What do u think of my 1st poem?

Question

The Long Forgetten Friendship

It seems like years

since last time I saw you

But yet I can't forget your charming face,

which as I remembered held such grace.

How shalt I ever forget thee,

When you have been such good friend to me?

Under that apple tree

Over the seventh sea

In the year of two thousand three

Dwells our days of freedom free.

Longing for you is my mind.

When blows the north wind,

I hear thy voice floating in the air. ,

But missing you is'nt really fair

"So you see I am here",

"For you anytime you,dear".

Alas, years had passed by

Now I think of blissful days and cry

Time always going by, like a picture on show

What will happens next we'll never know.

But I know we'll always remember sweet memories of our blithe days

Friend we were back then, in our own ways.

The cycle of life will never end

But I wish we were still friends.

So many characters had left

But the happy memories hadn’t cleft.

So many days had changed

At one point, when I feel strange.

As we separate our own ways

But never shalt I forget thee throughout my days.

I know that I admired you too

Now that I even realised how much I missed you..

But that’s too late to let you know

That missing you hurts me like hundred arrow

For now I can feel the love for you

I vow to thee my dear friend,

That I shall never forget You till the my end.

I will never forget the friendship we shared

For there lays the bliss we dared.

Our friendship was my pleasure,

That’s the greatest thing I ever treasure.

wherever am I, I always think of our desperate measure

Yet away from you I couldn’t stop looking at reverse.

That finaly shows in my verse.

I know that I am happy as a lark

But my mind is always dark.

Only when I rememeber our lost friendship

Alas no one can ever replace,

The empty space

Where once you were, seems like a day

when I meet you by the river bay

My life suffer in dismay,

As I look you taken away.

Tears rolled down my cheek

As I peek

To see our sweet memories of those days

It seems our friendship grew wisely

My dear friend

I know not if you are same

I know not if we are still friends

Night and day I think of you dwelling

In the land of Albion.

As the rain falls,

I knew not when you calls.

I am happy if only you are

Even if it seems we are so far apart,

Yet in spirit we are still togather.

Tthough the ocean will separate us

You and I will be togather, in my mind, my dream

My dear friend

please dont ever forget me

For you are the only one I will love forever

wherever I am

I remember you yet.

I dream you with hair of golden waterfall

cascades down in graceful thrall.

Heavenly blue eyes of yours so deep,

Sparkle with excitement you can’t keep.

I wonder if anything in this realm could seperate us

except the black curtains of death but

still we will meet in our spirt

I wish we had'nt changed as we did today but

my mind wont change only for you even if I had changed

Even though the world will change

so is the cycle of life

Although ocean will seperate us from being togather so is this world

But You and I will be always be together....

no matter how the world and ocean seperate us ...

- do u think my poem sends some message to whom my poem dedicates?

-if would like to change some lines, which and what u would like to do? and plz edit it and write something if u find a line doesnt make sense?

-what do u feel reading this poem?

and last do u think this poem is good one or bad one

Answer 1

The fact that you apologise shows that you realise it is unnecessarily long. You need to learn to condense. And the rhyme is a bit banal.

Sorry,not brilliant.

How old are you?

Answer 2

This is your very first poem?  Quite good, if it is.  It shows you have skill, ability, and emotional insight.  As commented above, though, I agree that it is a few stanzas too long and slightly repetitive, although a good framework which is editable and revisable.  Your use of metaphors is rather good, too, I think. Did you write this poem at one sitting or did it take several writing sessions to complete it as given?  There's a break in two places that I detect, please forgive me if I'm in err, but I think that your train of thought was interrupted and you tried to pick it up again later and kind of stumbled around for a few lines to get back on track.  Transition from the beginning to the end requires smoothing out some.  Saccades has offered to assist you in editing and writing, and I think it is a smart move to take him up on it.  You have talent and it should be developed further to refine your use of the language.

Best wishes to you!

Answer 3

LONG

Answer 4

Oh gee. Clearly you are a hard worker, now work hard to make it shorter, keeping just the key ideas and feelings. Don't quit.

Answer 5

Have you seen "There will be Blood!"?

There is a character in it called Henry. Just Henry.

He, in the end, says he is no1.

But...

He is the most complex character in the film.

He makes the whole film into what it is - his time in it is short, but his impact is great.

Much like that of a single person and their influence in the world and it's future.

[edit]

One thing you'll have to get used to, being a good poet, no1, people stealing your ideas and making them their own - just read the answers after mine and you'll see that they are but re-iterations of my own answer, perhaps individualised (ie more sucking up to you - that's the personal character expression that I will speak of) or more in depth (again, depending on character).

I hate it when people steal my ideas, but I don't when people improve on them instead of just dress them up in a pretty dress and a blonde wig and call it "Lorry's - a car wreck of total and utter destruction caused by driver error because everyone knows that some women can't drive... For example, I almost got hit yesterday by someone who couldn't do a U turn and because I told them that they couldn't drive so they should get off the bloody road and ge the bus like I do. BTW Batman: The Dark Knight is awesome [my girlfriend say Uber-cool maaan]".

That's why I try to make my writing as unique as possible - let's try to see someone plagurise THAT title..!

Anyway *wipes brow...*:

[original answer]

I think it is a good poem.

It IS, however, far too long and the cadence is not there at all.

It shifts modes too much to have been the result of one idea or concept.

It is a confused poem...

But that is not to say that the message is confused in your own mind - just in how you have expressed it in this instance.

It certainly sends a message - that you are wanting to put the effort in to make something work. That you are a hard worker and not too proud to seek help. It tells me you need some tuition...

The message you are sending sounds like it'd be better written and worded as a letter or speech (which is just a letter read and acted out, really...).

When I read this poem, my predominant feeling is that you are a promising poet, who is in touch with their emotions and can express them well - you do need tuition in how to construct such things in the way that delivers them as best expresses both YOU and what you are saying...

You may contact me through my profile's email if you wish to look at the poem and it's contents. The same applies if you'd like me to provide you with my critique of it, specifically.

This piece is a good starting place for your first poem. What is needed is for you to learn how to edit your own prose.

You have drawn from a lot of influences - you are obviouslty interested in this subject and have the type of mind that is able to fuse all of these different, external things together.

What is needed is someone to help you find your way to your own influence.

Your own form of expression, in the way that is best suited to you and what you want to say.

I can do this.

I will help you if you ask.

Email through my profile.

[edit]

One important thing - you are not no1.

A poet cannot be a poet if they do not allow themselves to receive the adoration of their audience.

They need an audience to appreciate the work they strive to produce.

Since you have told me that this poem is for someone else, you are the type of poet that writes for the benefit of others AND themselves, rather than for personal pleasure only - one such as myself.

The audience appreciates the poet as much as the poet appreciates the audience.

The best ones, anyway...

In my, humble, opinion. ;-)

Confidence is an important thing to develop - it'll help you really believe that what you are saying deserves to be heard!

And because it deserves to be - it WILL!

In other words...

Please allow fans so that I can add you to my network - then you can always find me in your fan list.

Thanks.

Answer 6

This is beautiful

it talks about friendship

the emotions because not seeing each other for

a long time, like years.

With this happening they would

be catching up on each others news

Lots of things goes on

wondering how the other person is

dead or alive.

Hugging each other as tears come down the face

Saying I miss you

The friendship took place under a tree

Talks about reminiscing ( remembering )

Answer 7

yes that a good poem i love it