What do u think about open adoption?

Question

What do u think about open adoption and close adoption do you think open adoption is the best choice and also I live in VA and im thinking about giving my twins up for adoption should the adopted parents live in the same state are does it really matter

Answer 1

No such thing as an opened adoption. You can see if you can find a family that you get along with and hope that they will keep you involved in your children's lives but open adoption is not enforced and you may be in for an even bigger heart break than you originally prepared yourself for. Try to find a way to keep your kids. No one except people here will tell you how hard it is going to be on you. Why would they, you might change your mind if they do. It takes a strong person to live with relinquishing children. If you aren't strong now you will be by the time they are grown. It's the regret that's gonna get ya. Even if your convinced your doing the right thing, like I was. The regret is going to wear on you.

Answer 2

what matters most is that you DO NOT give your kids away.  it will damage them forever.

please look for assistance from the county/state.  also, check into support groups for multiples.

please don't give your baby away.

Answer 3

open adoption is good so you know that your kids are growing up in a good place a closed adoption is for people that are emotional and dont want to see their kids cause it will hurt them..u should keep them, because you will want them near the end..unless you cant afford them but i say keep them

Answer 4

I really dont know but its your choice but if you do give them up adoption your really regret it because my friend wuz gonna because she wuz so young and she told me she is glad I stopped her for doing that otherwise she wouldnt kno what she would do this day!

you shouldnt tho!!!!! good luck on everything

Answer 5

To answer your question, I think open adoptions are what is best for everyone involved.  If you choose adoption then i believe it is important that you remain a part of your children's lives.

With that being said, open adoptions are not enforceable.  Meaning some adoptive parents can promise you the moon and stars and then after the adoption occurs adoptive parents can stop all contact.  I would hope and pray that people would honor their promises but from the sounds of it many don't.  So be careful.

I would pick someone in the same state if you have an open adoption.  It would make things easier.  Thats your choice and how much of an open adoption you want.  If you only want a couple visits a year, then maybe another state would be okay.

I would like to add that at any moment it's okay for you to change your mind.  You deciding to parent your twins is not selfish.  Don't sign anything unless you are 100% sure, and take as much time as you need to make your decision.  The agency and possible adoptive parents will wait, trust me.  Don't feel bad for the adoptive parents if you change your mind either, i don't want you to feel guilt.  They will be okay.  Think of your twins and yourself first.

That's my advice from my perspective of things.  There are alot of really smart people here who can add on where i left off.  Good Luck to you and your children.

Answer 6

my nephew was given up for adoption it is an open adoption,he lives in a different state, they send emails with pictures attached and we send gifts through the agency i will probably not see him until he is eighteen though, and that is if he wants to see his birth family at all...

i think that if you truly believe you cannot take care of the children you are being a very brave and unselfish person by giving up your twins so they can have the best life possible,

,the adoption of my nephew plays through my head everyday and even though i know thats whats best for him, it kills me and i do regret it, but you have to do whats right in your heart,

when it comes down to it, youll know what is best for your twins

-al

Answer 7

I think that it would be best to have them placed in another state.  Adoption is hard enough on the both parties involved, but if you were to see them, then you might want them back, and that would be heartbreaking for the kids and the parents.

Answer 8

First of all, how old are your twins?  Some people might not agree with this, but losing your mother is hard on children of ANY age, even newborns. Fetuses bond with their mother in the womb, and know who she is even at birth.  My own two children were acutely aware of who I was and I was the only person who comforted them; they knew me...I was their mother.

I was adopted in a closed adoption, back in the days when any and all information about my n-mother was kept strictly confiential and I couldn't know a shred of it.  This was extremely difficult for me, it hurt and was maddening to not be able to know anything about the mother who gave birth to me, and to be treated so poorly when I tried to find out anything.  Even now, at 34 years of age, I am STILL denied my own birth certificate (and I KNOW who my n-parents ARE!!!)  

