown eyes.His eyes always got me feeling the butterflys everytime I was around him,even after 2yrs being with him I still can feel them.Everytime I look at them I feel like i'm looking at them for the first time. With a smile back at me he noticed that I was giving him the same look he wanted.The look that speeks for itself,which says “i love you more than anything”.

I started to pull off his boxers,as he helped me out and took them off gently still looking at me like it was his first time.He started kissing me this time harder and carelessly.I felt his toung on my lips as he started to come to a stop kissing my neck.He pulled off carefully what was left on me ,still reading my soul with his eyes.....

Tomorrow has come.The day I was fretting for the whole time I knew him has come.I couldnt imagine what my life was or would be without him anymore.He was my life.How was I going to survive while going through not being with him,not seeing his angelic and beautiful face,hearing his perfect soothing voice,and feeling his breath on me as we touched.How was I going to live without his touch,the soothing touch that made all the h**l in the world seem like ice,comparing to the intensity I felt when we kissed.As I laid on his smooth and hard chest,while pretending I was sleeping,so that I wouldnt have to speak.I know if I did the only thing that would come out is arguments about him leaving,litteraly chasing death.He told me he knew he had to do this,and that I shouldnt ever dare to question his love for me. While a tear started making its way down my face ,I felt quilty for making it this hard for him.I hoped that he didnt notice which I'm sure he did ,because at that moment he turned around to face me and put his lips on mine.Kissing the river that was streaming down my face. And suddenly said to me. “Its time for me to go love”.

BY THE WAY THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BREAKING DAWN I GOT ALOT OF COMMENTS ABOUT THAT EARLIER...!!!!HE'S LEAVING TO GO IN THE ARMY,THEY ARE SENDING HIM TO IRAQ...

Answer 1

I sounds a bit like the way I write. And when I write I have to go over it to get it good enough. But I like it a lot. I think it was easy to sink into and (you were right about spelling and mistakes)  but as for your fire... it was a good fire. Could still be improved but that doesn't mean I didn't really like it!    

Answer 2

Did this really happen?

Or Is it  just your  fantasy?

It sounds like you're reading too much  romantic novel.

I presume you are still in your teens.

If this really happened.

Write a novel!

It  looks like you got a very fertile imagination.

Or better make it into a movie.

It has a very nice plot.

Boy and girl makes love in a very romantic setting, on the night before the boy leaves to fight in a raging war.

Beautiful!

Sorry for the sarcasm

I am just nasty by nature...

but that's my honest opinion.

Answer 3

THAT WAS FREAKING AWESOME!!!! WITH THE WAY YOU WORDED IT I COULD PICTURE IT. But you are right you need to check your spelling, but apart from that IT WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 4

Beautifully written, love the way you describe everything, great rhythm, wonderful use of adjectives, I wish you had clicked the "spelling" button, wow, you are on your way, take Writing classes, keep up the good work.

Answer 5

ok i loved the story, and to be honest that did remind me a little of breaking dawn lol but thats fine. [i saw at the end when u said he was going to iraq =[ aww.] but yeah your writing seems like it uses alot of adjectives, u dont need to use them that much =D and um it was good over all but for mee it went too far when u got the unbuttoning the pants and then the bra... lol like it seemed too steamy, especially because u havent introduced the characters to us before hand, u just start out with the s*x scene which is fine for some but when i read a book i want to be able to understand and feel like i really know the characters, u know? well, thats what i was thinking  but u should continue writing. good luck!!!!

Answer 6

too sentimental and too many adjectives that try to boost the writing, true description comes from specificity rather than a bunch of throw-away adjectives such as

"beautiful" "angelic" "perfect" etc.

if you want to use adjectives use specific sensory adjectives m'kay

Answer 7

I like it.

Thanks James

Answer 8

First, basic spelling, grammar, and format:  at your request, spelling forgiven.  However, make use of commas and semicolons; they create pauses and separate thoughts.  Try putting more of it in present tense, to increase tension.  And please, please put two spaces after periods.

Try adding some more similes, metaphors, and personification.  Not in an insincere cheesy way, though.

Less telling!  More senses!

Try to incorporate some more character info, background, and personality into this.  Otherwise... it's just a generic s*x story.  Where'd they meet?  How'd they fall in love?  Are they married?  Why did he enlist in the army?  How does he feel about the fighting and killing and danger?  How does she feel?  What'll she do if he doesn't come back, or comes back permanently damaged?  Are they afraid of how the war will change him?