I don't have any experience with open adoption, but I would think that any degree of openness would be better for the child.  The secrets and lies of closed adoption are horrible.  Unless it is for the safety of the child, children should never, EVER have their own information kept from them like that.  It is cruel, it is heartless, and it just should STOP being done.

As for your twins, whatever reason you are thinking of giving them up for, I hope you consider this very carefully.  For their sakes, losing your mother is the hardest thing any child could ever have to go through.  I should know; I've lost two of them.

Answer 9

I think that you should do what is best for your children.  However if there is something that you can do to heep your babies do it!!!  

If you are struggling financially, there are a lot of programs that can help you.

Answer 10

open adoption can cause problems down the road for the child

Answer 11

I'm a twin and we we're put up for adoption at birth - we have a closed adoption. My brother and I have a little brother with a open adoption and we have always wished to have that open adoption.

Answer 12

I think Open Adoption is the way to go.  I did an open adoption when I adopted my son 3 years ago.  It keeps the lines of communication open between the birthmother, baby, and adoptive parents.  You can always track down where your children are and if they are doing ok.  Even if you don't want to see them, you can at least still get pictures, emails etc.  That way if one day you decide you want to start talking to them, or visit, you won't have to wait until the child turns 18.

I just think it is best.  The amount of openness is completely up to you.  You can have as little contact or as much as you want.  But at least there is always the possibility of contact instead of waiting for 18 years.

I also think it is better in case the child has some kind of medical emergency.  Most of the time for the bad disease these children need someone that closey matches their own DNA and have contact with the birthmother can ultimately save the childs life.

Answer 13

Everyone has given advice on what you should do. If you decide to make an adoption plan I think that you need to decide what kind of relationship you would like and how you would like it to evolve. You may want a lot of visits at the beginning and then slowly start spreading them out until you are at the level of contact you would like to maintain. You should focus on finding a family that is very flexible and focused on doing what is in the best interest of the children. They should be open to you spending time with them getting to know them and making sure you feel they are a right fit. A family that is already in an open adoption will give you a chance to see how they parent and how they maintain the openness of the adoption with the birth parents and extended family members.

I think your comfort level with the family is more important than where they live. People do move.

I live in the same area as my childrens birth families. (3 children{ages 1,2&,3}, 1 bmom, 3 bdads) They have all had some visits. Right now bdads are only intrested in updates and pictures. I talk to their bmom often we see her sometimes. She is not intrested in seeing them at this time hopfully that changes.  I have more frequent contact with her extended family. Her sister comes over often with her children, her step-children have had sleepovers here with our 10 year old. We live in the same town and our children will be going to the same school togeter. Their grandparents visit. My babies have a 10 year old sister that lives with her father she usualy spends 1 weekend a month with us. That contact is very important to thier bmom.

My friend's child's bmom lives in a different state than them and they have visits more often. She comes to all special ocassions and parties.

Answer 14

I believe open adoption is wonderful as long as everyone keeps their agreements and insures that the child/ren's needs are the most important.

We do not have an open adoption due to safety risks and I can tell you that for my daughter (who was with her mother for 4 years) it would be far better if there were a safe way to maintian some contact...  

I also feel that in most cases as long as everyone is acting like adults it is good for children to have as much information as possible including contact.

The problems are when someone fails to keep the agreement and this can work both ways... As adoptive parents its very difficult to raise a child if we make a promise and if falls through--so, agreeing to visits would mean keeping this agreement so that the AP's don't get placed into a situation of broken words...

At the same time however, some Parents (not only adoptive) want to run their homes their way and will isolate their families from contact of all kinds...

Some AP's also have unfounded feelings that sharing means they lose something... I never have understood this problem but you see it not only with adopted children but, with step families....as if my kids step mother could replace my role! I know I have been irritated with their step-mother but, in no means worried she will TAKE from me what I am to my children....

In an open adoption your role would change very much, but you would not lose the role you have--a mother who gave children life and made this choice for the reasons you do....

I have not been a mother who placed a child for adoption, and I can only guess how I would actually feel or act... I do know it would be difficult--and I do know that I might not always agree or like what I saw.... I know I would have many feelings.... but, I also know that with open adoption I would have the chance to spare my child the whole "where did I come from" and searching things as they become adults...

I would like to think that if I had been in the situation of making an adoption plan I would want to have an open-adoption and I would do my best to be part of my childs life--with respect for the adoptive parents... but, I also think it would be hard on me to watch if the parents were VERY different--or had some belief system I found unacceptable or wanted to cut my little girls hari in a Pixie cut...so I could see myself having some problems letting go of what I want and I would want to do my best not to let my problems cause problems or ruin the openess we have....

There are parents who would love to have an open adoption and those would be the ones I wanted.... I would also want to talk about what is expected--and what we all might agree to do if there were to be any problems....  I think Communication is very important and I would want to make sure the parents were willing and good in communicating with me....

**Added, I agree that the answers you get here will be supportive of adoption since it is in the Adoption Section... I also will not insult you by saying that parenting would be better for you and a difficult road...  Most of the answers you will get in the adoption section will naturally support adoption.  If you choose to parent there are also many great and supportive people in the other parenting areas here who will be happy to help you should you decide to parent....

Answer 15

Depends on the situation.  Our situation = the parents are a harm to our child so open adoption is not an issue with us.  Circumstances could have been different but we didn't make those decisions - they did.

Answer 16

A lot of people on here are making adoption to be a very negative thing.  Also making it sound like all adoptive parents are out to deceive the adoptive mother that is not true.  I know a couple of people that were adopted and they grew up to be very happy well adjusted adults.  My husband and I are hoping to adopt.  I want very much to send letters and pictures to the bm. I think the best thing is for the babies to know the truth and to know that they were put up for adoption out of love.  Then in the future when the babies are ready I will go with them to meet their biological mother.  This is what I prefer.  The only way I would cut this off would be if the biological parents were causes a physical threat to the babies.  I also know many other adoptive parents that have wonderful relationships with the bm.  This is what I hope to have.  I know there is people out there that has had bad adoption.  I don't think that you can just lump all adoptions up into one and say they will all be bad.  I think if you are willing to get to know the adoptive parents and you become close I think there are good chances of it being a good open adoption.  I think you just need to talk to the parents you are considering and make sure it sounds like they want to send letters and stuff.  There are a lot of adoptive parents that really prefer this because, the main thing they care about is what is best for the child.  I think what is best is to keep a connection  so that they will know they are loved.  Children can never have to much love.  Anyway these are my feelings.  Sweety  you need to listen to your heart no one knows your situation or what is best for you and your children but, you.  So don't listen to everyone just listen to what your heart says you need to do. I wish you all the love and luck in the world.

Love,

Michelle

Answer 17

wow it completely breaks my heart to hear that your going to give up your twins... honestly I'm in Arizona and i would adopt them! but i feel that if your strong enough emotionally to handle an open adoption then do it! but if its going to be to painful don't make it open because it will destroy you!!

Answer 18

I think you should give them 2 someone who lives in the state so u can see them sometimes. However, i dont think your should just give them up unless you truely beleive your an unfit mother or father. if they are over 2 years old, DONT GIVE THEM UP!!!!!!!! it will hurt like h**l to know that your parents gave you up.

Answer 19

I had some "friends" that adopted my daughter, "Lauren". It was an "open" adoption. We had a court battle from the "biological" father (long story), he didn't really want her, the grandparents just wanted a DNA test to prove that he wasn't the dad because it caused him problems at work. They knew they could clear his name. He was the "father"/ rapist.

This was in Winchester, VA. Where are you?

Two weeks after we finished in court, I was told I could never see her again. There's no such thing as an "open" adoption, legally. They will tell you that, but the AP's can cut you off as soon as the ink dries on the paper and there's no legal recourse. It's a life of h**l. All adoptions are actually closed.

I'm going to post some things for you to read, please be patient.

ETA:

My AP's lived in the same small town.